Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Sorry to worry everyone... I feel bad about being so mean about it all too. But I know it will happen again, so... sorry in advance?
I think I am tired of not having a secret. I told D about my eating issues a while ago. I am not skinny enough to make him worry. I have also been eating like a fat pig lately. My conclusion is a bit backwards haha...
I'm going to start smoking.
I once read this article a woman wrote, about how she only ever smoked one cigarette every once in a while, literally too little to have an addiction, but it was an addiction for her anyways. It was an addiction to keeping secrets. She kept it from her husband and kids who hated smoking.
I hear it's best to start out by buying Marlboro light and red. I wonder how much money that is...?
I just want to see what happens. I don't have the money for a habit like that anyways, so that should keep me in check just fine. I want to be in the 130's regularly now but I gained several pounds so I shocked myself into not eating for a while. Hopefully I will lose it again and be able to hit a new low weight. 140 is never appealing, and I am tired of D trying to pick me up and grunting because I weigh so much. He always makes me hold on around his neck for extra support. I want to be small enough that if I was asleep he could just pick me up, easy as pie, and carry me from place to place. Even ten pounds difference would be great.
I haven't taken my meds in days but I am about to take the amphetamines because they help me lose my appetite. You would think I would be addicted to them by now and stop -stopping taking them. But no...
I hate that I don't work. In a way it is a relief  especially knowing that D really will take care of me, but there are so many things I want and they cost money. For one, I think my cat is sick... and I can't even take her to the vet. I have no car, no driver's license, which my sister is about to get, and I have no money to pay for an appointment.
D still hasn't found a new job. He isn't even watching his money very well. It keeps me from feeling as if he really will take care of me. I can't feel safe.
I am nineteen now. It's not sinking in very well...
I am having trouble gathering my thoughts... I am also tired but I am nocturnal again and when he goes in for his lunch shift at around 11, I don't want to be asleep or exhausted so I am trying to correct my schedule even though, without anything to build a schedule around, it seems kind of pointless. But the amphetamines should wake me up a bit. They always do.
I hope everyone is safe and getting skinny like I am. Love you all.

Monday, October 29, 2012

I lost my job.
My birthday has passed and I am still in the same Hell hole place.
I am not happier.
I am not even eating fine. I have been binge eating several thousand calories per day, and yet I am losing weight. My head spins and makes me nauseous in the dark. I am always freezing or burning up. My period came two weeks early. I stopped taking any meds. I don't work so I don't need them. I have stopped feeling most emotion. I have started dating D. I do not love him.
Sometimes my heart beats so hard that it jars my body with each beat, and sometimes you can't even feel my pulse. My anxiety attacks have been internalized, to the point where I can be terrified on the inside, and on the outside I can't even say a word. I don't want to talk to people. The idea of talking to people makes me want to kill myself. Literally.
I eat too much, and spend too much money on pointless things.
After eating too much I think endlessly about making myself puke it up but then D would get more worried. He passed out at work the other day and was driven to the ER. The doctor could only assume it was from stress and released him after a few hours. That was the day I didn't wake up for 24 hours. Nearing the end of that time period, I didn't even wake up when I was texted or called, even though the phone was right next to my ear. I was so shut down and anxious, my body did not even wake up.
I am regularly in the high 130's now, but I also get to 140-143 often. Usually just a pound over the 140 mark though.
I have been having sleeping issues. I once stayed awake for four days. Somewhere around the second or third day I tried to sleep. I napped for maybe 2 or 3 hours, woke up, and was then wide awake again.
I am sick of life.
I just want everyone to let me die.
I hate it here with D, I hate it there at the apartment, I hate my parent's house. I am just jumping from one stressful place to another. I feel as if I am just dying on the inside. There is no safe place. I would rather not exist at all.
The days seem endless, the nights longer.
I understand what I am doing wrong and how I can correct it, but I just don't want to put in the effort. To me, it is still hard to find a reason to keep going on. I am trapped in this miserable existence and I just want it to end. The rain may be blocked out by the structure of the house, but to me, I am always raining on the inside. The blood that manages to drip through my dehydrated veins is painful. I am in physical and emotional pain. I cannot do this anymore. It's hopeless and no one has the power to help me, not even myself. Where am I going to find shelter in this rain of my own making? I won't.
I choose to throw away this life of mine that everyone else loves and sees purpose in. Fine, I am ungrateful. I am disgusting. I am a sinner. Throw stones at my soul for deciding to throw it away, I don't care. I am already broken. If you were to attack who I am, I would just gratefully accept it. It has been so long since anyone told me directly what I am and what they think of me. I would accept it like a beggar in the dessert would accept a small loaf of bread and a glass of water.
I am dying. I am starting to wonder if even my body is starting to go along with my mind. My heart just wants to give up. On most days, my heart literally feels like it is tired. My chest literally feels tight and sinking, like my heart is working too hard to keep on going. I want to start purging just out of morbid curiosity because I know how much purging affects your heart. I want my heart to just give up too. I want it to stop.
I can feel the pain that I would give everyone else when I die. I am savoring that pain. I hope, to them, it is nothing worse painful than what I am experiencing every day now. I can't do it. I really can't.
I just want to bleed. Last time I was here I took the pair of scissors on the desk and just sliced open my arm over and over and over again. I didn't go deep. This time I want to. I want to slice open my face, and cut through the corner of my eye and through my cheek bone, and sever my sinuses and expose the muscle in my jaw, and the inside of my mouth through my lip. I want to gouge out that little sink spot at the base of my throat. I want to slash at the bits in my neck. I want to go at my wrist and just see how deep I can go. I want to see a pulse. I want to hurt. I want to maim. What good are these hands if the only thing they can do is draw and write and create things that express my pain. They do not get me out of here. They will not earn me money or give me a job. They are worthless. I am worthless.
I don't want to live in this world anymore, or any other. I want to be dead. My body is just a cage for my soul, even if I would destroy my soul by trying to help it escape and be free, I can die trying.
I am tired of religious people and their views on depression and suicide, and life after death.
I am sick of those who love me and all of their views. I DON'T CARE RIGHT NOW.
And any blogger who would comment on this, it would just be wasted words. Everyone knows that bloggers can't be good friends, which is why not a single one of us is missed when we are gone. I dare anyone to look back and realize how long it has been since I last posted. I already know.
I don't want to do this anymore...

