I just want to be skinny.
I was watching a documentary that followed a few girls in a rehab facility for people with eating disorders, and the girl I associated with myself the most ended up being the one who in the end, made the least progress and left and lost it all again. The one who could not be helped. I find it scary and yet invigorating. I can't get it out of my head.
These are just links to a certain part of it. Skip to the end of the first one to see what is going on, and it continues on in the second video. It's shockingly painful but feels so true.
I don't want help, and I don't care to live really or I wouldn't be doing this. It sucks but that is the truth of it.
I don't care if I can't stop and keep going until I waste away to nothing. It sounds more honest than saying I just want to be thin anyways. It's an obsession that I use to cope with my issues, and I use it to feel like I am in control of even just one part of my life. I fucked that up today though.