Friday, April 20, 2012

I feel like I have been violated. I don't know why I did it. I made him get turned on, made him promise to go on a date with me if I had sex with him, and then I had sex with him. I wasn't even really turned on and it hurt. I didn't get any pleasure from it at all and now I feel like I'm disgusting. How could I disrespect myself that way?! I really don't know why I did it. Even the first time it didn't hurt, but I am sitting here as he showers and it hurts. Also, during, he didn't want to touch me or pleasure me in any way and that hurt. I hate myself for this.
I have been crying miserable all day for all different reasons so I can't cry now. It makes me feel like a baby. I cried when my last tetra died earlier, and when I accidentally knocked over his dad's bear and broke it, and even when he got angry at me for asking if we could hang out on Sunday. Then I cried for a while because I missed my mom and wanted her to be there when I needed her most. Crappy day.
And then the worst part is, I binged all day when I realized how fat I really am.