Friday, April 27, 2012

I think K knows what my blog is called and has been reading it. Cue the panic attack. That bitch needs to keep out of my business.
Sigh... I had a little pork and beans (ew) because that is one of the only things here with no gluten in it, and a can of tuna (ew too). I also ended up going and getting nachos which brings on another sigh. Hopefully I haven't eaten too much. I will make some hot cocoa or something to fill me up. The taste of the water here is gross...
Thank you Miss Mad.
No one ever holds me accountable for my actions. They always tell me it's fine, who cares if I ate too much and to let it go, and since no one is telling me otherwise, I usually give in. Miss Mad you were on last night at the same time I was. You gave me the strength to go on a walk. A very long, very tiring walk. It was nice.
This morning I weigh 157.8 with clothes. Crisis over.
<3 you!
Ok I haven't moved. The night suddenly seems so terrifying. Maybe if I had better music on my mp3 player... It really is the only thing that can hold back my anxieties from the outside world sometimes. It keeps me in my own little world, like there is a barrier there, keeping me safe. Right now, I have a ton of music which holds no appeal for me, which is unhelpful, and the radio. I wish there were more stations. Most of the time every channel is on commercial or a love song.
H is so frustrating...
All right. Deep breath... here I go. Let's see if I can do it... Going out the door...
Everyone is asleep. I threw up some of it, because my stomach was bursting and I felt sick anyways. I can never do more than like, three good heaves though before I'm like, "good enough." and stop. Nachos has got to be one of the most disgusting tastes coming back up. I'm not trying to gross anyone out but that is the honest truth.
H has been friendly all day. He got back and told me I seemed happier today, and I just made cute eyes and said thank you which made him laugh.
Maybe I was happier because I didn't have to spend all day with him as a temptation or emotional upheaval. I didn't break down at all. No tears. I was a bit moody but it was manageable. I didn't get angry at all or make rude comments behind a sly smile. Not too much negative energy today.
I remember a few days ago, the room was dark and H was angry at me (I probably started it, I usually start it) and he must have made a mean comment at me with a cuss word in it, because I snapped. I grabbed the collar of his shirt and got my face in his and snarled, "Don't you fucking cuss at me ever again. I deserve better." Or something like that. I think maybe I shocked the hell out of him. He either said nothing or said okay really quietly.
I am not a viscous person and I NEVER get like that. I can be mean and bitchy occasionally when the situation asks for it, but never to anyone but family. I know him well enough to be comfortable doing it around him too, but still, kind of rare for me.
H says he noticed about an hour after I eat bread I go into big mood swings where I am down on myself. So, I hope that ceasing my intake of gluten will help. I haven't had any today, which made me ravenous when I did get the chance to eat anything. I love to just snack on bread. I crave it a lot...
It used to be one of my main binge items. I would take a giant chunk of cheddar cheese and three or four pieces of bread and wash it down with whatever. Then there was popcorn and fruit snacks. That was what was around back then, at my house. I am ashamed I did what I did today. It was awful. At least it wasn't like it was back then. After losing ten or so pounds by hardly eating, I went into a binge eating cycle where I would eat the before mentioned items to the point of consuming 2000-5000 calories, sometimes more. the only way I kept from completely ballooning back up was my extreme exercise habits. I would pace the hallway downstairs from night until dawn, and sometimes skip school to sleep in afterwards. After a while I couldn't feel my legs and I would just keep going on anyways.
As soon as I can get past my ridiculous anxieties I will try and go for a walk. I am terrified to wake H's dad up which it inevitably will to open the front door. That has always been an incredible anxiety for me. I think maybe I had one too many nightmares during the night when I was little, and my dad would wake up and explode on me when I tried to wake him up to help me. When my dad explodes it is terrifying. Even now. I can't even remember how horrible it was as a kid, who was already terrified from nightmares, and the paranoid idea of some kidnapper watching me through the window...
Massive nachos and massive reeces milkshake. FML.