Thursday, November 29, 2012

Hey guys. I'm still here, I just don't really... feel like sharing much lately. But don't worry about me if I am gone every once in a while for several days, okay? Love you all!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Hey everyone. It finally clicked and I messed around with my internet settings and was able to fix the problem with commenting. I can comment now!
I am going to bed now because I am exhausted and have a huge headache but I will see what I can cover when I have time. Look forward to at least SOME commenting. No promises.
I got back on my meds and only took the starting dose again and my mood felt a lot better, but I have no short term memory on this med. Like, it's part of my cognitive disorder anyways but my thoughts literally leave me a split second after I make them.
"I need to do this..." And then it's gone.
But it is taking away my appetite. I had two muffins for breakfast- 800 calories yuck. I know. Then I took my meds and I don't remember eating anything else except for a bowl of soup with noodles, at around 350 I think. I have been binge eating like CRAZY since I got off that med. Withdrawal I would think... But now it's better. I want to get back down to 140, then head down into the 130's again. I suddenly ended up at 148 in one day, but I weighed in at 146 this morning. I didn't even take my meds yesterday so I must have done something right, and had control over myself somehow.
Feeling crappy mood wise right now, but again, sleep...
Goodnight girls, love you all!
Let's get skinny.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

This song is stuck in my head again...
"You Lost Me" by Christina Aguilera

I am done
Smoking gun
We've lost it all
The love is gone

She has won
Now its no fun
We've lost it all
The love is gone

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected,
And somehow you left me neglected

We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

And we tried
Oh, how we cried
Oh, we lost ourselves
The love has died

And though we tried
You can't deny
We're left as shells
We've lost a fight

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

Oh, I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Cause babe, you lost me

Now I know you're sorry
And we were sweet
Oh, but you chose lust when you deceived me
And you'll regret it, but it's too late
How can I ever trust you again?

I feel like our world's been infected,
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Oh babe, you lost me

I feel like MY world has been infected. I feel disgusting, and dirty, and violated... I feel worthless. Anyone else know this feeling? ...I am very familiar with it, but it's constant now. It won't go away. It makes me feel constantly... Abused. I am always sick now... I am so tired of this. I'm not manic depressive right now. I am just sort of... here.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

I have just saved the first two cycles of America's Next Top Model photo shoots onto my computer. I am taking a break for now but wow I love having them...
Everybody wants to be tiny and gorgeous.
Here are the Cycle 1, first photo shoot pictures.

If you would like to see more pictures from the show or the pictures here don't show up, please comment.
I'm sitting here binge eating because I can't handle my life right now. Still balancing at 140.
My family just dropped the bomb. They are moving to another state in the spring. I don't know whether to stay or go, but either way I feel fucked.
The only reason I am even staying with D right now is because it feels like he is my only hope for survival. If I dump him and move on, I have to go find a job and support myself and try and get my own apartment. This sucks. If I go with them and am able to see my family ever, I am also starting over with nowhere to go but stay with them. But if I stay here, I may not get to see my family ever, and if things don't work out with D, or if I outlast my stay at the apartment with H and them, I am fucked. I would be homeless and my mom would just say, I can't do anything about it, over the phone when I end up on the streets.
I hate my life. It really does seem pointless right now. There is no place that I feel okay.
D is just making mistake after mistake. Things like making things constantly sexual. Way to make me feel respected. And I can't even share my problems with him anymore because he makes it all about him. If I feel bad, he feels as if he should have done better and then he sits there and hates himself for just being the way he is. I hate it.
I feel seriously sick. I haven't felt well and healthy in probably years now. I can't handle life. I feel like crap...
I see I have more followers, welcome.
Just to make things clear, this isn't a super happy go lucky blog. It's just me being honest. I don't care for pretending to be happy 100% of the time, just so that others don't judge me.
I want to be so tiny by Christmas... I want to be tiny NOW.
My little sister is 14 and she is an inch taller than me now. She is under 125 naturally. I want to be skinnier even than that.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Scarlett Ana, I wrote this incredibly long embarrassing comment on your blog and then hit send, but of course I forgot that my computer is stupid and won't let me post comments still. So...
Welcome, and welcome to my other new followers that I don't recognize in my list as of today, which I think is AmericanEagleGlove. And , welcome back all the rest of you hopefully.
I am still terribly sorry that I have been gone for so long. I don't know why I wasn't posting, and I'm sorry I have not had the chance to comment on any of your blogs. I am considering just putting my comment in as a post when there is no other option.

So, I wanted to say thank you to Scarlett Ana. Really thanks. I appreciate that you read through my entire blog. That amazes me. I used to do it myself for other people but now I can't even remember what I am saying halfway through a sentence at times.
Anyways, I wanted to say thanks for the happy birthday too, even though you are right about that. It sucked. I've never really had a good birthday myself.
I am curious though. What motivated you to read my blog of all blogs, and then what motivated you to read the entire thing? I noticed that your blog looks fairly new, but your name is hauntingly familiar for some reason. I read all of your posts too.
I am curious to see exactly what you meant about us being very alike. Your true colors and what you are like will become clear through your posts over time. I am excited to see a new blogger around.
If you have read any of my more recent posts, I think it talks a little bit about what you mentioned.

