Saturday, April 7, 2012

***Eat And Fat***

***All Of You***

Hello my followers and readers, thank you all for doing what you do again. I have four followers now, welcome to those of you I haven't welcomed yet, and re-welcome to those of you who I have.
No worries, even if I move out without a computer, I will make sure to go to the library or hang out somewhere with a computer and keep in touch still.
Love you all XOXO <3


P.S. Check out my new page ;)

***Ghastly***

The title says it all. I ate way too much. It wasn't even the candy bag.
My dad took me driving for the first time. He took me to a church parking lot, and then he prayed before handing over the wheel. I'm not even joking. I would make a joke about it, but I don't really have to.
I drove around the parking lot for a bit, and then I felt like omg this is too scary. I don't want to do this anymore, I give up. But then I realized learning to drive was inevitable and it had to happen sooner or later. might as well be sooner, so I kept going. After a bit, my dad thought I was ready to go out onto the roads so we did. I didn't have any scares really, except he scared me when I turned too fast without coming to a full stop at the stop light. I honestly didn't see it. He yelled, I panicked, and I gave up for the day soon after that. There were no cars even in sight at the moment, so I don't think it was necessary to yell. I make mistakes. I'm human.
Anyways, as a piece offering, after the parking lot and before the road he asked if I wanted an ice cream. Due to my extremely bad relationship with my dad, I had to take it. When I was little I was daddy's little girl. It was always my favorite thing to do to go get ice cream with him. I had to let him.
That thing was huge. the cone was tiny, but they put the ice cream on top twice that height.
I figured, I would just exercise a lot later on and eat nothing else.
The friend who was going to let me move in, he texted saying he found out there could be no cats and dogs.
My two cats do not get along. my mom says if I have to leave her with them both and they still don't get along, she will have to give one away. I could never do that to my kitties.
One I have had all through middle and high school and she has been a great comfort to me all that time. She was pretty much my best friend when I didn't have any. The other, I rescued off the streets. She was abandoned by her owners, who probably gave her some of their drugs for kicks when she was little (well, littler) and it stunted her brain development.
So I got super depressed and ate a ton of my mom's homemade sweet potato fries and a turkey sandwich and then maybe a mini candy bar- the bite size ones. I feel like crap. Even worse, I ignored the part where I'm not supposed to have dairy- ice cream- or gluten- the wheat bread.
Sigh...
My friend already put down the down payment, but he's going to try to get it back (good luck with that). The other guy is still going to move in with us though. They are both going to try and find a pet friendly apartment. I only agreed to this so long as I could have a lock on the door. They won't have to know there will also be a chair under the doorknob and maybe an alarm system... a bell on the door will have to work at first though...
Both of them have jobs and one can't support me on his own.
We will call my friend Y, and his friend, the flasher... F.
We'll see if I remember those...
Now the guy who flashed me might end up moving in with us too. Fuck my life sometimes. Just really fuck my life. I haven't even eaten and the idea is making me so anxious I feel nauseous. I might end up dry heaving anyways...
I just found out my oldest brother is coming home today for a week from college. I don't talk to him. It's not like I ignore him, we just don't really keep in contact I guess. I haven't talked about him much. We never particularly got along. I tried hard to be a good little sister to him, but it's really hard.
He has Aspergers.
For those of you who don't know what that is:
http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/asperger/detail_asperger.htm

He has a lot of difficulty socially, and it is hard to keep a conversation going with him because he doesn't know how to communicate well.
He gets frustrated easily, and when I was younger I made him angry a lot and he would hit me, stab me or throw objects at me, or try and strangle me. I tried to call the police on him before when I was very scared for my life, but he or my parents would stop me by pulling out the cord, or catching me and restraining me. He would grab my hair or my arm and hurt me to stop me. It was always very scary.
On the other hand, I felt it was my responsibility to watch over him. I didn't know for most of my life that he had this disorder. I sensed something was wrong, but I didn't know what. I saw him being bullied on the back of the bus, saw other boys laughing at him and he thought they were trying to be his friends. So I am also protective of him.

On another subject, I move into a new apartment with that friend of mine on May 2nd I think.
He doesn't have a computer... So... I'm terrified actually. It's stupid but I really rely on my connection with you guys and friends I can only get a hold of online.
I almost would just rather stay here, but my friend put the down payment down today.
What am I gonna do???

Also, my sisters left me with a giant bag of sweets because it's Easter. I have snickers, MnM's, tootsie rolls, jelly beans, Caramel eggs, musketeers, twix... oh my God I am so fucked.
So, K is losing weight still. She said she's about 165 lbs. now.
She asked how much I was and I lied and said I haven't weighed myself in a while. I was trying not to encourage her. Then she guessed I was somewhere between 160-150 lbs. and she said she thought maybe in the lower 150's. It's good to know I look smaller than I am.
I have to say, when that guy flashed me I think it triggered an Ana episode. Since then I have hardly been able to  eat and I have been motivated to exercise more. I think I just feel violated, and I crave being smaller. I want there to be less of me to grab on to. Maybe if I was skinnier I would look older, less childish, and guys would stop pursuing me with the assumption that I'll do something with them. Do I look desperate? Do I look easy? I need to be smaller. It sparked a need in me that I haven't been able to access for a while.
So, I'm sure everyone has been waiting to see how much I weigh, so here you go.
On Wednesday, I weighed 159.8 lbs. I stayed up all that night and didn't sleep until the next night.
Yesterday, Friday, I weighed 157.4 lbs.
Then today, I weighed myself and I am 156.5 lbs.
Yay for me!!!
I can actually tell the difference, in my stomach the most. I can usually wake up and think about how my stomach feels and know whether I lost, and whether I lost a lot or just a little. It's one of those things an Ana girl just knows I guess. It's one of the many ways we measure ourselves.
It's like when we see how many fingers we can get to touch around our wrists.
So Good Luck Girls!!!
I hope you are having some of the same success as I am. If not, you may have to come and steal your old success back from me. :)

