Sunday, May 6, 2012

H saved the last piece of Canadian bacon for me... and I turned him down.
"I was just trying to..." The look on his face. How can I feel guilty for such a small thing? How can he be hurt by something that small?
I'm sorry H. I don't need you. I don't want everything you have to give me. I am beyond your reach.
I am in the grips of Ana, and I am liking it.
Poison. Food is poison. It fills me like toxic waves of tar. What should nourish me, kills me from the inside out. I need the strength, the power, the ability to move on, move forward, move inward. No more fat, no more pain, only hunger can fix me.
The emptiness will fill me up. What others cannot give me, I will give myself and revel in it. I am not missing anything but control, and as soon as I catch up to that, I will have everything. Accomplished is what I will be. When the pounds of fat roll off of my body and you look in my eyes and see only mystery, you will follow me. You will need to know who I am, what I am. You will want to be me. You will want some of my power, but will not know where to find it. I will be unstoppable. I will be unbeatable. I will be the very best there is.
I will be skinny. I will be more than that. I will be a ghost, a wraith. I will be so small you will not be able to grasp me. I will be above and beyond. I will beat my own expectations.
My friend yesterday didn't contribute anything to me gaining five pounds. I am pretty sure that was all me. I was clear with him that I have eating issues, but he said he didn't know how to treat someone with an eating disorder because he had never known anyone who had one. So he indulged it. When I didn't want to eat he didn't make me and felt nothing bad about it. All I ate there was some apple slices he shared with me, and a salad with spinach and nuts and a few other things. It couldn't have been too high calorie... oh actually I hear nuts are high in calories...
He also bought me some hair dyes. I picked out two. One was more of an ash blond to take out the orange shades in my hair, and the other was just a lighter blond. I don't want to be a redhead or whatever I am now. I want to be blond. It will also help with my roots. Hopefully it helps but right now I do not feel comfortable dying my hair in the house. Perhaps I will wait until H and his dad are gone. Today is one of dad's days off. Maybe he works tomorrow? I'm not sure.
160+ pounds.
I will be counting calories very carefully today.
I was in a panic earlier because R sent me a text saying I was not allowed near him or to come over again. It basically said, you are not welcome here anymore but in more words.
I was very upset about this until H told me R sent him a text too, hours later though, saying that he couldn't come over anymore later and that if he believed me then we could just stay here and be friends. It was meant to be mean.
R is unhappy that they believe me over him, even though he is family. Maybe this is because I am actually telling the truth and they know R tells lies. Also, the story of things I have done are pretty ridiculous and anyone who knows how sweet I am knows I would never do anything hateful to anyone.
Miss Mad you are right about the book thing though. I will be taking them down.