Sunday, October 14, 2012

I "forgot" the amphetamines for my ADHD for a few days because I didn't want to be happy. Got back from D's and just crashed. I slept for 12 hours before even leaving and then I slept for another 12 when I got back here. Then I had a snack and watched a horrible movie that creeped me out anyways after waking up from a bad dream, and promptly went back to bed for another 12 hours.
I don't want to talk to anyone. I have to work tomorrow. I am so fat...
Nearly 144 pounds. How disgusting. I can't do this anymore... maybe I will just go back to bed.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

I ate too much today, but I am less devastated than yesterday.
I won't make excuses for last night.
Every time I am like that, it is because I am feeling trapped.
I die on the inside when hope of leaving, leaves me.
I may not be moving out this month, or this year, but I feel that D will get me out. And when I let myself dream I get life put back in me. With D, I can dream.
I watched August Rush today. I wanted to play music again so badly that I started to cry.
I am still at D's for some strange reason. His parents somehow agreed to another night. I am a little less anxious because I have a little space from him, but not any less confused. I can pace the living room if I like.
He has gone to bed early to be up to go to work very early. He gets to open.
Just talking and imagining the possibilities of my life with him has really opened me up. As it is said in August Rush, I feel like I have been dead all these years, and now suddenly I am alive again. I am waking up from a long, deep slumber.
If I have to, I will be able to survive that apartment for the winter. At least now I have someone to dream with. I want to have animals of all kinds. I want trinkets and objects, art supplies and to draw. I want to write. I want to sing. I want to play music. I want to have my things and my clothes. I want to have my own room, and a clean place to be in. I want a home. When I believe that I will have these things, I become alive. I am so filled with life sometimes. But when hope fails me and dreams seem empty, I have nothing to live for. These things are what I want to live for. For once in my life I feel like I want to create instead of destroy.
Beyond all of this, I am dreaming of things I would like to do. I would love to have a bakery where I can create all manner of tasty things to eat. I would love to help people and take care of animals. I don't know what direction life will take me, but fantasizing of a far future like this is very unlike me. I think it is the medication...
But anyways. As I said, I ate way too much today. I am sure I have had over 2000 calories at least, if not 2 times that. I will gain. But I cannot weigh myself here. I need to lose weight badly. Even if I am feeling some life, I hate having food in me. Even feeling somewhat happy, I need to be tiny. I have lost my appetite though and my binge food of kit-kats are running out. I have maybe two left. I will be able to eat very little tomorrow hopefully, because I am sick of eating. It feels better to starve. It makes everything better. I am itching to be tiny like nothing else...
I don't know what I got on here to say. perhaps just writing was the feeling I needed to pursue. I don't know.
I just want to be skinny. I want the fail-safe feeling of losing a lot at a time. It makes me feel that I can reach my goal of being underweight, so that I am easily able to just let go of life if I need to. Then I am in fate's hands.
Then, I won't have to try something drastic like taking pills or anything super dangerous that would put me in the hospital and be scary and painful, I could just slip away. I have no such delusion that it will feel good or be painless, but this is my dream anyways.

Just A Little Bird

I may just be
A little bird
But I need life
And I need hope

Put me in a cage
And I will sing
But my voice will die
And I will bleed

I'll sit there
Perched, upon a bar
Not a rose
Not a flower
Surrounded by metal
Mined from rocks
When what I want
Are less sticks and stones

If I could dream
I'd tell stories
But I just chirp a tune
That you can't understand

You can't feel me
Or hear my words
Your touch is less
And less each day
Interest fades
And then I am just a bird
A little bird
In a cage

I used to live
And then I was put in a cage.
I used to sing,
And then my voice died.
I tried to dream,
But soon I could not sleep.
I used to breathe,
But now I gasp.
I want out.
I want out of this cage.

