Thursday, October 4, 2012

D went to see another girl today. A friend he says. He says he doesn't even show up on her radar and that he does have a crush on her. But he says that the crush is a completely different thing from his love for me. I was a little sad earlier when he said he was with another girl but not really. It went away as soon as it came. I don't mind that he was with her I guess. It's good that they got back in contact with her too. Friends are good to have.
I have taken my medication but I am still feeling pretty depressed. It isn't panic attack depressed and it isn't destructive depressed, just a general low of energy where I don't feel like talking to people, but I am anyways. I am feeling tired of everything I guess. I'm not sure what it is. Loneliness maybe? It's something like that feeling of when I was sitting next to D and I was just in pain in my heart and didn't know why or what to do about it. It didn't have to do with him I don't think.
I think... I am feeling somewhat abused. Everything is just haunting and things feel off.
Anyways.
I had a thought today.
All those times H damaged me by telling me I was immature and needed to grow up? I have seen other people, girls especially at work who are 18 like me, and there is such an incredible gap between us... All that stuff he would say that would stay with me and pull me down has kind of been washed away.
My body may be 18 but I think my mind and heart are a little older. Do I seem 18 to you?
I am actually glad I am not like them though. The first word that comes to mind to describe them is superficial and I'm not sure exactly where to go after that. I have been through so much but I'm not sure if it's even just that...
By the way I don't think I will be eating the rest of the night but that could very well change.
I don't think I would ever be comfortable being happy anyways. All my life I have gotten used to depression and I like it in a way. But I am not sure why I am feeling so off...

2 comments:

  1. I wish I could hug you.
    You do seem older than 18, you've been through a lot, so much.
    I wish I could do something to help you and make you feel better.
    Take care.

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  2. I agree, you seem a lot older than 18, and the lovely bones is right, going through a lot makes us older.
    I am 19 but have been looking after myself since I was 16,and my bf said to me yesterday "Why can't you act like other girls your age?" as in immature and bubbly etc. That just hurt so much, because when we need to look after ourselves, and when these ED's suck the joy out of life, we can't go back to being like those girls, me at least.
    You are so mature though, I would be really angry if my bf was going out with another girl. At least you know D is honest admitting that he has a crush on her, it's better than just totally denying everything, because then you never trust them.

    Take care dear <3
    Alice xx

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