Saturday, April 28, 2012

I was looking at my blog, I think I clicked the view post thing on accident... and the bar on the bottom was moving on it's own. I pushed it to the side and took my hand off the mouse and it was moving back and forth, not a lot, but it was. The screen wasn't even moving with it.
I called K in because I was so intrigued and she said it was kind of creepy. Now I know it isn't my eyes spazzing out. So weird lol...
I fucked my calories today but I don't care because it feels so good to hang out with a friend who just lets me talk until my mouth falls off- which it hasn't yet. I'm one of those people who, when you get to know me and I am comfortable with you, I will talk your block off. Once I get going there is no stopping me. But I think he likes me... x.x
He says, "What happens if I do this?" And starts running his hands through my hair and twirling the ends in his fingers. And I said, "I don't know. Why?"
And he replied, "I don't know." In a kind of down tone like he expected me to like it. He has always liked me. Before his now ex-girlfriend he made it very clear and tried to make moves on me but I wouldn't let him. I just can't like him that way... He's always been a good friend but nothing more. H is the only guy who ever moved out of the friend zone. And he was a new friend at the time.
H is at his game night.
This guy, Idk if he has a letter but I feel like I have talked about him before and assigned him a letter...
Fine I will call him L for now so I don't get confused while talking about him.
L helped me carry my laundry out to the car. He brought some gluten free crackers for us to snack on in the car. It wasn't half bad tasting and the calories weren't awful... unless you eat too many...
He bought laundry soap, got me a toothbrush and some kids flavored toothpaste, because I dislike peppermint. It's okay sometimes, but often it just makes me sick. Then he changed four more dollars into quarters. He paid for my trash bag full of laundry to be washed and dried. Then he took me out to lunch and got me some fries- an entire tub with fry sauce and a BLT sandwich without the bun for both of us. And I talked for a long time, eventually getting into what I was saying so much he had to tell me I was talking too loud and we were in a public place. Oops x.x
We left, went for a long drive. He willingly wasted gas money and I just talked and talked and talked and kept changing the radio station like I always do. Eventually we ended up back at the apartment and we sat with K and chatted a bit while petting the little dogs. Then we went to the park and swung on swings like I like to and he pushed me as I talked my mouth off some more. Then we walked back and he hugged me goodbye and left. He's nice, but I just can't see him in any other way than a friend...
I do see some guys and have to look twice, I can be attracted to other guys besides H, just not this one.

On the subject of H- Stay with me here. It's a long post. I know.
Last night. I ended up getting so cold he got all demanding and told me to come over. I said, "But you don't like it when I sleep that close to you." And he dragged me over anyways and then half rolled onto me. He had his head on my shoulder and his body turned towards mine. I couldn't resist and tell him no. So now I have hopes for us again and it sucks. I'm fighting, I really am, but I think I should just let things be and see where things go for now, because fighting everything is taking up a lot of my energy and I just don't have that kind of energy, especially if I do end up here for a while. I don't want to build up that kind of misery. I will try and give him space when I can and try to force myself to relax and let things go more.
The way he speaks to me melts my heart. It's like telling me to drown. Even if I wanted to die, my body and instincts are going to fight the entire way. I don't see how I am going to get over him while I am sleeping in the same bed as him every night. Oh well. : )
I am always coming up with new theories and analogies to explain things. I guess I think a lot about these kinds of things...
Call me a philosopher of life.
It helps me to cope better when I can explain things. I love to research things and find out things. I also have a fascination with researching problems I think I have. I checked out books on eating disorders, anorexia, stress and anxiety, depression, and food intolerance.

...I have been crying about no one from my family calling to talk to me, missing my sisters and my mom, and guess who calls?
My dad.
He's all, "Just calling to see how you are doing. How are you?"
Then he says, "I realize you need someone to teach you how to drive." And offers me more driving lessons.
How do I properly hate my dad now?!
...Weird...
H is giving me signals that I don't wanna hear... and yet I do want to hear them...
I went on a crying binge last night a bit, and I said, "You have no intentions of ever getting romantic with me again. So I need to stop living in this fantasy and giving myself false hope."
"How do you know (that I have no intention of this)?"
Of course, it gave me the fuel I needed...

