Saturday, November 10, 2012

I'm sitting here binge eating because I can't handle my life right now. Still balancing at 140.
My family just dropped the bomb. They are moving to another state in the spring. I don't know whether to stay or go, but either way I feel fucked.
The only reason I am even staying with D right now is because it feels like he is my only hope for survival. If I dump him and move on, I have to go find a job and support myself and try and get my own apartment. This sucks. If I go with them and am able to see my family ever, I am also starting over with nowhere to go but stay with them. But if I stay here, I may not get to see my family ever, and if things don't work out with D, or if I outlast my stay at the apartment with H and them, I am fucked. I would be homeless and my mom would just say, I can't do anything about it, over the phone when I end up on the streets.
I hate my life. It really does seem pointless right now. There is no place that I feel okay.
D is just making mistake after mistake. Things like making things constantly sexual. Way to make me feel respected. And I can't even share my problems with him anymore because he makes it all about him. If I feel bad, he feels as if he should have done better and then he sits there and hates himself for just being the way he is. I hate it.
I feel seriously sick. I haven't felt well and healthy in probably years now. I can't handle life. I feel like crap...
I see I have more followers, welcome.
Just to make things clear, this isn't a super happy go lucky blog. It's just me being honest. I don't care for pretending to be happy 100% of the time, just so that others don't judge me.
I want to be so tiny by Christmas... I want to be tiny NOW.
My little sister is 14 and she is an inch taller than me now. She is under 125 naturally. I want to be skinnier even than that.


  1. Damn, that's such a tough decision to make. I'm sure you'll pick what's ultimatly right for you though. I wish I could give you some deep and profound advice about D but I have no clue when it comes to guys lol. You're going to be soo tiny by christmas I'm sure. Especially in comparisson to everyone else, because everyone else will be eating tons of sugary sweets and turkey and ham and all of that other super fattening christmas junk :)

  2. venus, this sucks. i'm sorry you feel so low that everything seems like shit. i really hope it'll get better. and i hope D stops being a jerkface and starts treating you with some respect.

    i hope the day gets better. and every day after today. <3 *hugs*

  3. Oh sweetie, things may seem really crap now, but try not to stress because everything will work out in the end. You WILL be tiny just like you want. xox