Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Living with H means no control over my food. I can try and not mention food so that he doesn't remember to make me eat, but otherwise I am fucked. Otherwise, I would be following that same plan Miss Mad.
I would rather eat than for H to be mad at me. That is how effed up I am. And I HATE eating.

***One Wish***

Always a struggle
The feeling of fat
Of gross
Of awful

But losing
The numbers
Up and down
Tears, a frown
In this,
In Ana I drown

Another day
Another number
Never good enough
Never reaching far enough
To reach my goals
The stars
The moon
My goddess,

So sharp
I no longer
For needing
The survival
Of thin
Keeps me afloat
In this ocean
Of wrongs

I seek perfection
Even more than that
I want it
And need it
And crave it so bad
It eats me
I eat
And from the inside out I am eaten
It controls me
Feeds me
Not my body
My soul

Ana please
Save me
Be my family
My friends
My life
My heart
My existence
It's all yours
Just grant me one-

I want to be thin
       And beautiful!

***Ana Pics+***

Don't you know how it feels when you weight the same up and down, withing a few lbs no matter what for MONTHS?!?!?!
I'm going crazy!
It's not like I don't try. But what small effort I can give is worthless because my metabolism won't unfuck itself.
And H is always making me eat. Kills me...
Someone put me in a coma so I can not eat for two weeks and not even know it...
God, I have sinned so many times and yet you still won't strike me down... Maybe this Friday before a binge? And maybe I can stay under for a while? Thanks anyways God...
I guess I'm too fat and ugly for him to love me- no hater comments please.
There is some white on my nails. I have managed to stop chewing. Walking into the store next to K in a tank top is hell I found out. If I look anything like her since we weigh around the same, I don't want to live. I felt putrid and disgusting. I would give anything to be the weight of Miss Mad, or you others.
This is the thing, the torment called Ana. And yet, she feels so safe...

***Damn x.x***

Yeah the title says it all. I tried to read blog posts but it's like my attention span has run off with someone else. I can't get through a sentence of even my own writing- especially my own writing. Ever have days like that? I do... observe-

What is it with this ass? I am severely... like static.
Everything that is going on right now in my life... I don't feel like explaining or venting. I just want my girls around me you know?
K is probably less in weight now. The fact that she is winning at my game makes me extremely angry and scared and other things... like defeated.
I ate a giant thing of nachos just now. I got really upset and threw up a little bit of it, but not enough to really make a difference. My body doesn't have the energy to exercise at her rate. I feel like I can't do it.
So I might be having a blog night.
I guess I will read and write and post and shit and stuff...