A cat comes out
To play one day
Fear is there
But escape may be

And suddenly I live
Live for the thrill
To escape
While being chased

My time is running out
I'm running away
But then the cat
Is late one day
And those dreams,
Those dreams,
They fade away.

But a taste is a taste
So I still dream
I dream these dreams
Of life and hope

Colors bright
And creatures bold
The future light
The dreams get old

I hope
To be crushed
I live
To be dying
I sing
To be ignored
I care
To be neglected
I am free
To be caged.

Oh, this cage of mine.
Someday, someday
I will fly away
And be free.

Friday, October 12, 2012

I can't go to bed. I need any release just to feel that I am not dying. I am terrified to go to bed and just let it go. I ate so much. I worked so hard to get where I am, and it's all wasted because of one day of stuffing my face. I am so tired of having to hope. With my mental issues, if I tried to get a full time job I would break down and it would never work. I KNOW this. I am not just saying never because I am trying to be dramatic. How am I ever supposed to get out without anyone else's help? How am I ever supposed to have independence? I'm not. This is pure torture.
I don't need encouragement or support. I don't want any.
I am writing this all for me this time. I just... Don't know what to do. I am dying on the inside from the fear of tomorrow, the fear of the next day, the fear of talking to someone. I am afraid to talk to anyone.
My mom is adopting a new baby boy this week and it feels so wrong to me. I am not sure how to accept this. I am hurt that she would not cosign the application for the apartment or let my dad do it because they don't want to jeopardize their credit score. She told me my dad was getting a promotion and would be able to afford it, if for any reason one of us lost our job and couldn't pay rent. Then I called her again, yesterday I guess, and she said she had talked about it with my dad, and she just said that even with his promotion they would not be able to pay rent for us if one of us lost our jobs. I asked if she trusted me and she said trust wasn't the issue, and that we couldn't control losing a job anyways, so trusting us didn't matter. The thing is, she is adopting some stranger's baby and paying thousands on it, and my dad makes AT LEAST $60,000 a year, but they can't afford to pay nothing but just sign a paper for me to escape from my Hell. It kills me that my mom can just act like that. I do not feel like she portrays the real love of a mother for her first daughter, or for a daughter at all. I don't want to talk to her, I am so hurt. I am tired of all of it. D's parents won't co-sign either.
This is not going to happen. I am stuck in those apartments with my ex and his family. I am fucked. I do not want to have another winter like last one and they are constantly getting worse and worse as years go by. I can't do last year again. If I try to kill myself, I will either succeed or suffer. I will not tell anyone what I am doing this time so I can't be taken to the ER and made to puke up meds that never would have any affect on me anyways. How humiliating. The entire thing was humiliating. I cannot stand the look on a nurse's face as she tells me it would never have worked, or asked me why I would do a stupid thing like that. I seriously want to die and they treat me like a little child who wants attention from mommy and daddy. I hate the shame of failing to kill yourself. It is the worst feeling in the world. If you are depressed enough to REALLY want to die, you can't be pathetic enough to fail at it. I can still remember their looks from back at the beginning of the year when it happened...
I am so tired of my mom though. I am tired of that whole family that is related by blood to me. It makes me so sick to my stomach. She has no feelings but for herself. Now that she has a new baby in her life to coddle and get attention from, now that she can feel young again because she has a newborn child, even the youngest of my blood siblings will get pushed aside. I hate my life. I hate their lives for them. I hate the fact that money comes before anything else. It doesn't matter if I need help, if I am dying on the inside and starving on the outside. That becomes my fault. I chose to do it to myself. Because I can choose to make my own choices, any mistake I make or way I think, any incorrect aspect of my life becomes my own fault. She can only be held responsible for the good parts of me I guess, but I am dying because she will not even take credit for those. I do not exist to her anymore. I never really did, but now, out of sight, out of mind. The only time she has called in months was to tell me that she had a new baby to dote on. For some reason becoming an adult meant that I had to learn and grow and be supported fully by myself. I get NOTHING from her. She can't give it.
I told D I would not cut tonight. I'm not sure I can hold to it but I am afraid that he will be angry with me. He said he would be. My only vice, one that he likes and one that he himself has experienced, is blocked off to me for the chance that the one person who treats me like I matter, will get angry at me.
DOES ANYONE ELSE KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO DIE ON THE INSIDE EVERY DAY??? I know I am not the only one, but I am more than dying. I am going down fast. I CAN'T gain. I CAN'T get fat. I CAN'T do life anymore.
I don't want to do this anymore... I am going to try and sleep but I know that my dreams will be haunted. I am terrified of tomorrow. I wonder if I will be able to even get out of bed...
I have no reason to live. D is becoming a stress instead of a vacation. He has passed into another area of people in my head, and the place he left is empty. I really have no reason to live, and what reasons anyone can find for me seem worthless to me. This outweighs it all. Please don't tell me how worried you are. As soon as I take my meds and post next I will make this sound like an episode anyways. I just wanted, needed, to express my feelings of helplessness and pain for no other reason than to delay going to bed. Goodnight.
I just want to be skinny.
I was watching a documentary that followed a few girls in a rehab facility for people with eating disorders, and the girl I associated with myself the most ended up being the one who in the end, made the least progress and left and lost it all again. The one who could not be helped. I find it scary and yet invigorating. I can't get it out of my head.

