Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Sorry to worry everyone... I feel bad about being so mean about it all too. But I know it will happen again, so... sorry in advance?
I think I am tired of not having a secret. I told D about my eating issues a while ago. I am not skinny enough to make him worry. I have also been eating like a fat pig lately. My conclusion is a bit backwards haha...
I'm going to start smoking.
I once read this article a woman wrote, about how she only ever smoked one cigarette every once in a while, literally too little to have an addiction, but it was an addiction for her anyways. It was an addiction to keeping secrets. She kept it from her husband and kids who hated smoking.
I hear it's best to start out by buying Marlboro light and red. I wonder how much money that is...?
I just want to see what happens. I don't have the money for a habit like that anyways, so that should keep me in check just fine. I want to be in the 130's regularly now but I gained several pounds so I shocked myself into not eating for a while. Hopefully I will lose it again and be able to hit a new low weight. 140 is never appealing, and I am tired of D trying to pick me up and grunting because I weigh so much. He always makes me hold on around his neck for extra support. I want to be small enough that if I was asleep he could just pick me up, easy as pie, and carry me from place to place. Even ten pounds difference would be great.
I haven't taken my meds in days but I am about to take the amphetamines because they help me lose my appetite. You would think I would be addicted to them by now and stop -stopping taking them. But no...
I hate that I don't work. In a way it is a relief  especially knowing that D really will take care of me, but there are so many things I want and they cost money. For one, I think my cat is sick... and I can't even take her to the vet. I have no car, no driver's license, which my sister is about to get, and I have no money to pay for an appointment.
D still hasn't found a new job. He isn't even watching his money very well. It keeps me from feeling as if he really will take care of me. I can't feel safe.
I am nineteen now. It's not sinking in very well...
I am having trouble gathering my thoughts... I am also tired but I am nocturnal again and when he goes in for his lunch shift at around 11, I don't want to be asleep or exhausted so I am trying to correct my schedule even though, without anything to build a schedule around, it seems kind of pointless. But the amphetamines should wake me up a bit. They always do.
I hope everyone is safe and getting skinny like I am. Love you all.


  1. as far as i knw amphertamines can cause skin damage,i read somewhere that britney spears blames ths drug for her dull,lifeless skin..she used to take it during her low times..u knw even i gained in last 10 days..due to some reasons i wasn't exercising..i was not binging..but not restricting either..oily home cooked food..i knw how u must be feeling..to undo it urgently..about smoking thng..i was a kind of chain smoker myself(few years back)..nd then..my bf took promise from me that i will Not smoke..or he will leave me..:)..i knw its stupid..but i believed it..nd now i thnk it really helped me..my lips were getting dark due to strong puffings..take care of urself dear..luv u..<3

  2. Venus,

    I have just read your whole blog, even though it took me about a week, and I had to keep a bunch of other tabs open so that my husband wouldn't see.

    In so many ways, we are so very different. All the hard and difficult things in your life, I don't have. This makes me feel even worse, because I have no reason to be how I am. I just am.

    But in many ways, we are very the same, because so many of the things you have written, I could have written. Just not as well.

    And even though I know it wasn't very happy, and I know that birthdays are often horrible, and I have cried on every one since I was 12....

    Happy late birthday anyway.