Saturday, May 12, 2012

I find that given all chance to rise to the challenge and succeed, I fail. But when I am given almost no chance to succeed I fight to the death until I am the victor. For that reason, I am going to do something a bit weird. I will allow myself to eat today. If I really want to eat something, I will go and eat it. I will drink soda until that moment comes, which it will. I will not say that I can't eat anymore.
The more restrictions I give myself, the more my brain points me in their direction. Until it becomes unimportant I will fail because I will always want what I cannot have. If it is always in my reach, I will have the opportunity to turn food down, without telling myself I just can't have it. I won't want it.
See if you can work out this puzzle that is the human mind.
155.6 pounds
I won't complain too much. I am still under the goal I just passed... again.
And I am wearing thick jeans that are way too big on me- which feels nice. I am too little for size 12 now! Yay!
Also, H will be gone all day, so I can control my own eating.
I hope today is a good day. :)
My weight has gone up and down and up and down and I am probably a lot more than I'd like to be, but that's okay because things WILL get better. I am determined to make them. I have been a bit stressed out the last few days and just gorged myself on chocolate and chips and things. It is hard to eat right when you are gluten intolerant.
I went crazy last night and said, eff it, I can't have a gluten allergy anyways. I went and at some gluten rich foods and now I am still regretting it. I have slept a good number of hours since then and my stomach is still acting like I stabbed it and punched it and maybe like a car ran into it.
One issue I have is that my stomach is very loud and you can actually hear when I am hungry. So no matter how much I tell H that I am not hungry, he knows when I am lying.
Also, I hear it is not normal to feel like puking when you are hungry... I have that too.
Right now my stomach is a combination of disgustingly unhappy, and hungry with the nausea sensation... I am not having fun with it. This may sound super painful but I have grown so used to pain it is a friend to me and doesn't usually bother me. It is the annoyance of an itch I guess I could say... except that itches probably bother me more.
I weighed myself after eating yesterday, and after drinking a lot of fluids, so I am not sure what I weigh but I will be checking here in a bit.
Also- last year I helped H lose some weight by writing out a plan for him and having him go on walks with me. He stopped listening to what I said about weigh when things started falling apart and he gained it all back. He just asked me to write the plan out for him again and have him follow it. H is a big guy. He is maybe 5 foot 7, and weighs 170 pounds- but this is just a very general number that is probably off. Either way, he is a big guy. He wants to lose weight. He lost twenty or thirty pounds last year on my plan, before distancing himself from me and gaining it all back...
He has a few great things going for him, one of those is that he is so big. When you are overweight, your metabolism is incredible. Your body knows some of it needs to go and makes it possible, all you have to do is watch what you eat, and how much you eat, and preferably exercise sometimes. Another thing in his favor- he's a guy. It has been proven that men will lose weight faster than women a lot of times, because they already have a great metabolism. I think it has something to do with their bodies needing or wanting to revert to a muscled state. You know how young men, when they hit 10th or 11th grade they just suddenly turn into all muscle? Their bodies will continue to do that naturally for ten or so more years. Ten is a very general number though, so don't quote me on that one.
Men also have to eat more.
So my plan, was to separate his meals out several times a day, like I told you girls to when you hit a plateau. I told him to keep his calorie count between 2000-2500 because that is a good amount for a man, for a woman, generally around 1500 is a good number. That's why it is so effective for a short period of time when you consume any number of calories below 1500 for a day. That's actually what I measure my eating disorder by. If I eat more than 1500 calories a day, I can't have a disorder, but I will also gain weight- that's my fear anyways.
But like I was saying... I think I will moderate the old plan, especially because I can't remember the exact old one, but this time I will factor in things like fruits and veggie servings, eating more before exercising, and I will add in certain guidelines for drinks. I am a lot more knowledgeable about those things now.
I honestly am just honored that he would ask em to make him a plan again, instead of figuring it out himself. That means he respects my vast knowledge of health and weight loss science, and admits that I know it better than him. That means that he is aware that I am the reason he lost weight last time, and he acknowledges that it worked. This means a lot of things, but mostly I am just happy that he asked little old me to help him! :)
I'm okay. Thanks you for caring :)
Um let's see...
K got super controlling... H came back just for an hour or so with R, I'm not sure4 why. He ended up asking me to come over, spending all his time and attention with trying to make me happy.
So I ended up going over to R's. I had something of a panic attack yesterday morning and got mad at him and actually got him to admit he likes me. Great and all, but this is what he said, "I do like you, but I just didn't feel the connection." That broke my heart again.
Thinking about it, and I don't know if this is me fooling myself or not, I think the connection people seek so much is just the love in of itself. I think we did not get the chance to fully create this connection because of what happened when I was on meds. I also feel like maybe he is just putting that up as a defense mechanism, and it just means he isn't ready and I need to be patient. Either way he has been almost overly nice and it looks completely to me as if he is head over heels in love with me. The funny part is, now that he is doing the pursuing, I kind of have the need for distance. I don't care for him around all the time asking me if I'm okay and making sure I live like a princess. He says that I have just had a hard time lately and have a hard life and he wants to help me succeed, which is cute, but you and I know the truth. "Just" sets the foundation for an excuse.
He's going to gaming today and probably tomorrow but I don't think I am much bothered by that.
I'm also going to set up a bank account on Monday and get phone minutes from Y then. He will pay and has paid $50 a month for a while now so that I have unlimited minutes on my phone. That's fine with me. He texts good morning and good night and everything in between- everything unnecessary, so if he is going to use up all those texts he might as well pay for it right?
I think I might just go to college for art stuffs, more because I think that is something I can handle without needing meds too much.
Oh also, another new development with H.
I found two razors and so I had ten dollars to spend on whatever I liked. I found a cute pair of little black short that could almost have been underwear. Maybe I just wanted to tease H a bit but I really did need a pair of shorts. I have never had a pair of shorts before in my life, and nothing near that short. So I took a shower and came out all shaved and soft with that tiny pair of shorts and a bright pink tank top with white stripes on it. I went over to sit by the computer and he asked why I was sitting "over there" which means he wants me near him. I said there was no place to sit and he spread his legs and patted the floor between them. "You want me to sit in your lap?" He nods.
I know he is usually turned on by me when I wear something tiny and a tank top that slides down to show lots of cleavage. I mean, what guy isn't? After a while I made a sad face and tried to stand up and go into the other room and he grabbed me and pulled my legs to his chest an looked up at me. He asked what was wrong. I told him, "You don't find me attractive anymore."
He told me that I looked very attractive and that's why certain parts of his anatomy... you get the picture.
Also today for the first time he directly slapped my butt. I am always slapping people's butts, it's more of a habit built over many years with my sisters, but he slapped my butt!!!
I don't know what is going on between us but I don't care because I am getting a positive feeling about it all. I think I just want to start building up some achievements and actually do something with my life, and stay friends with him, and the rest will follow. Maybe if we both had jobs and a life we were working on living, the rest would just follow after- all the love or connection or whatever it is that he feels is missing.
Long post I will rap it up....
I just haven't posted because R's computer is so slow and I did not feel like I was in a safe environment, so I am sorry about that.