Monday, December 24, 2012
It's like you are so sad and depressed and just gone from the world that your heart is literally in pain, like a million rocks are being thrown at it at once. You can't breathe because if you do, reality will stab you through the heart. You want it to stop so badly that you need to think of a million ways to die. You try and cause yourself so much pain on the outside that it distracts you from the pain on the inside, but it's never deep enough. The relief is so small and lasts only a moment, but it's all you need to get through another night.
It feels so nice because I finally feel like me again- like I'm at home because I am so far into my own head that it blocks out the world. I am finally home. I haven't been home in years, but I am finally home.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
I had an ear infection the other day, a really bad one and had to go to the doctor's. It was so painful I was crying. I didn't even take any pain medication for several hours because I didn't think about it. My mom wanted my dad to take me and my dad was busy and wanted D to take me. Thank goodness at least he did or I would have had to walk 3 1/2 miles or to the bus stop in the snow, in the cold, with an ear infection that made the entire side of my face feel like it had been smashed in with a rock. Not fun.
But his mom called to ask him what he was doing and so on and so forth. We hung out after work and she called at least 3 or four more times, each time asking where he was and what he was doing... I always feel like complete shit when I hear her always angry voice over the phone, controlling her son, and making me feel like I am taking him away from her or doing something to hurt him. And she does is every time. Everything is controlled by his mom. Where he goes, what he does... The day he left me at my parent's house, it was because she wanted him to help shovel snow.
He picks her over me every time. I can't just make him choose between me and his own mother though, so I told him maybe we should break up. But we didn't. More empty promises, more empty words and stupidity.
He asked the old man if he could stay over last night and the old man said yes, so I asked him if he was going to call his mom. He thought he was supposed to say no. Well, he lives there and I couldn't just have him not come back without telling her. She would wait up for him. So I told him there was a difference between calling her because he was being a mama's boy, and calling her to let her know something important. Like, that he wasn't dead or something.
So he called her, but then I found out he had asked her to call him in the morning to make sure he got up for work. I told K in front of him and asked her if she thought that was okay in a very pointed way. I don't care that I made him mad and inappropriately humiliated him. The prick deserved it. It is SOOOOO wrong to ask your mom for a wake up call when you are sleeping over at your girlfriend's house. NOT COOL.
This boy needs to grow up.
Half the time I feel like I am only determined to stay with him because on paper he sounds so perfect. Opens doors, is willing to support me, loves kids and wants a family, wants a house with pets, wants to help me fulfill my dreams... He's caring and thoughtful and considerate... Not very smart but I would hate for him to be smarter than me to be honest. I have had more than enough of men who won't listen to anything I say because they think they know better than me.
I know that I have loved him at times, but the feeling seems to come and go, and flicker like the fragile little flame at the tip of a candle. The more he acts like a grown up, the better I feel towards him. But there is also that sexual side of him that he is so attached to that just makes me feel sick to be honest. He says he understands and respects that I want to wait for marriage to have sex, and I have that standard set in my mind so firmly that I am not sure I could ever get carried away. I have slept in the same bed as him and messed around with him probably at least a hundred times now, and never gotten close. He said he now values the same thing for himself but then all he has to do is get extremely turned on, (a common occurrence to my disappointment), and he wants it and says he wants it. And I have either become comfortable enough with him to let me have a little more freedom with my body, upper half only, or I just give up on trying to make him do things my way. I am tired of so much.
I find myself missing H a lot more now. He told me through text a while ago that he felt the apartment was too quiet without me. He admitted ashamedly to having dirty dreams about me but I know it's only human. The few days every once in a while when we are both here at the apartment together he treats me so nicely and so sweetly that I feel sad that I gave up on him so soon. I mean, I know I could never go back to him unless me and D were completely over, but I could never leave D for H.
