Wednesday, April 4, 2012

I forgot to mention that I am going to try and win H back. He texted me today saying his dad didn't have the money to pick him up today, Wednesday, so his friend would drive him back on Friday.
I asked if he wanted to hang out Friday or wait until Monday  but he didn't answer.
I asked if I could call, and again no answer.
Then I was like, Sorry if I'm bothering you but you didn't answer and I would like to get some food now that the food card is refilled.
He answered saying he would get me some food on Friday. I guess he wanted to get it over with. Then I asked if he didn't mind hanging out on Friday too, just for a few hours. I have to seem nonthreatening if I want things to work. He said ok, and I haven't texted him since. I am so proud of myself for that.
I am keeping my mind open. I'm not daydreaming of H in my future, but I am daydreaming a future for myself. I might be alone with a job, which doesn't sound bad, and I might find some other guy. I have to make sure I am not making H my only option or if and when things don't work out with H, I won't be set up for misery and panic.
On Friday I will probably go into town with my mom and my little sister to shop and stuff, and I'll probably go to the library for a bit. Then when he texts he's home I'll head over.
Hopefully I can charm him enough to get him to realize he still has some feelings for me. He realized it last time, and it has been what... a month since I have seen him last?
If I act the right way he will remember it, and if that doesn't work nothing else will in my plan. If i can get him to that point, I will act a little distant and pay attention to a lot besides him so (basic reverse psychology) he will want me more. Then when I leave I won't text unless he texts me, and I will keep even that brief, and if I play my cards right, he will come running back. The reason we didn't work out before is because I was too emotional all the time and needy and it pushed him away. If he felt something for me before, perhaps he will be able to find that in himself again.
Last night I dreamed that we met and he didn't feel anything for me and he was just very distant and angry with me and wanted nothing to have to do with me. And in my dream he said he really didn't care for me anymore, that he felt nothing and didn't want to ever see me again.
But in my dream I also acted very emotional and tried forcing him to realize he liked me.
So the thing is, I have to be very casual about it. I will just be friendly and smile, be positive and act cute. If he is charmed, there is a chance for repair. If there isn't, I need to move on.
I am prepared to be rejected I think. If he isn't interested I need to say ok and leave him alone.
I started my period late. I was freaking out even though there is no possible way I could be pregnant. I get paranoid easily I guess. And I gotta say cramps SUCK.
Anyways... I worked out a lot yesterday. I ate two small bowls of tuna pasta salad- my mom's homemade stuffs. And maybe something else small, I can't remember. Then I set up the computer downstairs and the exercise bike and watched thinspo videos on YouTube.
I made a playlist of them. There are about 25 on it I think.
And I exercised for a while two different times. The first time the bike said I burned 235 calories, and then the second time I pushed myself to get to 300 before stopping. I burned 300 in about... 46 minutes. I really pushed myself that time.
Then I slept all day...
And I won't say how much I weigh because I weighed after eating and I am bloated from my period. But it is under 160 lbs. Thank God.
Today feels kind of off again. I wonder if it's because I don't feel good or because I still have not gotten over being flashed from yesterday. Whatever the reason, I will feel better if I lose more weight. I am really motivated right now to get down below 155. Small goals help me achieve more faster. It has to seem reachable. Also, I love to write stories so I started another blog specifically for a story I've been meaning to write, and I am going to make it pro-ana. It's maybe a weird thing to do but it will help me pass time.
I haven't written for months, maybe as much as a year, and it will help get me back into it.
So anyways, good luck everybody. I will probably post more pictures later. Those are really helping me.