Tuesday, May 1, 2012

My stomach is swollen. I lasted so long, and then Dad gave me and K his card, the limit $20 and sent us to the mini mart to find food.
I had nachos- no chili- not extreme amounts of cheese- and a twix and king size snickers. Not too terribly much unless you haven't eaten anything for two days and then you gain a million pounds because the body is desperate for food and turns all your calories to shit- but mostly fat first. I didn't even mean shit as in SHIT. But yeah...
H went over to R's and might be there until Wednesday. He said he was just going on a walk. I guess that is his way of ditching me.
Needless to say I had a huge ass mother fucking panic attack that I don't even have the right to have. He's not mine anymore and he never will be again and I'm living with the ass. What am I going to do...
I actually haven't slept yet.
I do always get emotional when I am tired and I might be PMS-ing but who gives a shit, I feel this way on a regular basis just with less cuss words
I kinda did go to town on the illegal dictionary didn't I?
Someone please shoot me- dart gun or whatever, I'll take what I can get.

***Pounding On Walls***

POW


Worthless in your eyes,
I cry.
I try and try and try,
But my best
Is never good enough.


Anger in your words,
The fierceness shocks me
I did that.
I created that anger,
Made my emotions discover danger.
Lightening,
Frightened away by thunder


I feel fear
And I cringe
I shy away.
But my weakness is weak
And while I only see night
You block out the light of day.
While like Atlas,
I hold the world on my shoulders
Keep my own troubles
At bay


When once your eyes sought mine
They glittered
There was no time.
I was brave,
And you were my knight.
But now we only fight,
Battles unending
But never the war


Hatred in your heart
Distaste on your tongue
Lack of interest
Lack of charm
What once created
Now brings harm,
The power of fire and ice.


Your heart is as stone,
While mine shatters against it
There is no home
But the stone walls defend it
There is no warmth
But the cold ice commend it
Lost is my home
You hold my house
But I cannot breach the gate


I run and I hide
But you play well
While I panic
You bide your time
And before long,
I am the restless child emerged
But retreated


Let me in
Come on out
Fingertips grasping
They are touching,
But you let go,
And I am left on the bridge
Reaching for what cannot be retrieved


I can't bear it
Won't survive it
But somehow I do
Each day's a new battle
Some lose great losses in blood
Others,
Not a scratch,
But a scar


Leave me be
Let me lie
Don't touch me
Don't try
There is nothing 
But pain in your wake


And the nights
They grow colder
While my emotions
Grow older
Yours are gone
But mine are long left behind


Give me leave
Give me lost
Let it cease
Let it stop
Go 
Be gone
Don't trouble existence
With your kind touch
And strong arms
Your embrace
No longer mine
But the worlds


I need the darkness,
The vibrancy
The deepness
The devoid
The black whole
The divide
I need peace


At least-
Let me close my eyes
When they shut on their own.