Wednesday, December 19, 2012

"Leave" 2

So to continue with what I w saying.... everything felt really wrong already. I couldn't even express how I was feeling to him. Eventually when someone doesn't get what you are saying after ten or twenty or a hundred times, you stop trying to tell them whatever it is. I'm tired of it. I am not sure he has the ability to know what I need, or even to understand what really matters to me.
H texted me that last night after D had fallen asleep. I do find myself missing him sometimes, but it doesn't hurt as much anymore. It's like a soft love pang that makes me smile to remember. He was my first love when I think about it. That boy I wrote notes with and pretend dated, what I had with him was nothing like what I had with H. I say pretend because we were both Mormon kids and we weren't allowed to date for a few more years at that point. So we wrote notes and flirted. Oh but he does count in a way. He actually calls me randomly for no reason. I still smile when I think of him too.
I am back at the apartment by the way. I must have looked terrible when I went up the stairs at my parents' house yesterday after I discovered what had happened. He left me a little note in his awful handwriting but it was my sister who told me that he had to go home to help his parents with something. He actually left while I was asleep, on his day off, because his mommy and daddy told him to. My mom says he tried to wake me up but then I wonder how hard. I did tell him very firmly in the past to never wake me up, but where is his good judgement? Face the panic attack I might but might not have because of being awoken? Or be absent when I panic because I realize I was left behind to fend for myself and pack up heavy things by myself, and say goodbye by myself. I was more worried that I wouldn't be able to get a ride back here to the apartment. A person can really die on the inside and I'm living- or really, dying- proof. I think anyone else struggling with an eating disorder might be the same as me in that way. No?
But I felt so much like crying and it must have shown on my face, because I went upstairs and my mom asked what was wrong, concerned, and I just said, "I want to go home." Thankfully she was able to be a proper mother then. She told me that I could leave with my dad and the girls when he had to take them to church activities. I ked when they would be leaving and she said half an hour. I guess my expression said it all. She then assured me that my oldest brother could drive me home whenever I wanted. I managed to finish the package to my other brother, the one I haven't seen in years, and I packed my things. My brother had to carry my stuff out for me because my mom asked him to. I literally could not lift the backpack without seriously hurting myself. Last time it cut off all of the blood in my arm and then pulled a muscle over my shoulder. I have terribly painful back issues and my ear was hurting, and I was shaking from refusing dinner after waking up... it just wouldn't have worked. My back pain at its worse literally takes the breath out of me and I sort of stay really still because it hurts too much to move. All of those bad falls on my head and neck and choulders, and the falls on the ice and rocks on my back... I was thrown off of the trampoleen by accident by college boys when I was eight or so and landed on my head. And I crashed my sled once and basically hit my tail bones and the top of my spine on the ice on two separate occasions. My back hurt for weeks after, both times and many more. I am so beat up. >.<
Either way, my mom had to ask him at least five times to help me and then he started getting angry and I got scared-er. I was already in a state of high anxiety. He's the one who used to beat me and strangle me and try and stab me with things. Pencil into my thumb once...
I'm only afraid when he gets angry, but I always get really scared when anyone gets angry. I do love him. I love all of them.
I decided then that I HAD to get skinny. D will never get it, and neither will most people until they can see it on my body. I want them to want to protect my heart because if they don't, I'll starve myself into nothing.
I wanted to eat nothing. Not a thing. Ever. Again.
But I did. Food has been shoved at me all day. A little bit of this or that. At my parent's house, they usually offer me food instead of just giving it to me. The old man threw me a rise crispy. I didn't want to just shove it away somewhere. Showing is appreciating. But my mom knows I have some sort of eating disorder and would pressure me to eat something at some point. Here, it is A LOT more forced. So I'd been snacking only a little bit on chips all day, not really counting chips or calories, but after looking at the back of the bag, I had a vague enough idea to keep myself in check. But then I had bites of a lemon parfait because I was afraid it would go bad and get wasted, and something else I think, but I took my pill right after that to help since the last was wearing off anyways. I do follow directions with that though. No self medicating so to speak, or overdosing or whatever. I'm not really addicted. My appetite is,  but I can easily forget it or skip it on purpose. Swallowing big pills make me gag, and that's not meant to sound dirty.
They made onion rings, and cheese stick thingies, and some fries just for me. I had one or two of the first two foods, but I picked at the fries, K's version of a handful and never finished even half. Maybe a third- maybe.
I turned down the chocolate frosted donuts with m'n'm's and sprinkles though. I said I felt sick and not very hungry, which is actually really true. I weighed after doing my bathroom stuff and then took a shower. I am at 138.5 I think. Or maybe it was 137.5... well, around there anyways. Better than at 140 still I suppose... or at that number again, I should say. Meh. I literally only sleep every other day now and so I haven't slept since I woke up to find D gone. That's about... well, I've been up at least 27 hours now. I can't sleep.
But I hate myself for any food right now. Real anorexics, 500 would be a high number for them, wouldn't it be? I get thousands of calories shoved down my throat. I am sure of it. I need to lose. Now. I feel like my body is going to obsorb anything I eat as if it's a high calorie food. I shouldn't be scared to eat a few green beans but a lot of food is a lot of food, and a small bowl of green beans that adds up to barely any calories is still too much. It feels like water has calories, and if I drank too much of it, my body would absorb it as fat somehow anyways. And anything that says it is zero calories. I always give high estimates, maybe that's why. Food is food is food and no matter what, eating feels like giving in and failing. Sorry to write so much all at once. For anyone who gets through both posts- you have a lot of patience! O.O

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