These are just links to a certain part of it. Skip to the end of the first one to see what is going on, and it continues on in the second video. It's shockingly painful but feels so true.

I don't want help, and I don't care to live really or I wouldn't be doing this. It sucks but that is the truth of it.
I don't care if I can't stop and keep going until I waste away to nothing. It sounds more honest than saying I just want to be thin anyways. It's an obsession that I use to cope with my issues, and I use it to feel like I am in control of even just one part of my life. I fucked that up today though.
I am posting right now because I feel very, very, very off.
I don't think I am going to be able to get into an apartment this year at all. D keeps reassuring me but it just never gets through. No one will co-sign for us. We only make about 1 and 1/2 of the rent for this perfect place that allows pets and is close enough to work and has a special offer of $200 deposit + $99 first month rent.
I hate my life.
I am at D's again, although I don't know why really. I'm not sure I really want to be here, but I don't want to be there either so I am in constant limbo. It just feels like I am escaping back and forth between several places that are both uncomfortable and scary.
I am getting more and more convinced towards D, but I wonder if I am just settling. Is it his gentle hands I am really feeling on my head? I wonder if I imagine it to be H's. I wonder if I am just shifting my emotional dependence to another person. Maybe I am just shifting my affections onto someone new. I feel like maybe, I can't feel secure without a guy and that is a problem. With no one to direct all my attentions to, I think I would be able to heal. Without someone to pick up the slack and be there for me all the time, I could learn self respect and independence. I am scared and tired.
I ate way too much today. I can't even count the number of calories I must have had. I had an enormous sandwich earlier after my meds and a cream soda. Then I have had kit-kats all day long. 70 calories each I believe, but I had way too many. I know that the cheeses I piled onto that sandwich were like, 70 to 80+ calories each and I had baby swiss, cheddar, pepper jack, pepper cheese, and a few other kinds. I had at least two of each, for some of them even more. I put mayo on it because there was no mustard, and then piled on lots of slices of chicken and pepperoni. The bread itself was at least 100+ calories per slice, which I had two of.
Then the kit-kats.
I was lucky enough to only be 141 point something this morning, without sleep. And even though I was dead exhausted this morning from not sleeping, I am so tightly wired that I can't sleep. I am wide awake, full of energy. I'm sitting down and my leg is doing that jumping thing that a lot of people do when they have ADHD- just subconsciously trying to rid the body of so much energy I guess.
D is waiting for me in the bed but I don't want to go.
I don't know what is going on with me anymore.
I had at least ten kit-kats. That is 700 calories. Add in a few more, the apple juice and the cream soda that I never count, the reeses that I knew I was snacking on before the sandwich, 110 each... The sandwich...
The sandwich must have been at least 1,000 calories on it's own...
I am so torn apart. I didn't even eat dinner. I just snacked all day long and now I am basically panicking, wondering if there is any possible way to burn it off before going to bed, but I know he will be waiting for me and if he hears me pacing his living room he will come and find me. Even if he falls asleep he will wake up later on and look for me. It's pointless. The walking would barely burn a few hundred at 2-3 hours anyways.
The math in all of this is killing me. I have been doing so terribly lately, but never this terrible. I am going to gain at least two pounds by tomorrow. I already know it. And I am trapped.
I'm not manic depressed or panicked about life, or going to do anything drastic but I wish desperately that I had the strength to do so.
My life is going nowhere. I am failing at getting to my goal. I am still a whole fucking 141+ pounds. I am running out of time. I need to be tiny. I need to be one last breath away from dying. I need to scare people, and yet I just want to be left alone. This life is horrible and it just keeps going. Nothing can make it stop. Nothing. Even if I did move out, there is nothing for me out there. I will always be depressed. Medications and psychologists can't cure this thing I have. I am tired of people telling me how much they want me to get better from an illness that cannot really be cured. There is no cure for depression, anxiety, eating disorders...
I cut today. I found the knife I had with teeth and I tore through my leg. The worst part is that D enjoyed watching it. I don't mind because it was exciting for me. I like to cut. It's dark and unhealthy but the cutting is nice. He wanted to see so I smiled, put my foot on the bed and just slashed it once against the side of my leg. The blood dripped very quickly down my leg into a mess. He helped me clean it up a little but he wanted to taste the blood. I don't feel that it's wrong either. I mean, more than anything I just wish that some shock would register on his face when I inflict a physical wound on myself, and that he would care enough to be concerned or at least tell me to stop. But he didn't. It was the same thing when I was talking about my eating disorder. He was excited about it, and I would even go as far as to say, he found it attractive, but when I told him that I was disappointed that he didn't care about it, he corrected all of that.
He said when he thought I was going to far he would say something. Wow. Encourage me to hold on to something that can kill me, until it is too late. Then what could he possibly say that would make me recover? He said he would pick me up and carry me to a hospital if he had to, and I asked for warning first. If it gets to that I am running. I am hitting the streets.
I have no dreams right now though except for being smaller...
Thank you Lilly Forever and thank you Rayya for the comments.
I am feeling okay. I got re-hydrated but my body just doesn't seem to hold onto water for very long at all. I need to remember to drink more liquids regularly and every day.
I'm not vegan right now.
And I'm not supposed to have dairy but thanks. I have dairy most of the time anyways even though I'm not supposed to so maybe I will go get some skim milk (they call it that here too I am pretty sure) and drink it with some kind of food that will soak it up some. I don't know.
I don't know if I am really gluten intolerant as the tests came back fine but maybe they were just checking for Celiac's and wouldn't have picked up anything less...?
All I know is that their tests always come back normal for me, and they haven't found anything wrong, even when I am eating perfectly normal, drink water and stay hydrated, and getting enough sleep. They can write it off to stress but I feel sick even with no stress and all of those healthy habits in place. I'm tired of testing though. It's starting to feel like I'm making it up or it's all in my head...
But I am not super depressed at the moment I don't think... I feel strange and my body hurts but I'm okay overall... Either that or I can't feel anything and I am mistaking it for happiness. But oh well. :)

