Thursday, April 12, 2012

***Bored 2***

***What Happens When I Get Bored***


I would rather have a panic attack than be bored. Being bored is awful.
Boredom has been, is, and will always be my worst downfall. It's my Achilles heel.
I eat, I chew my nails until they bleed, I destroy stuff, I cut my hair or dye it some obscene color...
I bully my sisters, text too much, or I sit there hot and miserable with my leg jumping up and down because I am restless. Nothing is fun. I get bored of everything I do...
Consider all of the things you love to do, and then imagine having the time to do them, but not wanting to. It's AWFUL. I play a little Pokemon, I blog a bit, I look up some videos, maybe one or two, I wander around, get tired and sit down, then I read a little...
Having conversations with my sisters suck, because they will wait until a pause in your story and then but in with their own story and when you try to tell the rest of it they get bored and go away. My sisters will never get the art of listening. I have learned it but when someone doesn't listen to you back? It's amazingly irritating.
Everything irritates me today. It's just one of those days. I don't like when people touch me, or when a little kid thinks I'm not listening so they repeat themselves over and over and over and over again. I don't like when all my sisters are trying to tell me something at once, which of course is not important enough to remember after they get called for ice cream.
Oh god the ice cream. I couldn't say no to my mom, even though I was suffering through that entire effing bowl. No one else wanted the rest of it, and I will never be able to waste food. I wish I could just throw out food when I'm done with it, but for some reason I can't.
Sometimes I don't even want to have kids when I grow up because of these little ones. I cannot stand the constant screaming and crying over nothing and them always hitting each other and all the scares because they don't care if the other bleeds... God it's awful. And the youngest one gets waited on hand and foot because my mom feels like she has something to make up for after she lost the baby. This may be awful but I am so glad the baby went to heaven. It's a much better fate than this awful household. Don't get my wrong I loved that baby for the two or three days it was alive, and I still do, but she is so much better off where she is now.
This place is hell and no one in it realizes just how awful it is. They have been born in and created it themselves, so they know no better and know no different.
I do.
Either they don't know how bad things are, or I am the only one who thinks anything is bad. Idk which anymore.
Part of me wonders if it's me. But that might be the boredom talking.
Let's just see what the boredom has me do next. Hehe...

***Song Stuck***

Usually when I get a song stuck in my head for many days on end and then I look up the words, I find my subconscious has sent me a message. I don't know how it works or why, but it does.
This song has been stuck in my head since maybe the day before I last saw H.