What I miss isn't even H's love, but his mannerisms He was never afraid to stand up for himself or the people he cared about the most. When he had your back, you knew you were safe. He always knew what to say when I was depressed and cried. Even now, I end up breaking down on him and not D. D never knows what to say. His hugs feel uncomfortable. But H still feels like home and he always tells me that things will turn out okay and that everything will be alright. He tells me that things will get better no matter how many times I protest. He won't take no for an answer that way. H always knew when I was lying about eating and tried to get me to eat. D just lets me starve. I tell him when I am not eating and it's almost like he has to remember to make an effort to be worried about it. He never even tries to ask me to eat. Not even one try. D never gets things. He forgets things I say to do or not to do. I hate to say it but he is really stupid. H always got those things though. He was supportive and always pushed me to talk when he knew I really wanted to but tried pushing him away. He knew when to let things go and when to push them.
I'm sorry if this is confusing, all the D's and H's.
I'm not in any real pain over H, but I do miss him. I still love him, but it's kind of in a soft, sad way. The way one always feels about the memory of their first love. The first one never really leaves your heart. I have no plans or desires to get back with H though. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe let me put it this way. Before H was ever my boyfriend, he was my best friend. Even when we were dating, and now after all this time of being apart, he just feels like my best friend. He's the one I want to worry about me, and carry me when I'm too weak to walk, and feed me when I am so sad that I can't eat. But it's D I am with.
Last night next to D, I actually started crying because I didn't want to do Christmas anymore. D knew because of the way I was curled up under the blanket that something was wrong, but I don't think he knew I was crying. They were silent tears but they flooded out. He just said he didn't know what to do, and then asked if there was anything to do and I shook my head because I didn't know what to tell him. And I feel asleep unsatisfied. Even now, I don't care to be near him for a while. I told him I wasn't going to spend Christmas with him. I don't want to. I might see him Christmas eve, and maybe Christmas afternoon or night, but the desire or care just isn't there.
As of this morning I am 137.8 pounds. It's just not good enough. I walked for hours yesterday and only ate when my meds made me feel like I was going to throw up. I have to take antibiotics three times a day, and I take pain killers with those, and then I take the ADHD meds twice a day. I always gag when I swallow them, especially because the antibiotics are like horse pills. It's nasty. But at least I am not binge eating anymore. Today I had one pop tart so far, and some potato salad. I think I have a fever...
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
So to continue with what I w saying.... everything felt really wrong already. I couldn't even express how I was feeling to him. Eventually when someone doesn't get what you are saying after ten or twenty or a hundred times, you stop trying to tell them whatever it is. I'm tired of it. I am not sure he has the ability to know what I need, or even to understand what really matters to me.
H texted me that last night after D had fallen asleep. I do find myself missing him sometimes, but it doesn't hurt as much anymore. It's like a soft love pang that makes me smile to remember. He was my first love when I think about it. That boy I wrote notes with and pretend dated, what I had with him was nothing like what I had with H. I say pretend because we were both Mormon kids and we weren't allowed to date for a few more years at that point. So we wrote notes and flirted. Oh but he does count in a way. He actually calls me randomly for no reason. I still smile when I think of him too.
I am back at the apartment by the way. I must have looked terrible when I went up the stairs at my parents' house yesterday after I discovered what had happened. He left me a little note in his awful handwriting but it was my sister who told me that he had to go home to help his parents with something. He actually left while I was asleep, on his day off, because his mommy and daddy told him to. My mom says he tried to wake me up but then I wonder how hard. I did tell him very firmly in the past to never wake me up, but where is his good judgement? Face the panic attack I might but might not have because of being awoken? Or be absent when I panic because I realize I was left behind to fend for myself and pack up heavy things by myself, and say goodbye by myself. I was more worried that I wouldn't be able to get a ride back here to the apartment. A person can really die on the inside and I'm living- or really, dying- proof. I think anyone else struggling with an eating disorder might be the same as me in that way. No?
