Saturday, April 21, 2012

That was just an icky day. I ended up breaking down and sobbing my eyes out anyways and he asked what was wrong. he comforted me, hugged me and told me that I had not disrespected myself and that we wouldn't do it again. Then I told him that I didn't want to have forced him to go on a date with me, I wanted him to want it for himself first. He replied that we could go on a date. Considering he has no money... It will never happen. But the idea was nice.
I really hope I get this job I applied for... the one Y is trying to help me get.
I think what I am dealing with worst here is my loneliness. Sometimes a girl just needs her mom, so I keep calling mine expecting her to want to talk and hang out and love me. She was never that kind of mom. I crave human contact, exactly like what Miss Mad said- thank you for your concern by the way- and I just want to be held and/or loved and cared for. H was gone all yesterday and I thought he was coming home, so I waited up for him for hours and then I felt ridiculously pathetic and stupid. He isn't even mine anymore so what gives me the right to feel angry and frustrated when he doesn't tell me what he is doing? I feel like I am doing something wrong in that sense. I don't want to feel this way, it's just how I feel.
He came in this morning and greeted me with body contact. He jumped onto the bed and hugged me or something and made sure I knew he was there. Men are so tiring...
I don't honestly know how much I weigh. K has moved the scale out into the kitchen, so if I weigh myself I have to do it when no one is looking, which never happens, and I have to do it fully clothed.
Yesterday i had two hot dogs in buns, some sun chips, and soda. That's about it. Then I went on a giant walk, but for some reason I feel as if my pants are tighter today than they were yesterday and it frustrates me.
I read the book "Skinny" Last night. Liked it a lot...
H has this thing, where, whenever he is eating he will put whatever he is eating in front of my mouth so I have to take a bite or two. he gets slightly frustrated when I don't, so I have long since complied each time. He says he does it because otherwise I won't eat. How sweet. He knows me so well...
Hope you are all well, I hardly get a private moment on the computer anymore. They may move it into the living room so that K can't hide anything that she is doing anymore, but it will also mean I can't either.
Love my girls <3
Hopefully I will get a job soon so that I can buy myself a computer of my own. then you might be seeing me a lot. But until then...