Somehow this never got posted from a few days ago... I found it still as a draft. How disappointing...

Monday, October 8, 2012

To Alice May, who seems to be my new follower- Welcome!
Thank you for commenting. I realize that everyone has bad days and busy days and sometimes other kinds of days, and can't always comment but it is exciting when you do.
This is a reply to your comment I guess.
D is not my boyfriend and he says he doesn't have a crush, he just meant he likes her as a friend. We will see how that goes. Maybe read back a little farther to get the whole story on him? Even just a few days back of posts might help.
Thank you by the way. I do feel pretty mature. Sometimes people assume I am immature because I can act quite like a child at times and I am a bit slow, but my intelligence doesn't really emerge during first impressions. When people really get to know me they are somewhat surprised I suppose. Some people still can't shake that first impression of me...
I get anxious or shy and my voice goes up like a child, and then I have a nervous giggle, or I just seem quiet and standoffish. I am also very clumsy and all that and more contributes to this immature first image people have of me.
I am actually glad that he is honest with me.
Maybe letting go for a bit to learn to smile and laugh about something would be good for you though. It can be hard to just be silly every once in a while but life must go on and all of that.

On an unrelated note, I think my eating disorder is becoming worse, or maybe just becoming a disorder. I mean, I am used to hearing about how one will try to resist food for a long period of time, or even just for the day and failing. I haven't heard of anyone quite like me though. I'm not sure what to think of it. Does it mean I have a different kind of eating disorder? Does it just mean I am different? Or does it mean I don't really have an eating disorder? I'm not sure.
I do know some things though. Like somehow I have come to the point that when everyone is around me having treats and things, I want them less. I used to just go for it and stuff my face.
I also realized that I don't really resist food, I just don't want it.
My appetite is less and less all the time. Somehow, I think maybe I successfully convinced myself that I am not hungry, or don't want to eat food. At some point in my head, a switch was flipped. Instead of craving food, I have a hard time coming up with enough appetite, or maybe energy? Motivation? To actually get food down. It's effortless.
One other thing I know, I am losing weight at an increasingly fast rate. It used to take months to get through a set of tens. For example, 160's and 170's. I was in the 150's for a while, but not as long as the examples I just used. And I just got into the 140's and I am already almost out of them. It's exhilarating, but also sort of scary. When I hit my goal weight, I'm not sure if I am going to be able to stop. In fact, I am pretty sure that I won't stop. And I'm not sure why I would want to... That is me talking backed by a positive attitude, so it isn't even panicked or depressed me talking. It's strange. I'm not sure what to think about all of this, except that I feel so close to my goal weight and yet I can't get there fast enough...
I'm going now. Stay safe all of you please!
So as I promised, I am posting a continuation of the last post about D wanting to get an apartment that allows pets and why.
I am at D's house right now. Let me catch everyone up to this point.
The day before yesterday I had both H and his sister K hounding me about food the way they do.
For H, it is making food and then having me eat parts of it. He had chicken ball things and would put it on a fork and offer it to me and when I said no thanks, he tried to get me to eat them anyways. It got to the point where I had to open my mouth because I couldn't lean any farther back and he would have gotten the sticky outside stuff on my face. They were super high calorie I know. I don't know the exact number. He would also do that thing where he would ask me if I was hungry and I would say no, but he wouldn't listen.
He would say, "I'm going to make you something anyways. What do you want?"
"I don't want anything," I would reply.
"Do you want a cheeseburger? Cereal? A sandwich?" These are just examples. I would repeat that I'm not hungry or something and that I ate.
He would ask me when I ate, and if I paused or he could easily disprove my answer, he would choose something from the list of things he knows I like and make it for me. It's usually something of his or something that takes an effort to make. I can't just refuse food then.
Then of course, K and her ever constant mothering.
"You aren't eating enough."
"Have you eaten already?"
"I have this special... (insert any number of things here, last time it was something chocolate) Do you want some?"
"You are always dehydrated. I'm going to pour you some juice and then you will drink it."
"When was the last time you ate?"
The list goes on. She can actually get very bossy and intimidating if I even stop sipping my drink for too long. I don't really mind K too much besides that controlling thing. I was actually just texting her. I enjoy her company.
So yesterday morning after all of that, I gained about two pounds. I was about 142 pounds I think. D took me to work yesterday morning. I worked 11:30am to 3pm, and then 4pm to 8. He just worked 11:30-3. But he got really sick and was puking so he went home early even then. During my break I texted D to make sure he was okay and apologize for being somewhat mean that morning. I felt really guilty. I didn't do anything SUPER mean though. I was just grumpy and rude, maybe because I was stressed out about the day before and my weight gain. I told D during my break about what K and H had been doing the day before. I told him how much my appetite goes away when they try and control my eating or even just have anything to do with my eating habits. After break, someone bought several bags of candy and even the nicer manager was snacking on the different kinds, and was coming to the front where I was doing very little (it was a kind of slow day) and telling everyone there was food in the back, asking, "Does anyone want some candy?"
It's a Sunday so the manager who I usually have a bit of trouble with wasn't there. She is known to never work on Sundays. But everyone kept asking me if I wanted some, and then asking me why when I politely turned it down.
I would say, "I'm not really hungry."
One girl replied, "So? I'm not hungry and I'm having some."
I tried saying I don't like candy or don't have an appetite. I hate the attention they gave me for just turning down a treat. If I didn't have any appetite before then, I really had none after that.
