Wednesday, May 23, 2012

I don't want to eat anymore. H has gone to R's already. He left first thing in the morning. I felt safe because he said he wouldn't be awake by the time his dad left for work and he might walk up if it wasn't raining, but he left with his dad anyways. I have no reason to be unhappy about that but I am.

I had a dream he was leaving again. I dreamed he was going to live somewhere else. I dreamed he had a job and a life beyond me. And I would beg him and cry and just act all around clingy, and his friend would tell him I didn't matter, to leave me behind. His friends looked at me with distaste like I was something they would scrape off the bottom of their shoes. And he just sighed and said don't worry, in an irritated voice. I won't be gone forever. But I knew he would be. And he left anyways. He didn't want or need me. It was an awful dream. I am that awful, pathetic girl. I am what my dreams tell me I am. And he is, and always will be, beyond my grasp.

I don't want to be this way anymore but I don't know how not to be. I cannot escape my own misery. I will not eat until he gets back. That is my plan. I have not eaten yet. My stomach has been having hunger pains all morning but it is slowly fading. I cannot eat. If I eat, I will be fat, and ugly and stupid for the rest of my life. Each day I fail, each bad choice I make, pushes me farther into that place I cannot be. I need to be above this all. I need control. I cannot be human like everyone else. I need to be beyond that. I want to be immortal like a vampire or a werewolf. I have been watching the fourth twilight movie. She is beautiful because she could not eat, so neither will I.

I cannot explain this need I have. I cannot explain why I will not eat, but I can't. I can't do it. It's like I am in my own world, my own safe place, like I am untouchable, invincible, immortal. But only when I don't eat. If I touch food I will die. I will become mortal like everybody else. I will become everything that I cannot be.

I will not eat.