But I felt so much like crying and it must have shown on my face, because I went upstairs and my mom asked what was wrong, concerned, and I just said, "I want to go home." Thankfully she was able to be a proper mother then. She told me that I could leave with my dad and the girls when he had to take them to church activities. I ked when they would be leaving and she said half an hour. I guess my expression said it all. She then assured me that my oldest brother could drive me home whenever I wanted. I managed to finish the package to my other brother, the one I haven't seen in years, and I packed my things. My brother had to carry my stuff out for me because my mom asked him to. I literally could not lift the backpack without seriously hurting myself. Last time it cut off all of the blood in my arm and then pulled a muscle over my shoulder. I have terribly painful back issues and my ear was hurting, and I was shaking from refusing dinner after waking up... it just wouldn't have worked. My back pain at its worse literally takes the breath out of me and I sort of stay really still because it hurts too much to move. All of those bad falls on my head and neck and choulders, and the falls on the ice and rocks on my back... I was thrown off of the trampoleen by accident by college boys when I was eight or so and landed on my head. And I crashed my sled once and basically hit my tail bones and the top of my spine on the ice on two separate occasions. My back hurt for weeks after, both times and many more. I am so beat up. >.<
Either way, my mom had to ask him at least five times to help me and then he started getting angry and I got scared-er. I was already in a state of high anxiety. He's the one who used to beat me and strangle me and try and stab me with things. Pencil into my thumb once...
I'm only afraid when he gets angry, but I always get really scared when anyone gets angry. I do love him. I love all of them.
I decided then that I HAD to get skinny. D will never get it, and neither will most people until they can see it on my body. I want them to want to protect my heart because if they don't, I'll starve myself into nothing.
I wanted to eat nothing. Not a thing. Ever. Again.
But I did. Food has been shoved at me all day. A little bit of this or that. At my parent's house, they usually offer me food instead of just giving it to me. The old man threw me a rise crispy. I didn't want to just shove it away somewhere. Showing is appreciating. But my mom knows I have some sort of eating disorder and would pressure me to eat something at some point. Here, it is A LOT more forced. So I'd been snacking only a little bit on chips all day, not really counting chips or calories, but after looking at the back of the bag, I had a vague enough idea to keep myself in check. But then I had bites of a lemon parfait because I was afraid it would go bad and get wasted, and something else I think, but I took my pill right after that to help since the last was wearing off anyways. I do follow directions with that though. No self medicating so to speak, or overdosing or whatever. I'm not really addicted. My appetite is, but I can easily forget it or skip it on purpose. Swallowing big pills make me gag, and that's not meant to sound dirty.
They made onion rings, and cheese stick thingies, and some fries just for me. I had one or two of the first two foods, but I picked at the fries, K's version of a handful and never finished even half. Maybe a third- maybe.
I turned down the chocolate frosted donuts with m'n'm's and sprinkles though. I said I felt sick and not very hungry, which is actually really true. I weighed after doing my bathroom stuff and then took a shower. I am at 138.5 I think. Or maybe it was 137.5... well, around there anyways. Better than at 140 still I suppose... or at that number again, I should say. Meh. I literally only sleep every other day now and so I haven't slept since I woke up to find D gone. That's about... well, I've been up at least 27 hours now. I can't sleep.