When I got off I had already missed the last bus though. I had not even thought about it, but on Sundays the buses don't run as late. D couldn't leave his place yet and so I walked the three and a half miles home. Then he picked me up and brought me back here. The main reason I wanted to come over was because I really did not want to face H and K again for fear that they would do the same thing again. I knew D wouldn't. And he didn't.
Yesterday, I had a 400+ calorie cheeseburger, a Reese's cup at about 110 calories, and I ate the last of the pepper jack cheese. I have no idea how many calories all that was. I had some sherbet ice cream in little containers, 80 calories each that I brought over, along with my candy stashes and some cream soda and my new water bottles. D got us both one last night and I was eating it so slow it was ridiculous  I just didn't want to have anything to eat at all. I had maybe a few very tiny bits and then gave him the rest.
He is learning where my boundaries are now. Last night was better. He knew even before I emailed him telling me how I felt about all of that stuff that happened last time I was here that something was wrong, even though I was having a hard time even being able to make out something was wrong to myself. My wall keeps others from seeing how I am feeling, but it also stops me from seeing how I am feeling. But somehow he knew, he felt it, and had gotten very angry and upset with himself.
This is becoming a long post... Sorry about that but I have a lot to say all on the same subject.
So I sent him this extremely long email and I ended up just spilling out every thought and wrote like... A novel. I wrote him two novels. No not really but it was really long. I wrote it on the morning of the fifth, three days ago. It make him feel really bad but for once I was at least honest with myself and someone else. I was brutally honest. I made myself resist just making excuses to make everything okay again, which was really hard but I ended it with a kind of... Nice resolve.
The main part of the email was saying how hurt and troubled I was by when he had crossed the line last time I was here. I explained that sometimes I have a hard time saying no, because I feel like it is something to feel guilty for when I withhold other people from doing something that will make them happy. I never realized I had that problem until now. Anyways, I felt a lot better after I wrote the email and I forgave him, because I know he really is suffering the guilt and I know he really does feel bad and I guess regrets what he did. I feel that he is strong enough to move forward from that and learn to do better. Then I talked a lot about how I am not a sexual person, and how even though I have lost my virginity  I greatly regret it, and I don't want to have sex again until I am married. I talked about how I miss my innocence, and how, the things that make me happiest have nothing to do with sexual things. I talked about how I want a cleaner essence of living, and perhaps the reason I am so sick and depressed all the time is because I chose such a high standard for living and for how I want myself to be, that in this dying, sick world with so little people with any values or morals, it makes it extremely hard to maintain such a state of being. Towards the end I offered him something though.
I told him, if he got those tickets he said he would get us for a concert near the end of November, and found something warm and green, but not necessarily matching to go with my red dress, I would consider that a date. I made sure to specify that it was old school dating. One date would not mean we were girlfriend/boyfriend, or that we were "going out". It would be a date. And my first official one. H has never actually taken me on date, and besides him, I have only ever gone on friend dates, which I don't really count seeing as it was only as friends and I had no feelings for the other person.
I told him, until then, I don't want him to call me beautiful. I don't want to take credit for my beauty. I have no control over how I look and I did not create me. I do not like compliments or praise for things I did not earn. They literally just mean nothing to me most of the time. I would rather have someone tell me I am a hard worker or that I am mature than that I am beautiful.
I also told him that until then, he isn't allowed to say he loves me. I don't want to be told something and have to doubt it. For me, actions speak louder than words. Words don't seem to speak at all. One can easily say they love someone, but to prove it again and again is something else entirely. If he treats me right, I should feel that he loves me. I told him he needed to start using actions instead of words.
I was very depressed when he hadn't taken the time to even say hello to me. He couldn't find the time to talk to me for a few days and I was really hurt. When you have been through so much like I have, the thing you fear most is using too much of your heart and getting invested. If you don't get invested, you don't get hurt. I guess that is why my heart is so closed off now. I am too afraid to put myself out there for fear of the same thing happening again and again. I expect the same things to happen again and again, and because I know that I can only close myself off to prevent getting hurt when it does happen. This time I wasn't even ready for it. Having those few days feeling so alone...
It will happen again though. D will have to work several days in a row, or something else will happen... But it was such a deviating blow that was so unexpected, I guess it surprised me. One day I had a best friend who I could go to for anything and talk about my feelings and problems with, someone to keep me from feeling alone and then all of a sudden it was just gone.
Anyways. I think I got off track there.
I am really happy today. I came over here and we spent some time just talking and then we slept. I only got in a few hours but he was more aware of me and I was burning up all night for some reason but I was okay in the morning. He went to work, I allowed myself to stay another day by not going with him, and he just got back a few hours ago. I found his stash of Disney movies and it lightened my mood considerably too. I took my meds, ate some, but it was a safe amount. I feel like, being here, I will lose weight easily. He does not force me to eat anything. He worries, but as long as I eat one or two things every day I think he is more okay with it. I do that anyways so I'm not worried either.
But he has the whole basement to himself and a lot of nice things around so I can be comfortable. I like one of his chairs a lot. It has a rounded back and I just curl up in it.
To sum this all up, I am having a pretty good day. No anxieties. I am on a little vacation from life. He makes me feel very welcome and I can have things my way, whichever way makes me most comfortable. I would even go as far as to say that today I am happy. Smile everyone! :)
I have this to say about D right now. It's a slightly modified (to save privacy and things) part of an email I wrote to K from D's house, which is where I am at right now. I will explain that too so be patient.

