Monday, October 8, 2012

To Alice May, who seems to be my new follower- Welcome!
Thank you for commenting. I realize that everyone has bad days and busy days and sometimes other kinds of days, and can't always comment but it is exciting when you do.
This is a reply to your comment I guess.
D is not my boyfriend and he says he doesn't have a crush, he just meant he likes her as a friend. We will see how that goes. Maybe read back a little farther to get the whole story on him? Even just a few days back of posts might help.
Thank you by the way. I do feel pretty mature. Sometimes people assume I am immature because I can act quite like a child at times and I am a bit slow, but my intelligence doesn't really emerge during first impressions. When people really get to know me they are somewhat surprised I suppose. Some people still can't shake that first impression of me...
I get anxious or shy and my voice goes up like a child, and then I have a nervous giggle, or I just seem quiet and standoffish. I am also very clumsy and all that and more contributes to this immature first image people have of me.
I am actually glad that he is honest with me.
Maybe letting go for a bit to learn to smile and laugh about something would be good for you though. It can be hard to just be silly every once in a while but life must go on and all of that.

On an unrelated note, I think my eating disorder is becoming worse, or maybe just becoming a disorder. I mean, I am used to hearing about how one will try to resist food for a long period of time, or even just for the day and failing. I haven't heard of anyone quite like me though. I'm not sure what to think of it. Does it mean I have a different kind of eating disorder? Does it just mean I am different? Or does it mean I don't really have an eating disorder? I'm not sure.
I do know some things though. Like somehow I have come to the point that when everyone is around me having treats and things, I want them less. I used to just go for it and stuff my face.
I also realized that I don't really resist food, I just don't want it.
My appetite is less and less all the time. Somehow, I think maybe I successfully convinced myself that I am not hungry, or don't want to eat food. At some point in my head, a switch was flipped. Instead of craving food, I have a hard time coming up with enough appetite, or maybe energy? Motivation? To actually get food down. It's effortless.
One other thing I know, I am losing weight at an increasingly fast rate. It used to take months to get through a set of tens. For example, 160's and 170's. I was in the 150's for a while, but not as long as the examples I just used. And I just got into the 140's and I am already almost out of them. It's exhilarating, but also sort of scary. When I hit my goal weight, I'm not sure if I am going to be able to stop. In fact, I am pretty sure that I won't stop. And I'm not sure why I would want to... That is me talking backed by a positive attitude, so it isn't even panicked or depressed me talking. It's strange. I'm not sure what to think about all of this, except that I feel so close to my goal weight and yet I can't get there fast enough...
I'm going now. Stay safe all of you please!


  1. Well done for geting there.. I wish I could take some of your disinterest in food right now... <3 please take care of yourself <3 xx

  2. I wish I had your lack of interest in food. Hope you're okay darling, try not to get ill. Take care.