Tuesday, April 10, 2012

I went for my appointment and the lady said that I should make appointments for several things and have them settled before I get ADD testing or meds. So basically, unless I go back on antidepressants or get on mood stabilizers, I can't get the main fucking problem fixed.
Also, I found out H's minutes expired today. I will be seeing him on Monday though- hopefully nothing will go wrong and get in my way.
On a brighter note, Y and F came through today and we looked at apartments and picked one. They already put the down payment down and if they are approved we move in on the second of May. I get the master bedroom with it's own vanity, walk in closet, and my own bathroom. No one is allowed to pass my door. It's really nice looking. Now I am just extremely worried about school. What am I going to do???
Back to the darker side, even after all of that hard work and exercise I gained .2 lbs. Bummer. Major bummer.
All I ate today was some curly and straight fries, three onion rings, both dipped in ketchup and some root beer. I am probably about to go make something in the kitchen anyways, knowing myself, but I can't stay the same weight forever. My metabolism may go bad but eventually it won't hold against my body's need for nutrition and I will lose again.
I met another nice guy today. He's bigger, and it seemed like he was picking on me at first, but later on he developed a crush on me and put his number in my phone and mine in his. Then there was the usual flirty poking because I startle so easily. He couldn't keep his eyes off of me, and a few others there could not either. I was at some kind of unofficial game tournament type thing with Y and F. That was nice attention I guess. But I am still not small enough.
Right now my body is taking nutrients from my muscles and turning them into fat. It's in survival mode. But I think I can actually see the difference in me. I may not get the number on the scale I want, but parts of me are slimming down somehow. I am either imagining it, or if I'm not, I am liking it.
Good luck ladies. I will probably make a few prettier posts later on for you all. :)
I don't know what came over me. I was at least somewhat satisfied with the 850 total calories I burned, and then I just burned another 150, making it the 1000 I promised earlier. It wasn't even like I had to, like I said, this much more, now come on, get on the bike. I wanted to. So I did. Somehow it's still not enough though...
I would be exhausted and panic if I let myself sleep knowing that I don't have the time to get enough hours in. My appointment is at 9 in the morning. Then maybe later on I will visit with Branden, but I'm not sure. I don't know if he will even have money for my phone. My unlimited minutes expires the 16th I believe. There will not be another chance for a refill. But who do I text anyways? Honestly?
H is no longer a recipient of my friendly words. Friday was nice, but since then I have really kind of forgotten about him. I don't have the energy for whatever that is anymore. If he texts me, fine. If not, I will probably contact him after a week or two and schedule another hang out because I am that stupid and desperate.
I don't think I even want him anymore. I want some fairy tale thing I made up in my mind with him as my subject a long time ago. It was a delusion that I nursed. I want to be wanted, and frankly I might be too desperate to care who fills that role. That's my honest opinion. Love is only love if you convince yourself it is, right?
It can be love until they are gone or someone else comes along. It seems to be temporary. It seems to go door to door. It seems to be cheep to me.
I don't want it right now.
I know this is just tired me talking, but I don't want to do today. I want to curl up in my bed and sleep and sleep and sleep. I don't want to get diagnosed for ADD. I don't want meds for depression or anxiety. I don't want to be helped. I don't want to live life. I don't want to work hard, or at all really. I don't want to go to school. I don't want anything but solitude and to be left alone.
I know that is all unreasonable, but I don't see how I will ever find the strength to be able to do any one of these even by itself. Then my life will just be an endless drawing of energy to survive. I don't want to live like that. I might as well be on the streets looking for each meal as it comes. It would be the same or maybe even better.
Fuck mentally healthy. Mentally healthy is for people with sticks up their asses.
The hunger games was good.
I exercised until I got to 100 calories burned. Then I was on the bike for about 100 minutes and burned over 750 calories. I know it wasn't enough though. It's just a feeling I have, a knowing feeling.
I feel... like I am on a train staring through a window. Everything happens in another place. I am merely watching through a foggy window, in my own world, where it is safe and nothing can touch me. When something breaks the glass, another pane is put over it to keep me safe. Cracks appear but the window keeps getting thicker and thicker until I can't see out. In high school, a friend once told me he envied me. I asked why and he said because it was like I was in my own little world. I guess he envied my escape.
I haven't felt this way in a very long time. I'm not sure whether it is good or bad, but I am guessing it's bad. The thing is, I like it. I enjoy this feeling, this safety inside my own life. It makes it easier to hide my feelings from other and not be an open book. It helps me revel in being lonely. It must be one of my darker coping mechanisms. I lived like this in my last few years of school. I was failing my classes and people hated me and were angry with me, but I didn't really care. On some level I'm sure I did, but caring became too much of a challenge, took up too much energy, when I could just sit back and say nothing and not be touched.
It is a wonderful feeling. I don't have to rely on anyone but me. I just fill my days with whatever I can and then sleep the night away and start over. There is no beginning or end and it is empty with no need to fill. If I think about it I grow upset, that things will never be different, will never grow to be good for me, but when I am complacent I don't need any of that.
I am fearful and I fear many things, but it traps me in and keeps me warm. I do not know what this is, but I am tired and want nothing more to do with the world and it's issues. If I stay in my head, fairy tales can still come true, dreams are not lost, hope is not gone, and magic can still exist.
There is no way out so I should just learn to live with what I have. I do not want companionship, I want to be left alone.
I think something essential is dying in me.