D really wants to get an apartment that allows pets. I am thinking that I am a lot of the reason for this. He knows how much life animals give me. He says there is a limit on how many pets I can have (lol) but it's bigger than three I think. I was telling him that I wanted two big fish tanks and after seeing how passionate I was about it he really didn't argue. I will be saving up for those eventually. I want a salt water one because the fish are so beautiful, and I need a freshwater one anyways, because my plecostomus, named Dog, is getting way too big for my little tank. A plecostomus, or pleco for short, is the kind of fish you might see, say at a dentists office, sucking on the bottom or walls of a tank. Those things get huge! I want Dog to be happy so I want to get him a tank that he can swim, or suck, around comfortably.
I have talked about Princess (the black and white "tuxedo cat" that I have had since she was a kitten about five years ago) a lot so he knows how much I love her, and I think the main reason why an apartment that allows pets is so important to him now, is because he knows how badly I want to help her. I am always saying how I will get her treats because mom never did, and toys because she doesn't really have any, and how afraid I am to move her because she is an anxious cat, but the risks of her living there for too much longer seems, at least to me, a much greater risk than that of moving her and having her stay an inside cat. I have talked about using my own money to get her a check up and her shots, which I may have mentioned before. I don't mind if I don't get any new toys or anything with the money I will have to spend on myself, because I just want Princess to be healthy and as happy as can be. It is more exciting for me to be able to give her good toys so she can lose some weight and be fit and be able to play and actually have fun, and for her to have treats, than anything else money can buy. It also greatly excites me to think about being able to bring her to a vet and make sure she is healthy. D realizes some of the things like that, that give me life and wants to give that to me I guess.

(Little background on Princess, after my fuzzy main coon tabby cat named Taz died- he disappeared so I assume the coyotes in our back yard got him- many years ago, my parents promised me a new cat. Taz was paid for, from a shelter, Princess was a kitten I got with her mom from somebody at church. She was fixed. She was my baby. At some point I thought I was going to have to give her up earlier in the year, but because of the conditions she has to live in, I no longer see that happening. She was my greatest love and support through my school years and I would often lay my head on her and cry and she would let me. I love her more than I should really love a pet, which is why, she's really my baby. But anyways, she has not been to the vet since she was fixed years ago, and her shots were the kind my dad brought home from some kind of pet place and gave her himself. I guess it was cheaper that way. How often do those need to be renewed? I will have to make sure and check. They have her live in the disgusting garage, as I have ranted about before, and the dogs eat her food. At my parents house where I had to leave her, they basically kicked her out for the stray kitten they found and took in. They don't get along, and won't bother to try to get the two to get along so Princess hardly even comes into the house anymore, even at night when they call her in just to throw her in the garage with the dogs. I am afraid she will go wild and not come in anymore if I wait too long to collect her... So much for just a little background... x.x)

