Thursday, April 5, 2012

I just searched the web to see how to show off my butt. I can't believe I really did that.
And I still can't get myself to go to bed. I'm sure I would fall asleep quickly if I actually laid down, but...

The guy who flashed me feels bad about what he did, so he said he would help pay for my phone bill to make up for it. He likes texting me that much.

I texted H, but only once. That doesn't make it any better though. I just mentioned that I think his friend will more likely take him home in the afternoon and wondered if it would be a waste of my time to go into town. He didn't text back. I HATE when he does that. Tell me to shut up or tell me you never want to talk to me again, but don't effing leave me hanging. He just pretends I didn't text. It's fucking ridiculous, and I'm sick of it.

I might just use my $40 on myself, or at least some of it, but I'm afraid I'll need it. I am also getting anxious about the financial aid and other college deadlines. My mom said she would help me but she hasn't gotten around to it. I really need her help.
I am still awake and when I don't sleep for too long I get weird.
Everybody ignore me, I'm going crazy!
I get really random and hyper and everything is funny or a cause.
Since I last posted though, all I have eaten was two brownies. I think that would be considered doing good?
I'm not sure when to go to bed though. For some reason I am dreading going to bed. Maybe because I am stressed a bit about tomorrow?
I will be seeing H tomorrow because tomorrow is Friday.
I am scared out of my fucking mind. Seriously.
I am also a little tired...
I thought I was having spelling issues for a bit there, but it turns out the y key is being mean.
Anyways, wish me luck. Wish me my brother's luck. He doesn't use it responsibly.
<3 Venus

***Comment Commenting***

I just finished burning 300 calories in about 35 minutes. I am planning on staying up all day today so I just have to busy myself so I don't eat. It's proven somewhere that self control when tired is significantly reduced compared to being well rested. We'll see how I do.

Miss Mad you have no idea how good you make me feel.
Here I will make comments on your comments all in one post lol.

Thank you for the comment on my drawing abilities. People are forever amazed by my drawings, but I have decided not to pursue art as a potential way of living. I won't be going to college for it like I might have when I was younger. My dad, whom I love very much, frustrates me in this respect. It is easy for him to praise my art when all it takes is a glance to tell me it's good, while what I really dream of is writing. He told me the harsh truth that I would never make it as a writer, even though he has never bothered to take even a moment to read his oldest daughter's work. On that subject I'd like to thank you and all of my readers for doing what you do- reading my words.

I have always loved to draw, ever since I was little. I was only average at it back then. Something happened to me when my mom sent me to my aunt's for a summer. I almost ended up in her custody. That entire experience changed me and when I drew after that, suddenly I was pretty talented.

Then when all that stuff happened to me at the beginning of this year, my abilities blossomed more and I realized I could easily draw whatever I wanted with great skill. But my heart isn't really in it anymore. It isn't in much lately.

A little fun fact for you, I am actually known to be best at portraits. I was in the mental hospital and somehow I ended up drawing a girl I met. She showed the drawing around and everyone said how it looked just like her. One man, who had watched me draw it bragged to everybody how he himself had witnessed me draw her, capturing every feature, and it had only taken me about five minutes. It's something I'm good at.

I ended up doing a few more portraits there, and I had nurses coming up to me asking me to draw someone they loved for them. I got special privileges actually. One of the nurses called another at some other place, and that woman came and said she could set it up so that I could have my own drawing pad and a special set of pencils (you aren't allowed to have personal belongings in there). Another gave me a big pink eraser that I could use. Pens and other sharp objects are closely monitored when they are allowed to be used, because they could potentially be used to hurt someone. It was a different kind of experience.

It was nice being told I was talented, but... I found it difficult to draw very much and I did not care to be known well for it.

Also, thank you for saying I don't look bad right now. It doesn't change my image in my head, or the fact that I am going to lose weight, but it is assuring that I don't look disgustingly awful. If you were this size you might think different though lol.

As for the other comment, the one about nail chewing, I actually have had really long nails before. When I stop chewing, it's usually easy for a while. But once one breaks I cut them, and then every little crack or uneven shape and I chew them all off. It might be an ocd thing. I've tried some pretty awful things on my fingernails. I chew until the bad taste is off of my nails, then I chew some more. I think I have tried vinegar and a few other things. Short of poison or crap, I doubt it will work.

What I find is somewhat useful, is wearing gloves. Right now I don't have any, but when I wear them, even when I am unaware of what I am doing it quickly comes to my attention. It's a little difficult to chew my nails when I have to chew threw the gloves first. Gloves do get in the way though. I'll figure it out eventually.

Also, because my nails are so... chewed down, when they are actually long they are very thin and brittle. I often bend them backwards which hurts, and they break easily and I hurt myself with them a lot accidentally.

