Thursday, May 3, 2012

I am at H's dad's apartment again. It took less than an hour for my family to drive me nuts.
Dad and K are both asleep. H is still at R's.
R had my phone and was texting my friends pretending to be me and asking them for pictures of their dicks. Sigh... I found out because there was a message accidentally saved in drafts that I didn't type that was from my point of view to F. I called f and found out Y was also a victim, and Y feels awful about it. He says he fails as a friend and other stuff. Sigh again...

I'm doing okay at the moment. A friend of mine who is forever making me feel wonderful chatted with me online and helped me understand a bit. I feel quite a bit better. I don't feel like explaining any details right now but he's sweet and I wish he lived here nearby so I could date him.
He said I am so sweet that I shouldn't be with someone like H who won't appreciate me. :)

My dad is going to get me a bank account so I can sell my drawings online.
I'm at home again because H got really angry with me.
We are never going to get back together. It hurts a lot that his emotions just cut off and I didn't matter anymore. I am stuck here heartbroken and love sick for a guy who doesn't want me. I can hear his voice in my head, saying what our kids would be like, and saying we'd get married. I can feel his arms possessively around me. I was his. He was mine. Things are no longer like that.
My entire world still revolves around him and I can't just stop feeling like he can. My emotions got mixed up and tied together in battle, and now he has no feelings for me, so I am the wrong one. I am the one who is still messed up, who is sad and depressed. I'm the one who got hurt in all this. Because I gave away my heart to a desperate boy who made me feel wonderful in his infatuation.
H was very cruel and mean and then when I cried and went home, he was very sweet. He said, "I didn't mean you had to go home." But I can't do this anymore.
I am fucking worthless and always will be. My life means nothing. I am stupid and emotional. I will never change and I shouldn't have to. I hate myself for feeling this way. I am tearing myself apart trying to rid myself of natural emotions.
I hate everyone. I can never be loved. I am not meant for happiness. I am that instrument of fate used to effect everyone else's lives. Mine doesn't matter. My life will never matter. I can never be happy. I can never be loved. I will always be alone. Even if there is someone to come along after H, it will be a long time, there will still be problems, and then I will still have left over emotional issues where I can't ever love a guy anymore. This is because H made my emotions invalid. He was the sweetest guy I had ever met. I can't trust anything anyone ever says to me again. I feel like everyone is lying to my face. Nothing I ever do is right. I am and always will be this pathetic little shit who has no self confidence and no life. I am destroyed by what people have done to me all this time. The way people treat me is wrong, and I deserve it because I am an awful person. I am not meant for this life, or any life. I am done with living healthily. It is not for me. I don't have the strength and I don't want the strength. I would only do healthy things to make H happy but I can't do that any longer. He can hate me all he wants, or think I am stupid. All these things will just bring me down more and that is what needs to happen. I will allow myself to destroy me, because I am not worth being preserved.
No matter what, everyone else will always put themselves before me. I don't love myself, therefore I don't care if I destroy myself. The people who say they care are the people who hurt me the most.
I have tried harder than any person to help myself, but it gets to the point where I am just too far gone.
I need more than anything to be loved. I need to matter. People can tell me I do matter and that I need to stop doing this to myself, but I can't.
I will always feel worthless and pathetic, especially after what H did to me. I am broken. I can't do this anymore.
He never loved me, but I infatuated myself with the idea that he did. Now I no longer mean anything to him but what he allows himself to feel. He hurt me so bad, I don't think I can ever love again. I can't love my family, another person, or myself. I cannot put my heart out where it will be smashed to pieces anymore. It is gone, blown away like dust. I want to go into myself. I want to stop speaking. I want to never talk to anybody again so they cannot hurt me. I am not fooling myself or just breaking down. I know something is wrong to me. he has proved that to me again and again.
He will forever be happy with his life because he can throw away mine. I can't throw other people away to save myself. I know what an awful person I am. I can't fight it any longer. I can't fight that I am pathetic and stupid, and if you want to call me that because I am, go ahead. H can never love me because I can't love myself.
There is nothing I wish to do to help myself anymore. No one has interest in caring for me. H will eventually shut me out and find another girl with more self respect and who cries less. That hurts.
They say heartbreak fades over time, but I have been heartbroken for so many years, I don't know what it means or what it's like not to be.
I want H to admit he has feelings for me. I want him to realize what I meant to him, and all the stuff I did for him. I sacrificed everything and he threw it away. I want him to hit me so I have a reason to hate him.
If all this makes me stupid then so be it. H will never contact me if I stay away. What we had means nothing to him.
I just want to be loved for who I am.