H just got a job interview. He's there right now. If he gets this job...
I had a panic attack when I heard and completely broke down. Him getting an interview puts things in perspective a little bit. I will never get a job before I am kicked out. I might as well hit the streets right now for all the good it is doing me. I curled up into a ball and was hyperventilating.
I called my mom and almost went home. I called her back and told her I changed my mind. I talked to her for a while.
She will take me on Friday to get a bank account so that I can sell my drawings online. She will give me rent then too. She also said she will find a little money before then, because that day is payday, and take me to go get fish tomorrow. It makes me feel better I guess...
I have been very numb lately. the kind where you are in so much pain you become apart from it for a little while.
H has become my bully. He gets angry with me every day now. I cry a lot. He pulls me down. Then he hugs me, says he's sorry and let's me sit in his lap for a while. If I for a moment go to check my email or anything else, the moment is lost. Then I am sitting there pathetic and lonely for hours. I ask him if I can come back in his lap, his arms, and he gets angry. It is a cycle.
Now, when he holds me, I only feel sadder, because I know it is only part of a cycle. It is only temporary until he tells me I am not good enough again. Until he tells me, "You are never good enough." It may not be those words, but it is everything else. It's the look in his eyes, the tone of his voice... It is his way of striking out to hurt me.
I am lost in that circle. Now, when he says that I can do it, that I am beautiful, that I am perfect the way I am, I know the truth. I know when he is lying. I know when I mean nothing to him, but a doll to play with between the commercials of his life. I mean nothing to him. I am nothing to him. And I never will be.
This may be harsh, but this is my reality.
My reality is crying everyday because I feel lonely, because no one will call me up and ask if I would like to hang out with them. I cry, because my life is empty. My home is just a house, with people inside who despise me for who and what I am. There is no bed, everything is covered in wet mold. There is little food, if I even wanted to eat any. There are no friendly faces. There is no good morning and good night to the world, just me, in a dark room, crying myself to sleep next to the one that got away. I have one pair of jeans and one t-shirt. I just barely got enough money to buy myself some new undergarments, which I am going to have to use sparingly, as I have no way to wash them right now.
There is no love here, no respect, and the little friendliness I do receive on a daily basis is defied but what I know lies ahead, what really exists inside that person who calls me his friend.
What does life even consist of? What is life besides the consistent beating of my heart?
I hope you all are doing okay, because I am having the time of my life.