Saturday, May 5, 2012

So my friend suddenly texts me that he's coming to pick me up and asks if I'm up and walking around...
So I'm like shit. I didn't know we were hanging out today. And he says I was supposed to come over to have lunch at his house so his parents would learn to like me. I remember this conversation but I must have zoned out in the plan making part or forgot or something. I don't remember making any plans in cement. I always remember stuff like that because I think about plans days in advance and I am super overly OCD about it. How did I forget???
Even worse I had gluten earlier and too much food and my stomach feels like it is being punched. It's worse than cramps but part of it might be cramps. Oh god today is going to be awful. I already feel disgusting as hell. how am I supposed to do this?!
I don't even have a way to dress up and be nice. I have no effing hair brush!!!
I look like crap. Someone shoot me. PLEASE.
I hate his parents and I hate eating but I'm going to have to shove down everything on my plate and eat whatever they are serving. FUCK FUCK FUCKETY FUCK FUDGECICLES.
Why me?
I feel like I'm going to puke...
I have got to be the fattest %$#&* ever.
The symbols I used instead of a curse word looks cool though...


The voice of Ana...

 Watch this one also, please.


***Top Ten Calorie Burners***

Calories burned per hour* 
Based on a 160-pound person
  1. 986 calories burned: Running at 8mph
  2. 913 calories burned: Rollerblading
  3. 730 calories burned: Tae Kwon Do
  4. 730 calories burned: Jump rope
  5. 657 calories burned: Stair treadmill
  6. 584 calories burned: Jogging at 5mph
  7. 511 calories burned: Backpacking
  8. 511 calories burned: Racquetball
  9. 511 calories burned: Cross-country skiing
  10. 511 calories burned: High-impact aerobics
* Values from the Mayo Clinic Exercise for Weight Loss chart

I could probably do some jump roping... if I had my jump rope from home... which my sisters probably "borrowed"... Well, I can get one at the store for $1. One more thing to add to my list of things to get with my money.
Wait a second- who needs a jump rope to jump rope?! No one says I can't use an imaginary one in the bathroom when everyone is asleep... x.x
I know this is just me high off of life, but I think I should rediscover myself. I need to do something new, smile more, mix it up... enjoy life.
Screw my circumstances, I deserve to be happy.
I am in love with this song right now and I don't know why.


 I keep listening to it over and over and over again x.x

***Songs On My Mind***

This is what's on my mind right now. In order, they kind of tell a story about my moods if you are receptive to that kind of poetic sense.

This one is on my mp3 player...


 This one always makes me cry for some reason... Probably because it rings very true for me, and hits kind of close to home.

This one is on my mp3 player too...

Miss Mad your comment almost made me laugh out loud with joy. I have never had that kind of praise before. It has always been my dream to become a writer but no one ever helped me pursue it. My parents looked at my drawings and told me they were good and that I should go to college for it, but when my dreams were elsewhere they never listened.
For that reason I have resented my drawing ability. It is too easy for my family to take one glance at my drawings and judge it to be good, while what I really want to do takes too much time and effort for them to take some interest in my dreams. My sisters have read parts of my books, one of my sisters has read both of the books I wrote and certain parts had her crying which I think is sweet. She is so kind-hearted. But either way my sisters have praised my writings. My parents, not so much. My dad has never read anything I ever wrote, while my mom at least read bits of another story. I give her credit for doing more than my dad. He still wants me to pursue art.
To be honest, H has actually read both the first and second books, I believe, and he loved them too. He read them back when we first started going out and he really liked it. For him to be a guy and like it means one thing, especially because it is romantically based.
But no one has ever really praised it very much besides my sisters. They will love it when they read it but after a bit if I ask them if they want to read the next part, they would all rather do something else. I guess I have to give credit to my one sister though, the one who cried over my book. She was in fifth grade and there was a boy who wrote her very sweet notes, love notes essentially. They were "just friend" but I could tell she loved him. He moved away and because my sister wasn't allowed to have email or call boys she never heard from him again. She was heartbroken. So she really related to the story because it is about love.
Fifth grade is obviously too young to fall in love, but I know she knows what it is and how it feels. Young love... sigh...
Anyways, I went off on a tangent there...
Love you Miss Mad and thank you!
Sigh... I had a bad day food-wise.
H keeps trying to get me to eat. I feel guilty when he is being a complete sweetheart to me and then I turn down what he is trying to give me. Sometimes I can get away with, "I'm not hungry" or "maybe later", but not lately.
I have consumed way too many calories and I feel gross. my stomach is bloated and my stomach hurts and is full.
This morning I nearly broke down. My hair looks awful and it is tiring. I don't even have a hair brush right now. No matter how much I wash it I can't get it to look okay. It always looks greasy. I can only wash my hair every few days anyways here. It is yellowish and my roots are showing badly. Then when I sleep it curls and sticks up all over the place and I can't comb it down because I have nothing to do it with, so I just splash water into my hair and try to calm it with my fingers.
I have no make up. What little I had went missing months ago so now all I have is an eyeliner pencil that makes my eyes burn. My skin is greasy even though I wash it. I can't afford anything to help with it. All I have is some leftover body wash that I have had for months now. I am running out of shampoo and conditioner. Those are also months old.
My legs and armpits are hairy so I always wear long pants and a t shirt. I haven't been able to shave for a long time and it's nasty. I can't afford new razors. My toenails are chipped and the nail polish is coming off, but I don't have any here so I can't fix it and my clippers are missing and it's nasty. My fingernails are growing out. That's a plus. I might have just a shiny coating nail polish in my purse somewhere I can use on them.
Half the time there is no soap in the bathroom to wash my hands. Most of the time there is no toilet paper. I feel disgusting.
I see girls at the store who have nice clothes and can wear make up and put their hair back, and I feel really awful in comparison. I just want to be able to look pretty and feel pretty some days. I want to have the money to respect myself by looking ok. I have been wearing the same pair of jeans for maybe three or four weeks now, maybe longer. I just want to feel pretty sometimes. Is that too much to ask?
My mom gave me a few dollars for my birth control because my cramps are awful so I actually have a prescription. Then I asked for a few more just to spend on myself and she gave me a ten. But now I have a problem.
I was laying there this morning just dreaming of looking nice and feeling nice, and being clean, and I don't know what to buy with my new money. This always happens when I get money. I could get razors, or maybe some eye shadow... I could get soap or concealer or nail polish. I could get a hair brush or try at some hair dye... But I only have ten dollars. I know whatever I buy I am going to feel like I wasted it afterwards because I couldn't get everything I need. It's an awful feeling.

About the book, I actually did try and send it in to a publisher once. I sent it in to Publish America, who actually accepted it. Then I researched and found that it was basically a scam. I can't do that to my book. I lost heart after that. I don't have the money to get it published anywhere good. It is still my dream, but it is sort of a lost one. I would be happy with a minimum wage job at McDonald's to be perfectly honest. That would be my heaven- to actually have two penny's to rub together...