Saturday, October 13, 2012

I ate too much today, but I am less devastated than yesterday.
I won't make excuses for last night.
Every time I am like that, it is because I am feeling trapped.
I die on the inside when hope of leaving, leaves me.
I may not be moving out this month, or this year, but I feel that D will get me out. And when I let myself dream I get life put back in me. With D, I can dream.
I watched August Rush today. I wanted to play music again so badly that I started to cry.
I am still at D's for some strange reason. His parents somehow agreed to another night. I am a little less anxious because I have a little space from him, but not any less confused. I can pace the living room if I like.
He has gone to bed early to be up to go to work very early. He gets to open.
Just talking and imagining the possibilities of my life with him has really opened me up. As it is said in August Rush, I feel like I have been dead all these years, and now suddenly I am alive again. I am waking up from a long, deep slumber.
If I have to, I will be able to survive that apartment for the winter. At least now I have someone to dream with. I want to have animals of all kinds. I want trinkets and objects, art supplies and to draw. I want to write. I want to sing. I want to play music. I want to have my things and my clothes. I want to have my own room, and a clean place to be in. I want a home. When I believe that I will have these things, I become alive. I am so filled with life sometimes. But when hope fails me and dreams seem empty, I have nothing to live for. These things are what I want to live for. For once in my life I feel like I want to create instead of destroy.
Beyond all of this, I am dreaming of things I would like to do. I would love to have a bakery where I can create all manner of tasty things to eat. I would love to help people and take care of animals. I don't know what direction life will take me, but fantasizing of a far future like this is very unlike me. I think it is the medication...
But anyways. As I said, I ate way too much today. I am sure I have had over 2000 calories at least, if not 2 times that. I will gain. But I cannot weigh myself here. I need to lose weight badly. Even if I am feeling some life, I hate having food in me. Even feeling somewhat happy, I need to be tiny. I have lost my appetite though and my binge food of kit-kats are running out. I have maybe two left. I will be able to eat very little tomorrow hopefully, because I am sick of eating. It feels better to starve. It makes everything better. I am itching to be tiny like nothing else...
I don't know what I got on here to say. perhaps just writing was the feeling I needed to pursue. I don't know.
I just want to be skinny. I want the fail-safe feeling of losing a lot at a time. It makes me feel that I can reach my goal of being underweight, so that I am easily able to just let go of life if I need to. Then I am in fate's hands.
Then, I won't have to try something drastic like taking pills or anything super dangerous that would put me in the hospital and be scary and painful, I could just slip away. I have no such delusion that it will feel good or be painless, but this is my dream anyways.

2 comments:

  1. i like it when you dream about the future.. i want you to do all those things, write, dream, sing, play music, have all manner of pets and to have all the trinkets your heart desires..

    i wish you could get there <3 xx

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  2. thanx for ur comment dear..even i m a big time dreamer..i m really waiting for the day when i'l be having my own room,totally separate..nd then i'l decorate it in d way i want to..or ..maybe i'l keep it plain nd clean cut..i dream a lot..its good, i thnk..much better thn feeling super low all the time..

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