But I hate myself for any food right now. Real anorexics, 500 would be a high number for them, wouldn't it be? I get thousands of calories shoved down my throat. I am sure of it. I need to lose. Now. I feel like my body is going to obsorb anything I eat as if it's a high calorie food. I shouldn't be scared to eat a few green beans but a lot of food is a lot of food, and a small bowl of green beans that adds up to barely any calories is still too much. It feels like water has calories, and if I drank too much of it, my body would absorb it as fat somehow anyways. And anything that says it is zero calories. I always give high estimates, maybe that's why. Food is food is food and no matter what, eating feels like giving in and failing. Sorry to write so much all at once. For anyone who gets through both posts- you have a lot of patience! O.O
So the night before last I stayed overnight at my parents' house. I was there for three nights. The first was soon after coming back from D's in that incradably horrifying mood. I couldn't stop snapping at him and biting his head off about stupid things, and I mean- really,really stupid things. You know, like when kids are in a car together too long and suddenly the most annoying thing is that everyone is breathing too loud, and they are just a hair into your space bubble because they have to be but it feels like they are in your lap crushing you, and you can't breathe? Maybe you don't know what I mean but it doesn't matter. I lasted the night okay I think. I slept fitfully on the couch, going to bed hours later than everyone else, probably at around two or three in the morning. Then the kindergarten age sister was the first up besides my dad who was in the shower, and that was maybe seven in the morning at latest. She ended up waking me up by accident so I helped her make breakfast. But that's all besides the point.
After a little while I just felt trapped and lost and out of control. The constant noisiness and bustle of my large family on a Sunday morning made me withdraw. I got out my computer and plugged my earphones into that because my mp3 player was mostly drained and I couldn't find my recharger anywhere. I started out on Facebook but as everyone was hurrying to get ready and was paying less attention to me, I put up a YouTube tab and turned on my playlists. It was one of my pro Ana playlists. I didn't have to even watch them to understand because I've seen them so many times, I associated the whole determination of becoming tiny with them.
Once they left, I watched the car turn out of the driveway and then I immediately went to change. I pulled out the exercise bike and put my laptop plugged in to the side and played my playlists full screen with the speakers loudly pounding those songs through whatever part of my brain made me work harder. I was sweating withing minutes I think. I only worked off 230 calories before D came over. And when he came in I was still doing that in the basement so I had time to push it aside and pull a heavy sweatshirt over my see-through, sweaty and loose top. I don't know how he didn't hear my music and just come down, but he knows about those playlists and the music on them, so it's not that big of a deal I suppose. Just for some reason I really didn't want him to know that I was exersizing. The more you tell the okay people about your eating disorder, the more they can do to make your life hell when they finally see you and realize what is going on. It's never scary or dangerous or bad until you look that way. Literaly- fat chance.
I went right back into my old mode and it was tempting to just stay there and sink into it. I forgot to take my meds for a while but on the second or third night I was so withdrawn into that not eating mode I have, that somehow I completely over wrote the extreme cravings that Med will give you when you forget it. I may have eaten green beans the first night, but I refused everything the second. Nothing looked good. Not even the Christmas treats my mom had made that no one else will ever be able to turn down unless they are puking their guts out with the flu. Even then...
I finished the box for my brother and left it with my mom who was going to dig out some candy to sprinkle into the tinsle I threw all over the place in there. She even decided to pay the shipping fee for me when she shipped it out. Hopefully she got that done.
I hardly saw my lovely cat, Princess. The new cat got worms back which she must have had too and given it back to him. But at least he got treated for it once. My poor baby sleeps outside ever other night in inches at least of snow and terribly cold weather because she is scared to death of the new cat, who vicsiously attacks her when he sees her. The new cat also attacks the little kids and scratches and bites up their hands and then meows when he isn't being held or carried around. My cat lived there first. I've had her for four or five years now and they just basically sentenced her to death. Not only is she sicka nd has worms and is freezing all the time, but the other cat eats all of her food and there are coyotes outside. They got several of my other cats because my mom let them outside regularly on purpose. I have basically resigned to this idea that she's going to die any day now. My mom basically killed Mia that way. Remember me talking about her? Well she is long gone and dead by now.
Princess means so much to me that I am just completely shut down at this thought. I'm sure at least some of you know how a pet can be more like a best friend or family member than just an animal you cage and feed.
I wandered off topic again though. The third day- the night before last- I fell asleep in the early hours of the morning, maybe five or six in the morning, hours after D had fallen asleep. I woke up several times with half asleep, mini panic attacks. For some reason I thought D had left and I was then there alone. Of course through each panic attack I was too tired to think and kept falling back to sleep. That kind of anxiety always gives me nightmares. By maybe the fifth or sixth time I woke up, (I'm not sure how many times I was awake enough to remember all of the panic attacks), I sat up and made myself think for a moment.
