Monday, April 9, 2012

Today is one of those days when I miss H really bad and I don't know why. I didn't care much about him yesterday or for the last few days, but today... I just don't know why.
Tomorrow I am going in for testing. It will test for psychological disorders or learning disorders, but the main thing I want to see is if I am ADD. I filled out all the paperwork and there were a lot of questionairs. My dad got a little mad when my mom had to fill one out, because she was asking me questions in it like, do you forget to take your meds often, lose things, or drop things? Those were three of the questions and after she asked them I realized I hadn't taken my pill yet and then I couldn't find it. Then I accidentally dropped it when I found it. He thought I was doing it on purpose. It would have been quiet funny if he hadn't said something about it.
Then after the tests I may go and see Y about apartments. I will probably have to deal with F tomorrow too, but I will have to get used to that eventually anyways. I was supposed to bring a list but I have been busy all day and haven't come up with the time.
I know I ate an extreme amount today. I hate wasting and would feel guilty and unappreciative if I just threw away all of the candy my mom set aside for me, so I picked out half the stuff and gave those away. I gave most of it away. All I had to do was convince myself I didn't want it. I did end up eating some of it though, and that I am not proud of, but I already feel guilty for giving away what I did. My mom saw and she looked kind of sad. It might just be in my head though.
She has been zoning out all day. I hope she is alright. I am very sensitive when it comes to potentially hurting my mom. I love her a lot and respect her, and I would never want to hurt her. My dad has yet to earn my respect. I'm not just going to give it to him for being my father. He has to earn that. If he had been a good parent from the start he would not have to deal with that.
I didn't eat any of my sister's birthday cake, or any ice cream. She said she got cookies and cream ice cream just for me. That I also feel guilty about. I'm sure I'll end up guilting myself into it in the next few days. She's nine now and the sweetest little girl ever.
One time when I lived in the tiny, disgusting furnace room she came to bring me a sandwich so I would eat dinner. I thought it was my brother knocking on the door and I got angry and slammed the door open- into her face. The sandwich fell onto the floor and her forehead was bleeding like crazy. She must have been... five or so then I think, maybe younger. It still makes me cry when I think about it too hard.
My oldest brother decided to go to his church activity instead of his little sister's birthday party, which is sad, because he will only be here for a week and he probably won't get to be around for her birthday again or anyone else's. I didn't end up going with him.
My parents kind of push him to find a girl, and the church encourages it too. He feels that he has to find a girl soon and settle down. The thing is, he has Aspergers and my parents encourage him to do whatever he likes. They taught him that he could do whatever he wanted to in life. Nothing wrong with that belief, but perhaps it would be better for him to realize he's not like everyone else.
I don't think he will be able to find "the one" in his choice range if you know what I'm saying. He has too high of expectations for girls, and they have higher expectations than someone like him. My dad is encouraging him a lot, saying he's always hoping.
Some girl from church pity dated him, and then said they should go their own ways and he interpreted it as- she wouldn't be a very faithful. He sees girls with issues like his and talks about them like he has nothing of his own. He was talking about a learning disability when doing financial aid paperwork, and I asked him what it was, just to clarify and he said ADD. Does he even know what he has? I think my parents meant to enable him, and instead they set him up for failure.
Wow my dad just leaned over to read what I was typing and I nearly had heart failure. x.x
They know I have a blog but I was very clear that they could not read it and they don't know exactly what it is for nor do the know the name of my blog in case they decided to disrespect my wishes.
I covered the screen with my hand and said it was a private blog. He said oh ok and smiled and looked away. At least he will respect my privacy if nothing else.
My sister who is closest in age to me and I, decided to go back in my mom's old videos and watch her old exercise videos- the Richard Simmons ones lol. I remember way back when my mom used to exercise to them and I watched. I had to stop after maybe two songs though because of sharp pains in my shoulder and ribs. It was fun though. Some of my other sisters joined in too.
My oldest brother had the first Hunger Games book with him and is letting me borrow it. Now I won't have to wait a few years to borrow a copy from the library. I certainly don't have the money to buy it, or if I did have money I would use it on something else.

***Question 1***

So I have a question.
I'm paranoid I will end up wanting to ask another question and will want to make another post named question so I added a number lol.
My question is, what are your weird eating rituals? We all have them. I was thinking about it because this whole Ana thing is characterized by our eating habits and how we eat.

