Wednesday, October 3, 2012

I'm feeling depressed again. I need to go to bed soon...
D... he doesn't seem to mind that I seem to have an eating disorder. He even encourages it. It's disappointing to say the least. It makes me never want to eat again, which is why I have not eaten since before I took that nap from around noon to 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I weighed myself later on and it seems I have hit a new low weight. 143.5 pounds. I am not impressed. I need to be below 140 now. I need to be just bones. I need to make this a reality for not just him but myself. If he wants to see me skinny, he can watch me suffer when I get down that low. He can watch me get consumed by my own thoughts and emotions and bits of me disappear like I'm losing my soul.
He can congratulate me when I hit my goal weight, but I want to see the horror on his face when I keep going. He says he loves me but... If he really loved me, he wouldn't encourage the disordered eating. He knows how rough it can be. He just lets me destroy myself...
No one can watch someone with an eating disorder that they love and just encourage their goals while ignoring the bad stuff. Could you do it?
I was over at his house last night. I just stayed the night.
I feel very off now. I let him do things that I am blaming myself for agreeing to. I didn't even agree. I literally just didn't have the energy to say no. But I could have. Would it really have been too hard to just say stop?
It's like I am trying to create moments that I can torture myself with. I'm horrified with myself to be honest. I feel disgusting. Degraded. But I don't blame him for that. He did respect me enough to not kiss my lips or go below the belt. Somehow the only thing I can blame him for is not waking up to comfort me after having nightmares.
I woke up and knew I had made noises. I always do when I dream like that. But he just slept through it. I just sat there, too tired to cry next to him, and watched the morning light starting to come through the window. I got cold but I wanted to suffer so I didn't go to pull the blanket up around me. I just sat there and rocked myself while shivering. I must have waited an hour or two for him to wake up. I felt like my heart was screaming so hard on the inside that somehow he would feel it and wake up. I could feel myself pleading in my head. But even though he was right there next to me the whole time, I just felt alone.
I ended up grabbing my sweatshirt and going to sit in the chair in his computer room with my mp3 player on and the volume painfully high in my ears. Nothing helped. Nothing.
He eventually woke up and found me. He carried me back into the room after asking if it was okay first. I let him so that I could watch him wrestle with his strength to try and pick me up. If I wasn't so fat he could have done it easily. I just felt like I needed to prove to myself with someone else as witness how incredibly awful it is to be so huge. It did make me feel worse, but that was the idea I guess.
Soon I will be out of this apartment. It still doesn't seem real.
I want to be so skinny that my period stops. Then I will really be considered anorexic. I don't want to be a woman, I want to be a child. Then no one can touch me or hurt me, and I can be protected.
Right now I am too strong to need protection. I need to be fragile.
My little sister is going to get her license before me. I am not going to learn to drive before her. How humiliating. I feel ashamed. She's doing driver's ed this fall. D could teach me, but the idea of learning how to drive makes me so anxious I could literally puke right now.
I'm so tired...
I hate this.
I don't want it to be worth it any more.
I don't want any reason to fight.
Goodnight everyone, or for some of you, good morning.

1 comment:

  1. Darling. I wish I could hug you right now.
    I know how you feel, I know what it's like to want to be ill enough to need protection. It gets so tiring trying to be strong all the time. But please don't give up completely.
    You are such a wonderful, amazing, sweet, kind person.
    I wish there was something I could do to show you jut how precious you are to me.
    Please stay strong and keep fighting, don't let anything D says or does bring you down.
    Take care.

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