Friday, October 12, 2012

I can't go to bed. I need any release just to feel that I am not dying. I am terrified to go to bed and just let it go. I ate so much. I worked so hard to get where I am, and it's all wasted because of one day of stuffing my face. I am so tired of having to hope. With my mental issues, if I tried to get a full time job I would break down and it would never work. I KNOW this. I am not just saying never because I am trying to be dramatic. How am I ever supposed to get out without anyone else's help? How am I ever supposed to have independence? I'm not. This is pure torture.
I don't need encouragement or support. I don't want any.
I am writing this all for me this time. I just... Don't know what to do. I am dying on the inside from the fear of tomorrow, the fear of the next day, the fear of talking to someone. I am afraid to talk to anyone.
My mom is adopting a new baby boy this week and it feels so wrong to me. I am not sure how to accept this. I am hurt that she would not cosign the application for the apartment or let my dad do it because they don't want to jeopardize their credit score. She told me my dad was getting a promotion and would be able to afford it, if for any reason one of us lost our job and couldn't pay rent. Then I called her again, yesterday I guess, and she said she had talked about it with my dad, and she just said that even with his promotion they would not be able to pay rent for us if one of us lost our jobs. I asked if she trusted me and she said trust wasn't the issue, and that we couldn't control losing a job anyways, so trusting us didn't matter. The thing is, she is adopting some stranger's baby and paying thousands on it, and my dad makes AT LEAST $60,000 a year, but they can't afford to pay nothing but just sign a paper for me to escape from my Hell. It kills me that my mom can just act like that. I do not feel like she portrays the real love of a mother for her first daughter, or for a daughter at all. I don't want to talk to her, I am so hurt. I am tired of all of it. D's parents won't co-sign either.
This is not going to happen. I am stuck in those apartments with my ex and his family. I am fucked. I do not want to have another winter like last one and they are constantly getting worse and worse as years go by. I can't do last year again. If I try to kill myself, I will either succeed or suffer. I will not tell anyone what I am doing this time so I can't be taken to the ER and made to puke up meds that never would have any affect on me anyways. How humiliating. The entire thing was humiliating. I cannot stand the look on a nurse's face as she tells me it would never have worked, or asked me why I would do a stupid thing like that. I seriously want to die and they treat me like a little child who wants attention from mommy and daddy. I hate the shame of failing to kill yourself. It is the worst feeling in the world. If you are depressed enough to REALLY want to die, you can't be pathetic enough to fail at it. I can still remember their looks from back at the beginning of the year when it happened...
I am so tired of my mom though. I am tired of that whole family that is related by blood to me. It makes me so sick to my stomach. She has no feelings but for herself. Now that she has a new baby in her life to coddle and get attention from, now that she can feel young again because she has a newborn child, even the youngest of my blood siblings will get pushed aside. I hate my life. I hate their lives for them. I hate the fact that money comes before anything else. It doesn't matter if I need help, if I am dying on the inside and starving on the outside. That becomes my fault. I chose to do it to myself. Because I can choose to make my own choices, any mistake I make or way I think, any incorrect aspect of my life becomes my own fault. She can only be held responsible for the good parts of me I guess, but I am dying because she will not even take credit for those. I do not exist to her anymore. I never really did, but now, out of sight, out of mind. The only time she has called in months was to tell me that she had a new baby to dote on. For some reason becoming an adult meant that I had to learn and grow and be supported fully by myself. I get NOTHING from her. She can't give it.
I told D I would not cut tonight. I'm not sure I can hold to it but I am afraid that he will be angry with me. He said he would be. My only vice, one that he likes and one that he himself has experienced, is blocked off to me for the chance that the one person who treats me like I matter, will get angry at me.
DOES ANYONE ELSE KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO DIE ON THE INSIDE EVERY DAY??? I know I am not the only one, but I am more than dying. I am going down fast. I CAN'T gain. I CAN'T get fat. I CAN'T do life anymore.
I don't want to do this anymore... I am going to try and sleep but I know that my dreams will be haunted. I am terrified of tomorrow. I wonder if I will be able to even get out of bed...
I have no reason to live. D is becoming a stress instead of a vacation. He has passed into another area of people in my head, and the place he left is empty. I really have no reason to live, and what reasons anyone can find for me seem worthless to me. This outweighs it all. Please don't tell me how worried you are. As soon as I take my meds and post next I will make this sound like an episode anyways. I just wanted, needed, to express my feelings of helplessness and pain for no other reason than to delay going to bed. Goodnight.

1 comment:

  1. Love you darling.
    I care about you, and I would be devastated if anything happened to you.
    I really hope you're okay, please take care.