That's actually how I started self harming. I had long nails and I would use them to scratch the skin off the back of my hands until they bled. But if I have an itch, I end up with the same bloody result. Then I end up picking at my face a lot too... it's something I need to work on.

It's really good to know that you read all my posts. I'm not sure what could be so interesting about the way I write or the things I do, but there must be something there to catch your attention, and that feels good. It's nice to know my life means something to somebody. :)

Again thank you.

Venus <3
I realize that I am posting a lot right now, so I'm sorry if it's hard to keep up with. I find it very helpful with my weight loss goals.
So far today I have had a little soup with some bread, french bread I think. Then I had quite a few tootsie pops but overall my calories aren't awful yet. I just burned 200 calories on the bike.
Or so it says anyways...
I weighed myself about an hour ago and the number is unacceptable to me.
So I am going to try and exercise some more.
I will probably end up eating again, knowing me, so I will need the extra calories burned off.
I'm taking a break for now, but I know I will be back on again in a little while.
I really need a shower too...
So, I don't know anyone else who does this, but I chew my nails. I hate it and I have stopped before, but I really don't think about it. It takes a very conscious effort to not chew them, as in, I literally have to stare at my hands and make them stay in my lap. But as soon as my mind wanders or goes somewhere else, my fingers are right back up to my mouth.
They are so short that the ends of my fingers are in extreme pain when it's cold. I guess the nerves are exposed. When they are short enough and it's warm, they still hurt. Now is one of those times.
I should really stop... but it's another thing in the list of, "easier said than done".
I'm on the exercise bike again. I really need to lose weight.
These are some drawings I did a while ago so that I could visualize my goals better.

This is me.
Not morbidly obese in all honesty, but still not appealing in the least.

This is what I want to be.
Skinny, confident, sophisticated.
In other words, beautiful.

This is the entire drawing.
The numbers over their heads are there to represent my goals. I am around a size twelve, and I want to be at least a 3. But instead of just writing the numbers and looking at them, I added meaning. There is a very vast difference between the two, and that is there to motivate me.
I will do better.
I will lose weight.
I will be a size three.
I don't know if I can do this.
H texted me again later on, asking if I wanted he could take me off the food card.
I freaked out in my head, thinking he just wanted me off of it so that he could cancel our hangout on Friday, or so I would have no reason to "make" him hang out with me. I stayed calm outwardly though and said I didn't want my own right now and I didn't think I could get one with my parent's salary. He said if I said I provided for my own meals I could get one. I don't really think I can though.
So I asked if I could call and he said ok. I hate calling him now though. I hate myself every time I have to ask.
Anyways, I talked to him on the phone and he seemed pretty friendly about it so I don't really know. I chatted a bit in my very fast, hyper way of talking. I sounded very happy and excited and I kind of was. I have to admit, I am somewhat enjoying life right now despite the bad things that have been happening to me. I said nothing about me and him except I think I said if he didn't want to be friends that was ok, and he was like, "No, I just wanted to see if you wanted your own card."
Does this seem like maybe an excuse to hear from me? I don't know.
But I am really afraid he has told himself he doesn't care about me that way for so long, I won't matter to him when he sees me again. I'll be: "Just a friend who is funny and fun to hang around with".
I don't want him to see me as just a friend, but even if he smiles when I play cute, and laughs and looks genuinely happy to see me, unless I make him admit out loud that he still 'likes' me, I believe that he will keep lying to himself that he doesn't. But I can't force anything.
I will probably wait for the right moment after he has shown enough of it to give me opportunity, and then mention something about him liking me in an offhand way that he will have to respond to.
But I can't think of what that might be that I say, and I'm afraid.
Sigh. I guess I will just let it go and let myself lose control in order to let things be natural.
I have the hardest time letting go though and I will continue to be anxious until something goes right.
Also, hearing from him today jolted my confidence a bit and so I am not as sure that I will come out of this unharmed. It seems wrong to want him back, and even more wrong to try and get him back. Everyone keeps telling me I need to move on, and somewhere inside of me I believe it too, but my lack of control pushes that aside.
I suppose- no pain no gain, right? If I went into everything knowing that I wouldn't get hurt, I wouldn't try anything at all. And where would I be then?
Maybe I am over thinking this, but I can't seem to tell what's right. And whether I know what is right or not, I still can't help myself from trying this with H again.
I wish I had the self control to let it go, and I wish I didn't stop making excuses for myself and doing stuff I know is stupid.
Perhaps it's about time I fought for what I want, but maybe I need to let go. Being torn over two decisions is painful. I'm going to try and exercise. My stomach is empty and growling, but I feel icky and fat.