Saturday, June 2, 2012

Today sucked.
I couldn't disappoint the old man so I went with him car shopping and I knew he was going to bring me to a restaurant but I couldn't just tell him no. He wanted company and was trying to be nice and include me.
I woke up and had a panic attack trying to find a way to get out of it without hurting his feelings. So I ended up going anyways because there just isn't an easy solution to trying to keep a normal, healthy life while indulging Ana.
I ended up eating out twice today. And I forced myself to finish everything but the tub of fries because I didn't want him to think I was ungrateful. he always seems to get disappointed when I don't eat it all. the fries... I could not shove another one down without puking from an over full stomach.
I woke up and my hands were on my stomach. I was trying to see if I had lost weight even in my sleep. That is a subconscious obsession for you.
Now I am eating lemon heads and drinking crystal light.
The crystal light is maybe 5 calories and the lemon heads are 5 calories each, or 50 calories for 10 pieces. Why do I always need something in my mouth???
What I am proud of myself for is the fact that when we went shopping I got all kinds of good food, including cupcakes, and two other kinds of high calorie treats, probably all Little Debbie or something, and I haven't eaten any of them yet.
I have many around 100 calories foods, like my yogurt whips which are maybe 140, and my fruit cups which are more like 70-80. I got protein drinks, just a few which are extremely high in calorie, but when I use them on days when H is not here I can get away with eating less because the drinks fill me up and make me not super food obsessed the rest of the day like I always am. I haven't touched those yet either.
It would have been so easy for me to just say, "It's only a few more calories, it won't harm me." And I would have had just one more each time until I was way over my calorie limit. Today I have failed but I will indulge myself in thinking it wasn't my fault, even though you and me both know the truth...
I have a headache... I never get headaches... I guess I do now.
I have cramps like crazy. I feel like I am being stabbed in places and it comes and goes in waves. Once I get my breath back from one another rolls. But jeez, I hope childbirth is that easy...
All in all, I feel like shit.
I do however have a bank account as of yesterday, and if I can hook up my online accounts to my bank I might be able to earn money off of my drawings. To be honest I am dreading the idea of drawing. I really don't want to, but I need the money.
I paid rent by way of getting H a new phone card because he liked to text and call his brother to talk about games too much and used up his 750 minutes really fast. I made him promise to do better on this one. Well, it wasn't really a promise, you know how I feel about H and promises.
Then my dad left $25 in my bank account and gave me tons of money- some for rent. I kept about $40 in cash. I don't know what I am going to spend it on, but I'm sure I will need necessities sometime in the future and it would be good for that...
I feel fat. Raise of hands for anyone else who feels like me?
I have to be quick here- H is taking me shopping because the food card just got refilled. :/ I will stay in control.
The other day, one nice thing H did, (he has been very mean lately), I went into the kitchen and for some reason he reeled my into a hug and asked if I was doing okay or something like that. I told him the truth. He knows I have eating issues. I told him that I had just binged like crazy and was having a hard time because of all the skinny girls on So You Think You Can Dance. He ran his hands down my sides, trying to say that I was beautiful just the way I am, like when he was tracing my shape it was to show how skinny I actually looked. I didn't feel it but it was still sweet.
H is tracking his calories on my fitness pal and so I feel threatened that he will do better than me. He has everything in his favor- good genes, lot's of extra weight which means a good metabolism, and he's a guy. Everyone knows men have better metabolism than women do.
I am super challenged to lose weight now. I hope perhaps if I looked more beautiful at least his friends could tell him what he is missing out on. I am using lot's of crystal light to keep myself from eating. Low cals too. Gtg.