Sunday, April 1, 2012

Sigh...
The friend who was going to let me come over hasn't called yet and it's night time.
And R was on facebook and I started a chat with him because he commented on one of my new pics, not a bad comment either. I asked him if he still wanted to be friends and he said ok. Then when I started saying I didn't want him to only be friends with me to avoid conflict and he said he had to run to the store real quick and logged off FAST. It makes me sad.
Then I was having an argument with my brother about twilight. It was a stupid argument but I actually had proof and experience to back up my side. Bella obviously has some mental disorders like depression and other things, because it is not healthy to be completely obsessed about Edward like that. She does not value herself enough to admit that she matters even when he's not there. She needs someone else to say she is valuable to believe it. She has low self esteem and is not very considerate. She gets annoyed when people try to be nice to her like at school, and only has friends if they make it all about her. The entire series just made me depressed.
My brother said she overcame something and that is what's so great about it, but I felt that she didn't overcome anything.
Edward came back. That didn't fix her self worth just her depression.
My brother argues that true love overcomes anything and that I haven't felt it before and that's why things didn't work for me.
Bella is not mentally healthy, and from the standpoint of someone like me, who is actually involved in those same feelings and situations, she does not set a good example for girls who are reading them. No one matters but Edward when he is gone. She ignores her friends and her family, and they are the ones who really care. They matter before Edward, but she is so blinded that she cannot see it.
Then she went and found a rebound to try and fix it.
I did think it was good writing, but the characters are flawed and all in all it was not uplifting.
I'm not even saying it was a bad book. But my brother is psycho.
I said I quess I shouldn't argue with someone still dealing with mental disorders and he said "I won't say who that is because I am better than said person." So I blocked him.
He was trying to comfort me the other day when I felt like really harming myself and all he could say to me was believe in God. You are messed up because you don't believe in God.
Family really comes through when you need them right? Sigh.


What I need to do to help me with the situation with H, is to try and find joy in life again. I need to surround myself with people who will care about me no matter what, and teach myself that I matter without someone holding me up. I want to carry myself. It is difficult, but it's not like in twilight. H is not going to come flying back because he can't stand to be away from me any longer. He isn't going to make everything better again, and he isn't going to magically fix my self worth either.
If I ever get in a relationship again, I hope I will be able to uphold these same things. Just because I might have someone to hold me up doesn't mean I should always let them hold me up.
Damn that pizza last night! x.x
159.8 lbs yesterday.
158.8 lbs today.
One thing I love about having the house to myself? I don't have to search desperately through all my clothes to find something that fits, is comfortable, and cute. I can walk around nekked while doing my laundry and watching pokemon. Everyone cover their eyes! LOL :)
I told a guy friend about the thing on facebook and he texted that he was coming over. He had to drive all the way out here to make sure I was ok. Then we hung out for a while and he went home just before midnight. Also another friend of mine who actually used to hang out with K and I when I was younger- I might be seeing her tomorrow. She said she'll call me when she gets off work tomorrow morning. Hopefully these plans turn out. My mom called and seeing how upset I was told me a few people I might try calling to see if I could get out of the house. She told me what to say and told me to hang in there. She's being a very good mom right now, which is good because she didn't always treat me right when I was younger.
The house still has problems but I feel that my mom is doing a lot better.
I will being moving in with a guy friend at the end of April and hopefully I will be able to use my financial aid to get the class I want, which should help me get a job.
My mom said as soon as she got back she would help me figure it out.
Also I found out that she called around to see if the doctor who treats my younger sister could help me, because she said he is very good with checking symptoms and being smart, as opposed to just giving me a new med and saying go at it. He only;y treats children though and I aged out at 18. But I am glad my mom took the initiative to help me. A lot of times I am so overwhelmed by my emotions and trapped by my anxieties that I have trouble helping myself out.
Things might get better but you just watch out for my next emotional battle lol. It will happen I guarantee. No one ever said getting out of the pit was easy or that I wouldn't fall back in sometimes.
I should just be glad for the times like right now when things are ok. Maybe not wonderful but ok. It's definitely a step up.
Back to my show now...