Wednesday, May 9, 2012

K finally left me alone for a while. She has been sitting next to me telling me what to do and what not to do for two days now. I just want a moment alone on the computer to do whatever the fuck I want. She knows I won't stand up to her without H or dad around. I don't want to risk pissing the bitch off. It is not my home and I have no ground or right to say anything.
She also just pulled out a brand new looking razor- the kind that is motorized or whatever, not the little plastic disposables I would be lucky to get my hands on. She says she had it from before when she was in the Navy, but it still bothers me. I haven't been able to shave my legs in over a month- probably several.
I haven't had access to any of my stuff for over a year now. I have nice things, or at least a few things I like, but they are out of my reach. I cannot bring anything here unless it is absolutely necessary. I hate it.
She throws all this in my face, but whether or not it's on purpose I don't care. I still say she is a bitch.
Also she has started to obsess about the game on Facebook too. Suddenly I feel very little interest in it.
She also told me I should go get something to eat. She says I have been saying how hungry I am for the past hour or so, but I don't remember making any comments like that. I told her I guess I wasn't hungry anymore. If she fucking starts forcing me to eat like she did last spring when I was underage and she had a way to control me, I swear to god I will...
Last spring she invited me over for the first time in a while. I didn't know her brothers, and to be honest, I hardly knew her. She is awful at cooking- still- and she would make this disgusting concoctions and then tell me if I didn't eat then she would send me home. I had no will. I had no voice. I had no control over my own life. Going home became such a terrifying thing that I put up with all of the shit she dealt me. I did everything she asked, and she treated me like a child, and so I still hate when people call me Hun, or honey, sweetheart, babe... Fuck anyone who calls me that. I won't listen to shit like that.
She was controlling with everything. She controlled the people I saw, the activities I did, and every other element of my life. I hate that bitch with a vengeance. I forget just how much sometimes. I try not to hate but when someone so utterly fucks with your life... I can understand why that girl killed herself. She must have been through with K too.
154.5 pounds.
I guess the scale was in the bathroom, it was just tucked away behind some clothes and stuff.
Yay! And I am wearing heavy jeans.
I felt like I ate a lot yesterday though...
Early in the morning I had a little bit of two kinds of cereal- gluten free- in the same milk- lactose free- and I had... The rest of my gluten free crackers with mustard. I also had some of the chocolate protein drink, probably about half of that. I had... well gees I can't remember more than that...
Then last night I had two hot dogs in buns and this weird onion thing that K made and let me have one.
It tasted fatty and disgusting and I didn't finish, but it was basically an onion sliced apart a pit and there is butter shoved between the layers and put in the over to melt with some beef flavoring but I didn't taste that part. Then it was taken out and she put cheese- a light colored kind- on it. It wasn't too bad but it could be improved upon a lot. K and her onion obsession...
But I looked it up and onions aren't a huge amount of calories. I also had radishes dipped in mustard. I have created for myself an addiction to dipping things, and an addiction to mustard and it makes any low calorie food bearable to eat. It makes me feel like I am eating something more substantial than vegetables. It seems that because mustard is a condiment you associate with hamburgers and other high in fat, high calorie food, that it would be bad for you, but mustard actually contains no calories.
Oh I just found a dry mark on my hand. I forgot about those... it's exema I think. It's like dry, rough, blistery things where my fingers bend and it hurts. I have had exema since I was a baby, which actually a doctor told me is a sign of gluten intolerance.
I set up testing for this Monday because the office wouldn't stop calling, but now I am thinking I will cancel. it's just going to be extra money my mom will whine about, and I really don't want doctors poking and prodding me. i haven't the slightest idea of what they will even be testing me for or what kind of tests. i have an anxiety surrounding doctors and hospitals, to the point where if I was hit by a car I would rather try and sleep it off and bleed out. I don't know how I ended up there at the beginning of the year.
Hate K.
She says, "I have no makeup." And pours out bags and bags of the stuff.
She says, "I think I'll try on my new outfit..." She puts on this lovely outfit, and then decides it isn't good enough and changes to another outfit. She has a lot of new clothes and other things. She talks about being fat and disgusting, which makes me feel like she is talking about me.
Then she talks about how she charmed some guy at the bar into letting her in for free and paying for all of her drinks for her. She's not even pretty. It feels like an insult, or a punch in the stomach that anyone else could actually not see the monster inside her.
I sat here on the computer and just watched her apply and reapply all her miserable make up. She doesn't look any better with it on either. But then she gave me a few of her old stuff like it meant nothing to her. I feel poor and pathetic, even next to the poor and pathetic. My only solution is to fight to get smaller than her. I have to be the skinniest. I NEED to be size zero.
R has started playing happy pets too. It takes all the fun out of playing. Not only do I just not want to think about R because of the way he is treating me, but he will actually spend the money to get Facebook credits, something I can't do, and he will automatically try and beat my level. It's no fun when someone else makes it competitive. I don't know if I will keep playing...
That was pretty much the only thing I had to occupy my time. Now I have to pick up and find something else. Why do the men in my life always strive to do everything better than me? My brother does it too and that's why I stopped playing Runescape. I was still higher level than him but after he got a member's account- which helps you level up pretty fast, the only thing he could ask was what level I was overall. I gave him a fake number to make him leave me alone. I used to love that game and now it holds no joy for me.
I think there are very few things I actually enjoy anymore.
R is already level 7 and he started last night. He is fully enjoying the game. Good for him. I am tired of all this. My entire day just crashed again. It's a good thing I haven't eaten- yet. I think I am going to finish my chocolate protein drink or something...

***I Just Want To Be Beautiful***

I have hiccups because my stomach is so hungry... : )
I can't weigh myself right now because the scale got moved back out of the bathroom, probably I am starting to think because of me. But I must say I feel smaller, even if it is because I changed into another pair of pants yesterday and it was a size 12 instead of my regular size 10. I didn't realize what size it was when I put it on. H is still gone and I don't have my ingredients. It has become extremely exciting when H actually pulls through with something he says he is going to do, like coming home at a certain time, so when he actually does pull through... never mind that never happens.
When his dad got back without him I just asked, "So... Thursday right?"
And then he texted back not to worry, I would get all the stuff I asked for on Wednesday night (tonight). I texted back asking if he would just send it home with his dad on his way back from work and all I got was a solitary no. I honestly would like to know these things, it has nothing to do with wanting H to spend more time around me. I don't bug him to come back, I just ask when, but I still think he interprets it so and believes negatively of me. So frustrating. When I move out and will have my own room, and my own things, and my own BED, I will not care either way. But until then... He's just going to be a dick about it.
So it sounds as if he is planning to come back tonight, although why, I haven't a clue. R has his day off tonight and I don't know why H wouldn't stay to hang out. He probably will. i just hate when he knowingly lies to me like he did last night. He would have KNOWN that he wasn't coming back. K knew, I knew, his dad knew. I hate the lying. If he effing just says, yeah I am staying over for two night, I am not going to simultaneously explode or anything- the ass hole...