Think of it like this.
There is a measuring cup marked from 1-10, bottom to top. Every time H does something to upset me, the measuring cup pours out until it is one mark less than before. Eventually it get to around one or two, and then one positive thing and the entire cup refills again. Happiness weighs more than unhappiness. Hope, is worth infinitely more than despair. I suppose this theory explains why the abused stick around to be abused more. All it takes is a smile, or an apology and the cup is full once more.
If it didn't ever refill and became empty, the love is lost forever, the relationship comes to a close.
Some have deeper cups than others. This means they have more patience and tolerance.
After some point, going farther and farther back into my posts was traumatizing. Seeing all the stuff I wrote about H... When we were still together... and the entire time there are signs that subconsciously I knew I was going to lose him. Look at the dream, "Dreaming in an abandoned schoolhouse", and at some of the poems. It is very clear how unhappy I was. To think, most of it was the drugs... or was it...?
Anyways, I accidentally looked down from fixing the title and say things, like the picture I took of the chocolate advent calendar chocolate he had given me, and how happy it had made me. I also saw the One line post where I was alone on New Years Eve and it almost had me crying. My life is terrifying. I told H I would sleep with K, but I am scared and I just want to curl up where I am safe and comfortable, and I feel safer in that room, with or without him.
I don't know what I am going to do... I obviously have no self control, and I am obviously not going to get him back. But this isn't just breaking my heart, it's destroying it. There is a difference by the way.
Breaking is merely putting my heart into pieces. destroying it is like torching the pieces until there is literally nothing left. It hurts so bad and I don't want to do it anymore. H keeps telling me not to give up, but put in these situations where it is literally impossible to be anywhere I can be happy, I don't know what else I am supposed to do. I can't go home, and I have no place elsewhere. My life sis a black hole. Even if I'm not weak like I believe I am, then that just means my life is too much for me.
No worries, nothing drastic, but that's even worse. There is not way to fix this. There is nothing I can do. I am powerless to save myself. I am trapped. I have no control. I am out of control. I am me, and it's killing me,
I am working on my blog right now. I am bothered by the numbers. I can never associate a number with a post, which is a pain when I need to see what post someone commented on, or when I am trying to see the most popular post of the day.
Also, H just came in, asking if I wanted a piece of chicken if he scraped the breading off (it has gluten in that part) and I turned him down saying, "I'm not hungry". Then he petted my head, messing with my emotions, but I ignored it. Instead of turning into it I kept my eyes on the screen and kept working.
People always think I am creepy when I want my head petted, but I find it very nice. It's basically a pat on the head, crossed with running fingers through my hair. It is like a kiss coming from him. When he pets my head it means he is fond of me. It is hard to hate him after that... But I still need to stay away from him. His temptation is akin to the food one I have.
Finally I am hungry. My stomach is growling and it hurts but it hurts so good. H is usually the reason for me to eat. But I have not really spoken to him after he asked me what was wrong and I didn't answer. I WILL get over the bastard. He keeps coming in to check on me, which he usually does. Without him, I feel the need to starve again. I have the will, the motivation, the STRENGTH- and it is amazing.
When I allow myself to live in the delusion that he still loves me, I feel happy and therefore I eat. It is like he is my comfort instead of Ana, but I cannot allow myself to do that anymore.
I need to depend on myself for happiness, on my own methods. He can no longer be in the picture.
H makes me angry. I hate H.
I hate him, I hate him, I hate him...
I just realized another issues between me and him. Allowing him to snuggle me and treat me in a very personal way, there is no way he would ask me out. The reason for this would be that I am already allowing him to treat me in such a way that it feels as if there is no farther we could go in the relationship. There is no incentive to ask me out, because anything he would want from me as a girlfriend, I am already fulfilling.
I don't want to like him. I don't want to think about him. I want to get over him. But he is right here in my face because I AM FUCKING LIVING WITH HIM. Why shouldn't I hate him at this point?! But even more, I hate myself for becoming the pathetic one who still has feelings for a guy who has long moved on. FUCK MY LIFE.
I already found out I won't be getting the job at that one place because Y is a compulsive liar. The manager said there are not any spots open.
Also, Y lied to his brother that I had a job, and eventually his brother will find out. We will never get into an apartment, or we will and then he will kick me out for one reason or another. So inevitably, I am stuck here with an ass who still holds my broken heart in his hand, but he doesn't want it. So now my heart is gone, trashed, an accurate portrayal of my worthlessness.
Beware of the nice guys. Mine turned into a dick. He always was one, just pretended not to be when he was infatuated with me.
Not to completely lay out the obvious, but I am NOT happy here.
So when he asked me just a few minutes ago what was wrong, I pursed my lips around my sucker and glared at him. He isn't right for me anyways. Who could ever possibly love someone like me?