Saturday, May 19, 2012

I look pregnant with this sandwich in me. I got so tired of having to compare my body to K's in an attempt to make myself feel better. No matter what she just looks skinnier than me. Maybe it is because I feel so fat. Anyways I put a sweat shirt on. She can show me her body all she wants the slut. She wears nothing but lacy tank tops in an attempt to make herself more appealing I imagine. I don't care. She can't see my body in this sweatshirt, so I know what she looks like, and she can't look at me. Foot long sub, please don't hate me.
Hey cherries have a laxative effect. I saw them earlier when I was at the stores. Natural laxatives can't be as bad for the body as the pill kind, and I hate pills. They make me gag. This is also a good way to have laxies in front of everyone without them knowing it. I mean, if they search your room for laxatives and find none, and then think that you have a suddenly like for cherries...
So I decided to make a list of foods with a natural laxative affect.
http://www.oxypowder.com/laxative-foods.html
I got tired of typing it out and figured I would add the link for a source anyways...
The only experience I have had with any food being laxatives is maybe the cherries, and something about raw vegetables. My parents would take fresh vegetables from the garden in their front yard and use them in their salsa, but they always used gloves and told us something about it giving you diarrhea or something. I don't know why touching them would do that, but they sell them fresh at the store and there is no issues so I wonder what that was about...


My friend left me a bunch of apples though. That will be really nice. Go to 2:10 if you don't want to watch the entire thing for any reason. He talks about only eating a few pieces of fruit a day and it really inspires me. He seems almost proud of it...





Also, the actual song he wrote, Ana's Song:







When I first realized I had an eating disorder, I loved song for some reason. It fits into a very very dark part of my life. I was still living with my parents then, and I was still in school I think. I would ask my mom if I could use the computer and I would put in my headphones and I would just listen to it over and over again.
H and I got in a big fight last night. I just completely broke down and I just sat there in the hallway with nothing to say anymore and I just cried. When he gets irritated with me he starts to tell me everything that is wrong with me, and then justifies himself by saying it's the "truth". After a while he calmed down, I stopped crying. He cornered me on the bed and said he was sorry and hugged me, and then stupidly asked if I felt better. I shook my head no and started crying again. And he says, why not? And I said, because you were mean to me. And he starts trying to reassure me with a voice that sounded like he was going to start crying too. It's like, you hurt me you bastard, it doesn't just go away now that you aren't angry anymore. He told me he really cared about me and that he would do better and treat me better. he said he would tell me what's wrong from now on instead of going around it. He won't. it's all just empty promises...
Empty promises and broken dreams...


At least he is gone all day. I can starve all I want. If he really cares, then when I start to dwindle away he might feel my pain...