Me:
I always have to eat half sandwiches. If someone wants to make me a whole sandwich, I make them make me two halves. If I am really hungry I will make three half sandwiches.
If I do end up eating a whole sandwich anyways, I will usually cut it in half, and no matter what the crust has to be gone first. Also, I eat in circles so everything has to be geometrically perfect or symmetrical. it's ridiculous but that's me.
Waffles for example. I will cut off two squares each around the outside until I reach the middle with all sides eaten off evenly.
If I am eating pieces of something, I usually line them up in some pattern- large to small, or in order of eating. Any colored candies are lined up in color order, and then I have to make sure there are the same amount of each, so I eat or give away the extras of each color and then eat them one of each color at a time.
That's all I can think of right now but I'm sure there are more.
And as a side note- my family had waffles for breakfast a few days ago and I didn't eat any. Yay for me!
So what are your strange eating habits?
I think I was just tired and broke down. x.x
My younger sister wanted me to decorate her birthday cake, the young ones usually like me to do it... actually come to think of it, most of my sisters do. My mom always makes the cake and then she buys frosting or I make it and then I decorate. So my mom woke me up before I was ready because I had promised my little sister I would have it done by the time she got home from school. So I had to deal with frosting and sprinkles and candy and such and it sucked.
I weighed in at 155.4 lbs.
That scares me. I want to eat right now but I am resisting. I just want to work off what I ate and what I maintained yesterday somehow. I will chalk it up to eating too much yesterday. My body can't possibly be resisting yet. So this time it's all my fault. I will work really hard today. I will use the exercise bike to at least 600 calories, maybe 800 and I am aiming for 1000 calories burned. I know I can do it, it's just a matter of making myself do it.
My oldest brother wants me to go to the adult activities for the church here with him. He always went and he wants me to go too. He is always trying to get me to go when he's here. I don't want to.
They are doing genealogy today anyways and I dislike doing that. I already have mine mapped out from the time I stayed with my mom's parents for a month or so, and they work in a genealogy center.
I think I am actually going to have to eat something right now. The taste of the chocolate sprinkles and strawberry frosting is making me sick. I don't want anything sweet in my mouth.
Granted I could just brush my teeth but I think if I had something somewhat better for me, my binge eating wouldn't be encouraged to blow up in my face and spiral out of control. Maybe there is some fruit in the fridge...
So I've been watching a show called, "What's eating you?" I accidentally clicked on it while I was on YouTube and watched five or so episodes. It's about eating disorders. That includes Anorexia, Bulimia, and a few others not as well known like pica, and people who have these try and get help.
Watching it, I've come to realize a few things. First of all, that I do actually have one. I don't have to be extremely bony and obviously underweight to qualify or whatever. I do have an eating disorder and it is not healthy.
Secondly, I have come to realize that letting myself proceed with this disorder is halting any progress I make towards being healthy mentally.
"When someone starts an eating disorder, their psychological and mental health growing stops at that moment."
When I was with H coming out of disordered eating, I grew a tremendous amount. But it seems that now I have fully excepted we are over and gone or something, because I am delving right back into it. I want to grow and learn, but right now I am not all that caring about that, and I am letting the Ana inside me take over, and take the wheel. I am letting this thing control me.
Somewhere inside of me I realize what I am doing and I don't want to go back to it, but it's overshadowed by the part that likes what I am doing. That is possibly the hardest thing. I have avoided any videos or talk of anorexia and how unhealthy it is because I know that it will make me face what I am doing, and yet I let myself do it today, and now I am scared.
It seems clear to me that someone with a disorder this controlling cannot live a normal fulfilling life, or even be happy. One of the persons in the videos really got to me- well they all really got to me- but this one in a different way.
His name was Andrew and he was bulimic and anorexic I believe. He ran several miles a day and binged and purged. He just wanted to be skinny. I was enthralled by his story of abuse, and felt very connected to him, and a lot of it was because he has parts of his life parallel to my own. They showed how he called the producer and said he couldn't come that day because he had been kicked out of his home yet again. His roommates had grown so disgusted with his purging that they asked him to leave that night.
He had been living like that, being kicked out from every place he found, moving from place to place with no home and in the end became homeless. His friend, a girl, got very upset with him for not calling her to tell her what was going on, when she just wanted to help. He couldn't tell her that he was just too ashamed to say he couldn't afford to move in with her, and all she wanted was for him to reach out to her when he needed help.
I feel like that's what makes me feel close to him.
He self harmed badly after that. It was his only coping mechanism, and because of his inability to get out of poverty and help himself out of a bad situation, he got screwed over. He had had to get over seventy stitches for those cuts, and they had him go to the emergency room, which I am sure he could not afford.
When I was faced with being homeless, when H told me we were over and I realized because he couldn't face his own emotions I had nowhere to go, I had cut my wrist. I don't know that it really was a suicide attempt. I wanted to die, but cutting was really just my coping reaction. Then I felt even more trapped and wanted to die even more when the blood started flowing out and I realized I didn't have the strength to cut deeper, to cut again. I really wanted to be gone, but even that seemed to be barred from me.
What I'm saying is, I am not going to be able to learn and grow. I don't seem to be ready for that. Things here will not change, and will not get better. I can hope, but hope is a terrible thing.
"Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man"- Friedrich Nietzche
I have been hoping for a long time to get out of this place, but I feel that going somewhere else will just be a dream. When something is too good to be true, it's not. I turned down a solid out for a cat. I don't know right from wrong sometimes. I cannot see my mistakes until I make them, and that is the nature of mistakes.
I just can't see how someone like me, who is terrified to live and terrified to do much of anything, can face down every fear and come out happy.
I feel that someone like me is not meant to be here. There must be a reason that the young die young.
I'm going to bed now. Goodnight.