I don't have to worry about him leaving me. He's different. D isn't H. He wouldn't just leave me here...
I knew every time I woke up a little more awake that I wasn't going to get up for a while. I was planning to just stay there under the covers until D dragged me out, which he never does. I wanted to just curl up and die. I was sitting there breaking my own heart, thinking that- again- he was up talking and playing with my family, and my sisters. I'm not sure why exactly this was riling me up so much, but I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I just didn't have the energy to do everything with them, I've never had enough for that. So watching them smile and laugh with him like he already belonged, when I have always been the black sheep of the family hurt. He could do everything with and for my family that I have wished all my life I could do for them, and it's all because I am lazy and fucked up because I am depressed. It hurt. I went out there to the house and I only see my family once a week at the most, usually more like once a month, and my family- my SISTERS- spent more time with him. My parents even spoke to him like an adult and then they turned and treated me like a child, like a stupid, selfish, self centered little teenager. It made me feel like I was being put in my proper place below D, and below everyone else. It felt like I wasn't worth anything to them.
I know this is all I rational but it's how I feel, and there is nothing more true and honest than the way one feels. My feelings ARE valid. Just not to anyone but me I guess.
So to conclude, I called out to my sister from the couch and asked her where he was. I meant in the house but... I already knew though. The first time I woke up panicking, my subconscious already knew he'd left me there at my parents house. Somehow he became delusional while being friendly with all of them. He KNEW how rough that place was on me. I had even said the night before that I wanted to go home when I woke up and he was gone. This is long so I'm going to continue it in the next post.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
I have been away way too long..
So I guess I was at or around 130 for a while. At least on D's scale. Yes we are still together.
I weighed myself when I woke up some time after midnight this morning, and I am 140.1 Pounds. At least it isn't 145 I suppose. But I feel like I took a million steps back there. I was regularly in the 130's for a while. I have been at 140 for sooooo looooong!!!!!!!!!!! Agh. It sucks.
But, I am going to take my ADHD meds regularly now. It kills my appetite like nothing else. I took it this morning and I haven't eaten much since. When I start to feel like I could eat everything again, I can probably take another. Also, I have missed so many days that I went to get a refill on I think Monday, and I still haven't had to open the bottle. I still have some in my last bottle. But that's good. I have trouble with sleeping regularly which bothers me medication-wise, like, do I take two per day or two per period of being awake? But I decided it needs to be two a day. Then I can sleep whenever and keep my appetite gone. Hopefully.
I have had a cream soda, which is liquid so I won't really count the calories, and I have been sipping a coca cola vanilla zero for a few hours now, and I am snacking on mint patties a little bit. They are 30 calories per I believe, and I have had I think seven now? That means I've had 210 calories so far. That is perfectly fine with me.
Because of how much I have been binge eating lately, my metabolism should be doing pretty good so I figure as long as my calories are below 1,000 for the day, I should lose. But I hope I have so much less than that. If I snack on more mints, let's say 13 more to make it a total of 20, then it's still only 600. That does seem like a lot actually... Oh well. We'll just see how the day goes.
So in other news, the pack of cigarettes I bought ages ago and put in my purse? I smoked my first one a few weeks ago last time I was at this apartment instead of D's house. It wasn't bad... It's a secret I have been able to keep which makes me feel safer, and I haven't smoked any since, so I know it won't be an addiction. I might do it again next time I need a little more of my destructive side. It creeps up now and again.
