Monday, October 8, 2012

So as I promised, I am posting a continuation of the last post about D wanting to get an apartment that allows pets and why.
I am at D's house right now. Let me catch everyone up to this point.
The day before yesterday I had both H and his sister K hounding me about food the way they do.
For H, it is making food and then having me eat parts of it. He had chicken ball things and would put it on a fork and offer it to me and when I said no thanks, he tried to get me to eat them anyways. It got to the point where I had to open my mouth because I couldn't lean any farther back and he would have gotten the sticky outside stuff on my face. They were super high calorie I know. I don't know the exact number. He would also do that thing where he would ask me if I was hungry and I would say no, but he wouldn't listen.
He would say, "I'm going to make you something anyways. What do you want?"
"I don't want anything," I would reply.
"Do you want a cheeseburger? Cereal? A sandwich?" These are just examples. I would repeat that I'm not hungry or something and that I ate.
He would ask me when I ate, and if I paused or he could easily disprove my answer, he would choose something from the list of things he knows I like and make it for me. It's usually something of his or something that takes an effort to make. I can't just refuse food then.
Then of course, K and her ever constant mothering.
"You aren't eating enough."
"Have you eaten already?"
"I have this special... (insert any number of things here, last time it was something chocolate) Do you want some?"
"You are always dehydrated. I'm going to pour you some juice and then you will drink it."
"When was the last time you ate?"
The list goes on. She can actually get very bossy and intimidating if I even stop sipping my drink for too long. I don't really mind K too much besides that controlling thing. I was actually just texting her. I enjoy her company.
So yesterday morning after all of that, I gained about two pounds. I was about 142 pounds I think. D took me to work yesterday morning. I worked 11:30am to 3pm, and then 4pm to 8. He just worked 11:30-3. But he got really sick and was puking so he went home early even then. During my break I texted D to make sure he was okay and apologize for being somewhat mean that morning. I felt really guilty. I didn't do anything SUPER mean though. I was just grumpy and rude, maybe because I was stressed out about the day before and my weight gain. I told D during my break about what K and H had been doing the day before. I told him how much my appetite goes away when they try and control my eating or even just have anything to do with my eating habits. After break, someone bought several bags of candy and even the nicer manager was snacking on the different kinds, and was coming to the front where I was doing very little (it was a kind of slow day) and telling everyone there was food in the back, asking, "Does anyone want some candy?"
It's a Sunday so the manager who I usually have a bit of trouble with wasn't there. She is known to never work on Sundays. But everyone kept asking me if I wanted some, and then asking me why when I politely turned it down.
I would say, "I'm not really hungry."
One girl replied, "So? I'm not hungry and I'm having some."
I tried saying I don't like candy or don't have an appetite. I hate the attention they gave me for just turning down a treat. If I didn't have any appetite before then, I really had none after that.
When I got off I had already missed the last bus though. I had not even thought about it, but on Sundays the buses don't run as late. D couldn't leave his place yet and so I walked the three and a half miles home. Then he picked me up and brought me back here. The main reason I wanted to come over was because I really did not want to face H and K again for fear that they would do the same thing again. I knew D wouldn't. And he didn't.
Yesterday, I had a 400+ calorie cheeseburger, a Reese's cup at about 110 calories, and I ate the last of the pepper jack cheese. I have no idea how many calories all that was. I had some sherbet ice cream in little containers, 80 calories each that I brought over, along with my candy stashes and some cream soda and my new water bottles. D got us both one last night and I was eating it so slow it was ridiculous  I just didn't want to have anything to eat at all. I had maybe a few very tiny bits and then gave him the rest.
He is learning where my boundaries are now. Last night was better. He knew even before I emailed him telling me how I felt about all of that stuff that happened last time I was here that something was wrong, even though I was having a hard time even being able to make out something was wrong to myself. My wall keeps others from seeing how I am feeling, but it also stops me from seeing how I am feeling. But somehow he knew, he felt it, and had gotten very angry and upset with himself.
This is becoming a long post... Sorry about that but I have a lot to say all on the same subject.