***New Socks***

I went to the mall yesterday for the first time- with money. I had $40. I spent... well, I only got one thing.
I have never really had anything cute or pretty before. The only new clothes I've had were from my grandma once a year. She has a lot of money and when she comes here, which happens maybe once a year or less, she buys us new clothes. Last time I got new clothes from her, I was massive. I was probably around... 190 lbs or 180 lbs. Either way, all those clothes are two or three years old and I have grown- or rather, shrunk out of them. There are size 16 jeans from her. Yikes!
The only other time I got new clothes was when H's mom took us all shopping from the beginning of the year. She bought me clothes that she liked on me, I really had no choice in the matter. I think I picked out one think, a loose poncho or something, and everything else- her picks. I don't wear any of them anymore. bad memories and stuff I guess.
So all my life, I have had thrift store clothes. It's stuff that is stained, too short, too old, and sometimes ripped. People don't generally give up nice clothes unless they are already ruined.
I got myself a pair of knee-hi's.
I took a ton of pictures for you guys, but this is the only one that doesn't make my legs look fat, and my knees still look funny in this picture...
Okay, I'm home so here is a fuller story of last night.
I got to the apartment just after they had left. My phone had died so I didn't get the message that H was going to the store. I texted saying I'd wait for him there, but he said that he and his dad were coming back to get me.
H was friendly. I sat in the back seat and he never turned around to look at me. Later as we were shopping, he would look a little closer, a little longer, then he started doing little things.
He knows I collect bread clips so as I was picking out tomatoes he grabbed ten or so and put them in my pocket, smiling. Then he started asking what I wanted to get. "Do you want this? How about this? Don't you like these?" I mostly chewed my nails and stood quietly and when he asked I would shake my head no, or say no thank you.
There were several things he got anyways, because I have a habit of turning something down and then wanting it later. he got two different special brand root beers, and as I was getting in the car he appeared in my doorway and asked which one I wanted. I protested for a while, saying I didn't want either. Eventually he wore me down and I was like ok, fine, and I grabbed one to shut him up and he gave me the other one with it.
I said, "You said choose one."
"They're connected," he joked. "Happy birthday." And jumped in the front seat.
When we got back I had him shut the door, and I asked straight out, "do you really not feel anything for me? Right now?"
"As a friend," he replied. I got quiet, was upset, leaked a tear or two but no desperate crying or angry talk. All I said was ok.
I wanted to go home and give all his stuff back, and I voiced that, and he got angry, so I went quiet again. I left it alone for a few minutes, but when I was quiet for too long he got frustrated again and was sitting there scowling. I think he tossed something off the bed. So I gave in.
I pushed him onto his back and climbed all over him like a little kid. I have a biting problem so I may have bit softly here and there... Which sounds odd to you I'm sure. I smiled, and giggled, and headbutted him pretending to be a bulbasaur. His smile came back.
"What are you doing?" he asked laughing.
"Nothing." I sat up and batted my eyelashes and he hugged me and pulled me down.
"I refuse to believe that you don't have feelings for me anymore. I don't care if that makes me delusional like me mom; I just don't believe it. He kind of avoided having to comment on that a few times, and then...
Well, let's just say I'd taken off my sweatshirt earlier and my shirt wasn't exactly a turtleneck. I'm naive and most of the time I am unaware where my boobs are when I'm paying attention to the rest of me.
Something turned him on anyways, and he tried to hide it and I watched him do it. He put a blanket on, was moving his knees up, rolled over onto his stomach. Either way I rolled him back onto his back, and I was like, "You know what no one ever lets me do anymore?"
"What's that?" he asked.
"Curl up between their legs." It's very comfy there, all sexual stuff aside. I have fallen asleep using his leg as a pillow numerous times.
"Why don't they let you do that?" He wondered.
"Well, because it's awkward," I motioned towards that area. "But I guess you won't let me either..."
"I wouldn't mind."
Then I laid down between his legs with my head on his stomach, again, not even meaning to be sexual. Fat guys are comfy. What can I say?
Anyways, by that point it was very evident to me.
I got really bold and put my hand right there and I asked, "What is this?"
"Nothing."
"No really, what is it?"
"Um..."
"You like me." And it went on from there.
I would like to say however, that I did not have sex, so no worries. But I did get him to admit it. He got turned on again twice later, and was doing stuff all night like poking my but or grabbing it because I squeak easy and he finds it very entertaining.
I startle so bad so easy, everyone thinks it's funny.
I ignored him for a while, hanging out with K for a bit. Him and his dad went to the store and I didn't invite myself along to be with him, which is progress.
He was distant all this morning, but still somewhat flirty. He startled me at least a half a million times, which I'm sure is not good for my heart. He sat on me earlier actually x.x
I understand he just needs his space. I got a quick goodbye hug from him after he helped me gather all my things, and then I left. And I have not texted him since.
I feel like I made mistakes anyways, things like indulging him in ways I knew even as I did them I shouldn't have and other stuff.
I have to remember his words from last night though. What he was basically saying was, yes he did like me, but that did not mean we were ever going to be more than friends again. He didn't want me to carry those expectations around, and I know I can't.
That's what happened, and I apologize if I said somethings that you didn't want to know, but I feel that they were necessary parts of the story.