I am thinking that the title says it all. "Somebody that I used to Know". That is how I am starting to feel about H. I don't want to even know him anymore. I look back at what he is, and see something I do not like.
I just read the lyrics and they fit like a T. How does my subconscious always know me so well? Oh yeah...
I walked with one of my sisters for a while, maybe about an hour on the path that circles the house. I talk to her pretty freely about my ED because she might have one too. She controls her eating though not to the extent I do, and she has no desire to become a woman at all. I kind of understand that. I can say that I want to lose weight to look skinnier and feel beautiful, but if I really let myself get down to it, I just need there to be less of me. It's irrational but I want less of me to be there to grab on to or for people not to notice me as much. I feel that being this overweight makes my boobs look big and so people think I am someone to take advantage of.
I want to be more like a child. I want to be less... well, just less. I hate having men follow me around with expectations that if they are friendly to me long enough I might come to like them back, even though I have made it very clear that I don't want them that way.
Why can't they just want me as friends?
I guess that's how H feels though. Why do I have to want him only as a potential boyfriend? I always feel when I finally understand his point of view that it's karma, that I am getting what I deserve and that I am in the wrong.
I hate that I always come off as stupid and naive. F is always saying, "no that's ok," or "that's alright with me," "it's fine" as if he has to reassure me. I hate it. I usually say something and then laugh and he find that what, insecure?
Everyone underestimates me, but if I act like I know things, and portray any confidence, I am considered a bitch. I live in a sexist world. If a guy says what he wants, he is respected because he is a man. If a woman speaks her mind she's a bitch. There is still this state of mind where women have one place in society. H treats me that way a lot too. If I act confident he won't be around me. I have to be cute and innocent, or sweet and naive to get his attention. I don't care if he needs to feel like a man, he was a wuss when I met him and he's still just a loser. I don't get where his confidence came from all of a sudden that makes it so I can't be myself.
You know in romance books, how every once in a while the woman speaks her mind and some guy likes that? In the end he is always the one to protect her. No one gives women their proper strength anymore. It's still a sexist world.
Why then should anyone wonder why I feel stifled? Why then should anyone wonder why I feel insecure and inferior around men?
Another rant sorry. It's been nagging me at the back of my mind for a while.
My mom got really upset because she felt unappreciated because she made dinner like she does every night and everyone always just kind of wanders around and won't come during dinner time. I heard and walked in feeling guilty, and my stomach was full because of the sandwiches but I know my mom expresses her unhappy feelings through anger like I do and so I had to eat some. I hugged her and told her thank you and that I did appreciate her making dinner. Then I ate the weird chicken stuff wrapped in lettuce leaves and told her how good it was.
But she was still upset, so I feel even more guilty, even though there is not much I can do.
I actually peeked at some of her writing in her notebook that she left open next to the computer last night, and she was very unhappy with my dad. I think it was a journal. I have been kind of worried about her, like I said the other night she seemed a bit off lately, even though no one else can tell.
I believe she is trapped in her marriage. It is considered very wrong to divorce in their religion, so she pretty much has to try and make it work no matter how awful things get. She once told me that most of their marriage my dad blamed her for him not being able to follow his dreams. Even if she did want to divorce him, she has no job so she would not get custody of her kids and she would have no life and no where to go. She has to do everything around here because he is a selfish bastard. She has convinced herself that some things are her fault and that things could never get better unless she decides to be happy and a lot of stuff that makes me think of me. But the thing is, she will never be able to escape from this. It makes me sad. I want her to be happy and feel like she is worth something. Is it stupid that I feel protective of my mom?
She has always defended me against my dad. I just wish I could return the favor.
I weighed myself last night and I was 158 lbs.
Then this morning I was 156.8 lbs.
It's disappointing but I am definitely motivated to do what it takes to get down in weight and fast. I want H to be able to see the difference.
I found some green tea pills for weight loss with reduced calorie intake. They have caffeine in the them and you have to take them with a meal. So I ended up making three half sandwiches with tomato and way too much cheese again. Hopefully it will give me the extra energy boost I need to fix this.
They were actually my mom's but I asked about them on Monday when I was looking for food coloring and sprinkles, and she said she got them a while ago and used some of them but didn't remember how many she used. So I took a packet of ten of those pills today and only took one pill, even though it suggested two in the evening. The reason for this is that I hate taking pills and these ones were monsters. They were like effing horse pills. I have trouble taking my birth control pills and they are tiny. It's leftover associations from all the times I tried to kill myself with pills when I was younger.
Anyways... I exercised on the bike at least 450 calories, until my kitty decided to play fearless and attack the exercise bike. She's just that funny/weird/entertaining/stupid take your pick, there's more.
Then I paced the hallways like I did way back then. When I get tired I just kind of go numb and keep going.
I walked the path outside today for a while, but I'm afraid to get on the bike until night time.
I am really just kind of bored today. I'm withdrawn into myself quite a bit but it feels safe and warm. It's too hot today and I can actually smell the spring in the air, and the smells remind me of when me and H first met and so I am not particularly enthusiastic about life today. I am thinking maybe I should just forget about college for now and get a job, but I don't know. The deadline for the financial aid is coming up soon and I probably won't get around to doing it today or tomorrow. I tried earlier but got discouraged when I found that the college didn't have the class I wanted to take, so I would have to go straight into a four year course for what I want to do, and I really don't think I am ready for that.
I think I just want to get a job and maybe do some volunteer work for a while until I am comfortable with working and schedules again, and then maybe consider college again. I am somewhat panicked to make a decision the closer the deadline gets though. It was always like that in school. The sooner the assignment due date was, the more I panicked and put it off. Which reinforces my thoughts of waiting to do school even more. If I find out half way through the class that I can't do it, then I will have to pay off all the money I spent from financial aid and I would be in debt. I am not willing to put myself in that position.
Besides that I know I have ADD and I am not going to put myself on any more mood disorder related drugs because I really do think they are bull.
Maybe there really are disorders like that but some of that is probably just the meds dept. trying to make more money off of people. Happy pills sounds a lot like love potions to me. Maybe they do really work, but then, wouldn't people benefit from learning to cope on their own? That's where the stem of the problem is.
In this day and age, too many people are trying to sell quick fixes for the world's problems, because that's what people will spend money on. Things that are too good to be true.
This whole Ana thing is something of a quick fix idea too. But at least people don't sell Ana for money and most people don't develop it on purpose.
Oh, I think I will become anorexic today. I will lose weight fast and look gorgeous even though it will fuck up my body. But oh well. Right?
People really do think that anorexia is just some girls going on crash diets because they want to be gorgeous. It's well known to be a disorder of the image, whereas people don't realize what it really is and where it stems from. Sure the front cover of Ana seems like it's about image, but deeper into the book, in the higher numbered pages, you get to realize it's really about something else.
Sorry if it seems like I am ranting or whatever here. My mom and sisters were talking about the girls at church who were dieting even though they were at perfectly healthy weights. I actually believe my mom has some of it in her and doesn't know it. Either that or she knows but is deluding herself.
They were saying that girls who diet when they look fine are stupid and shallow. They still will not listen to me when I say I have an eating disorder, so I can join in these conversations just fine as if I am not one of the girls they are talking about. It's actually funny.
I actually do think my mom has an eating disorder though. I don't know if I have ever talked about this before, but she has had ten kids now and is a size 14 jeans and weighs maybe 170-180 lbs. Also, there is this old dress of hers that my little sisters use as a play dress, and she wore it to the prom or something. It's tiny. It's ridiculously tiny. And the thing is, my mom is a tall woman. Figure that one out for yourself.
I think I have ranted enough lol. I don't remember half of the stuff I was even typing now...
I didn't even stick to my own plan. I suck.
I know I ate too much and exercised too little but I am exhausted.
I'm going to gain a lot when I weigh myself tomorrow. There's no "I think" about that one. I know.
I should have just stuck to my original plan and should have not eaten at all. I can already feel how much fatter I am and it's gross.