"All the hard and difficult things in your life, I don't have. This makes me feel even worse, because I have no reason to be how I am. I just am."

Even if I didn't have these problems that I have, I would still feel as if I were unhappy for no reason. Sometimes on days when nothing is wrong, even if things go pretty alright I feel down and cannot explain why, which always made me angry at myself because I would just feel that everyone would see it as attention seeking, and then I told myself it was just attention seeking. But the thing is, because of my emotional problems, I will never have that same level of emotional normality that is so common and considered acceptable. Depression is really just unhappiness. Anxiety disorder is really just lots of worry and stress. Bipolar disorder, is really just having happy times and having unhappy times. ADHD is really just an overactive mind, a distracted mind. Doctor's have put names on everything to make them diseases, when really they are just different ways people express emotion, and because being sad too much, or being overly happy or any of these things are not perfect, they are not accepted as okay by society. What I mean to say, is that other people can believe these doctors and discriminate against you for not being like them, but maybe you should try and come to terms with it. You don't have to live by anyone else's standard of living. If we are to consider things like unhappiness to be labelled as "depression" and turned into a disease, that really has no cure, then we are dooming ourselves to an even sadder existence where we are constantly measuring ourselves up to everyone else, believing that we are handicapped and wishing we can be "normal". Sometimes, we will be unhappy for no reason, and we won't be able to explain it, but perhaps we should stop burdening ourselves with finding an answer and having a reason, and something to excuse who we are, and just content ourselves with finding a simple understanding. And the simple understanding is this. Sometimes we will be unhappy, but it will pass. If there was never a happy moment in our lives, we would not know how to be sad and unhappy and angry in the first place. There would be nothing to compare it to. Try and just make yourself comfortable and get by without the anchor to drag you down, which is just the obsessive thought that by being unhappy, you are doing something wrong, or something not normal and that it needs to change. You can't cure depression, you can only make it less detrimental, and learn how to live with it. There must be so many depressed people that drag themselves down with the obsession of being different.
"Why can't I be happy like they are?"
"Will I ever be happy?"
"When is this going to end?" But there are less hopeless things all around you. This goes for everybody who is depressed, unhappy, dissatisfied with life... anything. Sorry, that kind of sounds like preaching. It is my way of coming to terms with the ways I am different from everybody else.
I don't want to "get better", I just want to stop being judged, misunderstood, and I want to be accepted for the way I am. You can't just treat my unhappiness like a disease. I am unhappy in the same way you and everyone else becomes unhappy. Depression is not a disease, and should not be treated like a disease.
Medications muffle the issue, such as numbing the unhappiness, or changing chemicals in your body, but as soon as you are off of them, the same issue is still there, just as before. Why would you have to get off, you might ask? Suppose you have decided to have a child? You can't take these medications while pregnant. But then you have your issues to deal with alongside of the new responsibility  Personally, I do not want to have to face that issue. If I work on things by myself, instead of throwing a curtain over my issue, I can work through it until I come to a point where I am managing without the use of drugs, and so I can continue using these problem solving issues and it will not affect any unborn child, or any other major life event that comes my way. This is however, just my own belief for myself. Medications can be very good for a person in different cases. By the way, the comment on the amphetamines- just to clarify, that is my ADHD medication. I can't remember the other name for it and amphetamine is just what I always see on the bottle so I call it that. They are by prescription, and actually a side affect of them is that they lift my mood a lot and make me more enthusiastic about life, which is good for me right now because it is the colder months and I have severe, dangerous depression issues around now. I won't be taking them every winter, but my goal for right now is to make it through this winter better than I handled last winter, which means, I just need to not die lol.
I am learning ways to cope but the amphetamines help me to want to try and cope. And again, they are prescribed to me by a doctor to help with my ADHD.
I guess this is going to be a longish post...

Even when I can't or don't comment, please keep in mind Scarlett, and everyone else, I am a reader. I get on here all the time just to read and catch up and see how everyone is doing. I am the kind of reader who can read fast enough to get through the Harry Potter series in a few days, and I have.
I am always here. If anyone would like to contact me for any reason or get to know me better, by all means, leave an email address or any form of contact information in a comment. I don't publish personal information and I am on my email every day so I will be able to reply fairly quickly, depending on the day. Comments are set up to also come into my mailbox as an email, so I can read them from there. It's really no trouble at all.
Scarlett Ana, I apologize in advance if I misunderstood anything or if I said anything that you did not care for. I can take all of this down if you like. All you have to do is ask. :)
Have a good day everyone!