There was the issue of smoke smell, but I said I talked to a girl in the park and she blew it all over me and made it another one of my little stories before anyone could even ask. If need be, she will become something of an imaginary friend who I meet with in the park again to explain it. The cigarette wasn't enough to satiate my dark mood at the time so I remembered a scar a girl had once shown me in high school. She actually talked a little about self harming, although she didn't do it as often as I did, and she was a bit more on the wild side. She also did drugs, smoked regularly, had sex with her boyfriend all weekend every weekend, had been in jail, had done the whole starving and purging thing... just for a little background. She had a scar from a cigarette, a self made one I guess.
I found out that cigarettes burn lol.
I did actually put it out on my arm, which for those of you you don't know, they take a little twisting and dabbing to put out. They don't just snuff out after one touch. But anyways. I have self harmed in many ways over the years, and I can see this as just another one of them. Try not to be too alarmed with me...?
The burn didn't show up for a while and then it made one of those blister bubble thingies...
I naturally pick at scabs by the way. It's a compulsion. Some people may think it's gross, but then, how many people pick their noses and chew their nails and pick at pimples? Anyone who is grossed out by that should probably learn to realize that life isn't always prim and proper and people aren't perfect nor do they always have every clean habit out there... Anyways. Always with the random tangents...
So yeah, there is a nice sized scab there. Not pretty to look at... but oh well.
I hope everyone else is enjoying this Christmas season more than I am. I am just purely stressed out about it. I don't have a home to decorate and I can't even keep the things I bought everyone for presents, or the things I bought to make presents out of- here with me at the apartment.
I don't know what to do about it... : /
Love you all. I hope you all can lose a little this season too. <3
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Alright so... I might be back on blogger now but I'm not really sure. My problem before was that it was inconvenient more than anything to actually get on and still have privacy. My computer can be a pain but it does start up and it does have privacy. It just sucks to have to open it up in my lap on a moldy mattress on the floor. I have been at D's house for way too long. It's been more than a week I think. Maybe more like two.
He is letting me borrow his tablet for home. I downloaded lots of games and hooked it up to my accounts and all kinds of things. I downloaded a few of my favorite mangas and I can always read those if internet stops working there. The tablet is as easy to get on as pushing a button. Literally. For those of you who don't know, this thing is basically the size of a good book but flat, and it has fast access to internet and I can download apps onto it. It's a little mobile device I can use to count and keep track of my calories and keep myself occupied between those- I'm hoping FEW calories.
So I am actually posting off of the tablet right now for the first time.
I am so stressed out about the holidays. I gained ten or fifteen pounds back. The scale here takes away five pounds but the scale at the doctors office seems to say that the other scale is more accurate. So, I am about 145 pounds again. I was at 130! How could I have let myself go?!
I wanted to be 120 by new years and I could have done it. But I still want to believe that I can do it.
I don't have the time or the money or the energy to make or get presents for everyone this Christmas season. A friend of mine who I used to talk to online all the time pointed something out to me sort of last time I talked to him. I asked if he was looking forward to Christmas this year and he said no. He said, I'm old enough now to know to feel bad when others give me presents and I haven't got anything for them. And he was right.
It takes the joy out of Christmas at least for me.
For years I saw Christmas as this beacon of hope. I always felt that somehow Christmas could make things better, that it really was that magical time of year. I still wish and hope, but I know I will just be disappointed like I am every year. So my only goal for myself this year is to be Skinner. All of my private memories of the seasons passed when I successfully lost weight and lived safely in my own little world are swarming over me and I just want that back so bad. The idea of Christmas being over haunts me because I will feel like I do every year. That I wasted my time when I could have been doing so much. And the idea of summer makes me want to puke. I want away from all of that forever. I hate sumer. I hate the heat. But then, I hate a lot of things.
Maybe right now I am just scared but I don't really care for any idea of what is mentally healthy right now. If we can't be normal human beings with normal emotions the kinds we actually feel with then what are we? People who are perfect are monsters because they cannot feel correctly. I like me the way I am in my head. It's just my body that I want to look better to reflect what I really am. A fat girl can have a great personality but no one will ever look past her fat to find it.