Friday, May 4, 2012

There was once a book I wrote... When I was sixteen. I don't know what made me start but the summer before I turned 17 I just started the story and finished it within a month, and it's longer than the first Harry Potter book at least. I am considering putting it online for you girls, whether on this blog or a connected one. My heart wasn't in the story I was writing for you guys because the character just wasn't me. It didn't carry any charm or any magic. This story did.
In fact, the name Venus Jacqin originally belonged to the main character. Looking back, I wrote her life sort of parallel to mine, and you can detect early on that she has an eating disorder. I never really thought about it until it fully emerged in my life.
I am thinking of starting the story up again. I have two books written about her, the first is pretty good, but my sister tells me the second is better. And the story progressed into a third when all the stuff with H broke my heart and and I got writer's block. The book has an ending half way through that is awful. I probably won't change it, but I will start off from where it left off in an interesting way. I have thought about this for months. The story became a very important part of who I was to myself. It can be really scary actually how connected I am to this book, that it became my most prized possession. It was a work that I treasured like it was an actual person, like it had a life of it's own.
I am a sort of dark person at times, and my life gets twisted and awful and I end up sinking into weird habits, and this was my world back then. I didn't believe in it per say but I did live in it.
If anyone is interested in reading it, I might put up a page or two, and if it is successful, I will give you guys more. I was going to publish at some point, but I would prefer to use something that personal in a place and environment like this one.
H is treating me well right now- really well. He is acting just like he did when he first loved me. I have not said anything about it to him, haven't mentioned love or feelings or anything else. I have not questioned him on whether it is just as friends or not, because I already know it is.
His dad picked him up from R's, and they went to the store and he called me several times yesterday. Twice while he was at the store, and the first time he called before even leaving R's, I was asleep and missed it. He had just wanted to tell me he was heading home I guess. But when he called at the store, he was asking what I wanted for dinner. He was figuring out what I wanted that was gluten free, but also that I would actually eat. I tend to be picky. He suggested a few things I liked and he was being very considerate of me.
When he got back he showed me what he had gotten, watching my face to see my reaction. He always does that. He just loves to see me happy I guess.
He got me water, made me tater tots, and made sure I was okay. he actually asked me to spend some time with him. He asked me to walk to the mailbox with him, like he actually wanted to spend time with me. It was weird. I broke away after a while, not on purpose, just naturally. He was snuggling me and hugging me and holding me all over the bed and I guess maybe I was somewhat weirded out.
He came in and gave me that look. You girls know what I am talking about. The... in love look. The one where he looks into your face and can't stop smiling and trying to please you. I was talking to a guy friend and realized what was going on. The friend explained it sounded like H obviously has feelings for me, but wants to be with me and enjoy my presence without the added stresses of calling it something. I'm not sure how else to explain it, I can't remember my friend's wording exactly.
The entire relationship and love thing is too much for H to handle right now, with all of the responsibilities and stuff, so he still likes me, but he is not ready for anything. I'm not ready anyways. We both need time. But I am excited by this new prospect.
Anyways, H did a number of sweet things.
When he was on the computer he turned the chair and pulled me in to stand between his knees, with his arms wrapped around my middle. And when he looked up into my face with that smile on his face, and his entire body is embracing mine... He hasn't done that since we were together.
I asked him why he was being so nice, and he said because I had a rough day yesterday. Yeah whatever...
I'm still uncertain mostly but this is new and interesting- to say the least.
He hugged me another time, (ehhh too many hugs x.x save meeee...), and told me, "See? You are more welcome here than at home. No one wants you out. Nobody hates you here."
I still always feel like I am going to get kicked out if I make any mistakes or anything, and I do still feel alone and basically homeless and friendless- (except for you guys :D That means you Miss Mad <3 ), but he does make me feel significantly better. It's like a really heartbreaking story. A tragedy happened and they were broken up because of it, but they still love each other, and it's this unspoken thing between them that... there goes my fantasizing...
I gained a bit and it's terrifying. I am around 155 now. Maybe more. Now that we have a food card, H keeps trying to get me to eat. It's worse that he knows all my favorite/off-limits foods that make me go crazy and binge like hell. He only knows them as my favorites though...
Nehhhhhhhhh............. >.<