So I sent him this extremely long email and I ended up just spilling out every thought and wrote like... A novel. I wrote him two novels. No not really but it was really long. I wrote it on the morning of the fifth, three days ago. It make him feel really bad but for once I was at least honest with myself and someone else. I was brutally honest. I made myself resist just making excuses to make everything okay again, which was really hard but I ended it with a kind of... Nice resolve.
The main part of the email was saying how hurt and troubled I was by when he had crossed the line last time I was here. I explained that sometimes I have a hard time saying no, because I feel like it is something to feel guilty for when I withhold other people from doing something that will make them happy. I never realized I had that problem until now. Anyways, I felt a lot better after I wrote the email and I forgave him, because I know he really is suffering the guilt and I know he really does feel bad and I guess regrets what he did. I feel that he is strong enough to move forward from that and learn to do better. Then I talked a lot about how I am not a sexual person, and how even though I have lost my virginity  I greatly regret it, and I don't want to have sex again until I am married. I talked about how I miss my innocence, and how, the things that make me happiest have nothing to do with sexual things. I talked about how I want a cleaner essence of living, and perhaps the reason I am so sick and depressed all the time is because I chose such a high standard for living and for how I want myself to be, that in this dying, sick world with so little people with any values or morals, it makes it extremely hard to maintain such a state of being. Towards the end I offered him something though.
I told him, if he got those tickets he said he would get us for a concert near the end of November, and found something warm and green, but not necessarily matching to go with my red dress, I would consider that a date. I made sure to specify that it was old school dating. One date would not mean we were girlfriend/boyfriend, or that we were "going out". It would be a date. And my first official one. H has never actually taken me on date, and besides him, I have only ever gone on friend dates, which I don't really count seeing as it was only as friends and I had no feelings for the other person.
I told him, until then, I don't want him to call me beautiful. I don't want to take credit for my beauty. I have no control over how I look and I did not create me. I do not like compliments or praise for things I did not earn. They literally just mean nothing to me most of the time. I would rather have someone tell me I am a hard worker or that I am mature than that I am beautiful.
I also told him that until then, he isn't allowed to say he loves me. I don't want to be told something and have to doubt it. For me, actions speak louder than words. Words don't seem to speak at all. One can easily say they love someone, but to prove it again and again is something else entirely. If he treats me right, I should feel that he loves me. I told him he needed to start using actions instead of words.
I was very depressed when he hadn't taken the time to even say hello to me. He couldn't find the time to talk to me for a few days and I was really hurt. When you have been through so much like I have, the thing you fear most is using too much of your heart and getting invested. If you don't get invested, you don't get hurt. I guess that is why my heart is so closed off now. I am too afraid to put myself out there for fear of the same thing happening again and again. I expect the same things to happen again and again, and because I know that I can only close myself off to prevent getting hurt when it does happen. This time I wasn't even ready for it. Having those few days feeling so alone...
It will happen again though. D will have to work several days in a row, or something else will happen... But it was such a deviating blow that was so unexpected, I guess it surprised me. One day I had a best friend who I could go to for anything and talk about my feelings and problems with, someone to keep me from feeling alone and then all of a sudden it was just gone.
Anyways. I think I got off track there.
I am really happy today. I came over here and we spent some time just talking and then we slept. I only got in a few hours but he was more aware of me and I was burning up all night for some reason but I was okay in the morning. He went to work, I allowed myself to stay another day by not going with him, and he just got back a few hours ago. I found his stash of Disney movies and it lightened my mood considerably too. I took my meds, ate some, but it was a safe amount. I feel like, being here, I will lose weight easily. He does not force me to eat anything. He worries, but as long as I eat one or two things every day I think he is more okay with it. I do that anyways so I'm not worried either.
But he has the whole basement to himself and a lot of nice things around so I can be comfortable. I like one of his chairs a lot. It has a rounded back and I just curl up in it.
To sum this all up, I am having a pretty good day. No anxieties. I am on a little vacation from life. He makes me feel very welcome and I can have things my way, whichever way makes me most comfortable. I would even go as far as to say that today I am happy. Smile everyone! :)

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you're happy today darling.
    I hope you're okay and you have an amazing first date. It's rare that guys still take girls on proper dates, that's so sweet.
    Take care.