Thursday, April 26, 2012

***Anorexia Cartoons***

Can anyone else see the butterflies I put on my page?! Because they are driving me insane and I never even look at my own blog... much. I don't wanna take them off though... They just irritate me because I can't focus while they are there lol...
I have issues hehe...
Does anybody else believe in aura's?
Half the time I really don't but then I start thinking about how certain comforts help us feel better, and certain people make us feel a certain way, and all it takes is a glance?
I think I have my own definition of aura though.
Take it how you will.
I weigh about 157.5 with clothes and after eating so... Idk where that puts me but I guess it isn't too bad. Or I mean- it could be worse.
H's dad is supposed to come home soon. Idk if H will stay another night at R's or what.
I made sure not to eat gluten today. I was reading a library book on food intolerance's and food allergies and took a few tests in it and it seems mine is kind of on the extreme side. Not to jump to conclusions but I could have Celiac disease which is linked to bipolar disorder.
If I stop eating gluten for a a while and my moods start regulating themselves... Either way it is seriously upsetting my stomach and has been for years. It is messing up my digestive system including my intestines. in other words? Gluten is really really really bad for me.
For those of you who don't know, this means I cannot eat anything containing wheat, flour, oats, and a few other things.
So think about it like this- I can't eat cereals, cookies, cupcakes, bread, noodles, bagels, beer, any baked goods, crackers, pasta, pizza or pretzels. That is just my basic list. Combine that with a lactose intolerance's, (dairy) and I can eat jack shit. Nothing. Nada.
I can eat meat and fruits and vegetables and that's about it. And I am thinking of being vegetarian again. I didn't eat meat for an entire year once...
Sigh. I am bound to hit the cupcakes again sometimes... I was so close to wrapping that icky rice stuffs K made me earlier into a tortilla just to make it bearable. I ended up eating as much as I could in between nibbles of sprinkles and then letting the dogs eat some and then scooping the rest into the trash. That is pretty much all I ate today... Some strange rice mixture with tomatoes and beans and onions and a whole lot of seasonings that didn't mix and made the stuff too strong. And sprinkles. I did have a bite of the raisin bran cereal to stop gagging on my pill though...
I have been going on walks lately I'm pretty sure.
I went on a little one earlier. It's pathetic how little I have lost since the beginning of this blog. I keep losing five or so pounds and then eating myself right up the scale. I gotta work on that...
Looking at all of these super skinny girls' blogs, I feel really... not even jealous, just motivated. I am jealous of H's ability to be happy just playing games and envy his hoard of friends, but I am not jealous of all these little girls... How strange. I must have blocked that part of me off after K...

I actually fantasize sometimes of revealing my identity. Something about this anonymity is really fun and mysterious. I am not anyone anybody really knows, but I have never been clear about where exactly I live or what my real name is. It's so interesting too, because it is difficult not to comment on certain little things that interest me because of my name, or someone else's name who I talk about often.

The idea of one day perhaps being known for this blog is intriguing to me and I don't know why. I would hate to suddenly die, eventually, and not having anyone know who I am. It just seems sad. This is the me I really love and I would hate for it to be forgotten...

On the other hand, I would never reveal my identity at this point, mainly because... well I don't know. Perhaps the idea of letting my name loose on the internet, connected to my innermost feelings and emotions fills me with panic. Or perhaps I don't want people to be able to look me up on Facebook or something and figure out  what I'm really about, even though I am not hiding anything from anyone here. Maybe it is because being faceless here, my words cannot be held against me. Perhaps I am afraid that, like everyone else in my life, you would come to realize that you hate me too. Something about the way I am irks people, but so far not my readers. I can't think that it is my looks, but is it?

I also could never imagine the real images of my wretched body getting leaked, like you all would be appalled with me or something. Whether I trust you readers or not, I just couldn't risk it.

I do daydream of such things as posting the image of my face for maybe 12 or 24 hours, and then taking it down. But I am ashamed of even my own face and I could not show it. Interesting idea, identities that is...
Hey girls, I updated the Ana's Playlist Page with a new playlist of Victoria's Secret Fashion Shows! The girls are gorgeous. Makes me wanna be too.

***Problems With H***

I hate what is going on between us and it is stressing me out. So I will make a plan to follow to make me feel safer.

Problem: H asks what is wrong.
Solution: Smile, and change the subject. If you can't think of a subject, tell him you suddenly have a craving for some kind of food, and then to change your mood, go on a walk.

Problem: Getting frustrated with H for ignoring you.
Solution: The more you try and gain his attentions, the more he will be pushed away. Go on a walk to calm down.

Problem: Confiding in H.
Solution: Use the computer and talk your problems out here, or in your new journal. If neither are present, text a friend, or go for a walk.

Problem: My unhappiness
Solution: Well considering you don't want to go back on drugs...

Ways to improve your mood:
1.) Start humming. the vibrations send the happy chemical to your brain.
2.) Exercise does the same thing. Go for a walk.
3.) Smile even if you don't feel like it.
4.) Tell yourself something nice about yourself once in a while. You shouldn't have to depend on anyone else to form the belief that you are wonderful and amazing. (Of course you are!)

My new goal: Not to effing break down every night anymore. It is putting a strain on you. Fuck it if he cares, but it isn't good for you.
Why you do it: You feel as if you have not accomplished enough during the day or made any progress with H.
What you need to realize: Rome was not built in a day, and your heart cannot be repaired that fast either.
Solution: Go for a walk girl. I cannot stress enough the importance of walking away and getting some fresh air. Even if you have to go for millions of walks a day, who cares? Not you.

This is me talking myself down. This is why I have not committed suicide. If I had multiple personality disorder, this would be the part of me that slaps the other me's and says, "Wake up and smell the roses stupid! Besides, they are pretty too..."
My life sucks but wouldn't it be a good story to tell my children someday? Of how mommy killed all the dragons and dumped the prince? Or tell anyone for that matter... What a feat to have achieved, I mean really. I conquered life! Now I just have to do it...
I'm sure I have lots more problem/solution ideas but I really just want to stop thinking about him right now.