I also asked if, after Princess was settled in, if I could get her a kitten, mainly because I have felt for years that she might be happier with a companion, after all, you are supposed to have cats in at least two's right? So I have been thinking about that and I am pretty sure D agreed to that too. Besides that I am thinking I might get some other animals, maybe something small like a rat or a guinea pig, but that is far in the future and I know I will want more than that, and I think he will be okay with it as long as I know my own limits.
I told him I could even get some turtles if he likes, since he really likes those, and that seemed to please, him, although why it was me offering I really don't know. Why can't he get his own turtles? Maybe he just likes the way I care for animals so I would take care of them and they would be mine, but he could see them and help me with them and name them and that would please him enough? He seems to like watching me and letting me do things so maybe it's something like that? I don't know now...
So yes. This guy is really good for me. He has figured out some of the main things it takes to keep me happy, which is something H and many other people have never really been able to catch on to, including myself.
So that's what I have to say about all of that.

Sorry this post ended up so long. I will write another one afterwards on a bit of a different subject. :)
I ended up adding a lot of information so that everything was clear and precise, at least for me when I decide to come back and read it as I always do. I like reading old posts. You find things that you have forgotten about...

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Well today was a kind of crap day. I have been dehydrated all summer and today was just the worst of it yet. I woke up, went into the bathroom and dry heaved and then passed out on the floor for a good minute. I must have slammed my head on the doorknob or something because I have a dark red bruise right over my hair, just out of view thanks to my hairline. But it hurts if a breeze even touches it. Then I nearly passed out several time at work and was shaking like crazy. I was tired, and I started to lose my voice because my mouth was so dry. My lips were chapped as hell.
I did weigh in at 139 point something but with the way I have eaten today I will be back up in the 140's by morning. Thank goodness I at least get tomorrow off to recover fully.
After passing out I had only a few minutes to get ready for work and I had to rush to the bus stop. I had H feel my forehead just before I left and apparently even though I was sweating buckets my forehead was ice cold and my face was scary pale. I worked four hours and while everyone else was freezing, as I usually am, I was burning up. I finally got off work and it was already dark. It was also freezing. My computer says it's about 49 degrees F, but it might have easily been colder, and all I had to walk back in was my work pants and work t shirt  My fingers hurt so badly because they were so cold. I was shaking and chattering and everything on my way home. I am drinking lots of apple juice now because I can't get water down.
I am taking vitamin D now.
Also, my food card gets refilled tomorrow.
I'm not sure what else to say. I may just be feeling off because I am so sick from dehydration but I think some of it may have been that night I spent with D. I still feel sort of disturbed by it all, to the point where I can't even listen to music.
H is bothering me now. Why can't he sleep somewhere else???
I don't want to have to be quiet all night and tiptoe around him...
Hey guys, just to clarify, I have been trying to comment but for some reason it isn't sending. I'll have to figure out what's going on. It might just be this computer being glitchy lately or I might have accidentally changed my blogger settings or something, but please bear with me. There is so much I wanted to say to all of you. I am exhausted though and may not have a chance to post all day.
I hope all of you are okay, especially those of you who aren't posting.
D went to see another girl today. A friend he says. He says he doesn't even show up on her radar and that he does have a crush on her. But he says that the crush is a completely different thing from his love for me. I was a little sad earlier when he said he was with another girl but not really. It went away as soon as it came. I don't mind that he was with her I guess. It's good that they got back in contact with her too. Friends are good to have.
I have taken my medication but I am still feeling pretty depressed. It isn't panic attack depressed and it isn't destructive depressed, just a general low of energy where I don't feel like talking to people, but I am anyways. I am feeling tired of everything I guess. I'm not sure what it is. Loneliness maybe? It's something like that feeling of when I was sitting next to D and I was just in pain in my heart and didn't know why or what to do about it. It didn't have to do with him I don't think.
I think... I am feeling somewhat abused. Everything is just haunting and things feel off.
I had a thought today.
All those times H damaged me by telling me I was immature and needed to grow up? I have seen other people, girls especially at work who are 18 like me, and there is such an incredible gap between us... All that stuff he would say that would stay with me and pull me down has kind of been washed away.
My body may be 18 but I think my mind and heart are a little older. Do I seem 18 to you?
I am actually glad I am not like them though. The first word that comes to mind to describe them is superficial and I'm not sure exactly where to go after that. I have been through so much but I'm not sure if it's even just that...
By the way I don't think I will be eating the rest of the night but that could very well change.
I don't think I would ever be comfortable being happy anyways. All my life I have gotten used to depression and I like it in a way. But I am not sure why I am feeling so off...

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

I didn't even realize it until I woke up today but I haven't eaten in 29 hours. But I did eat something after waking up. I weighed myself too. I have hit an all new low weight at 141.3 pounds.
I slept all day, which means I am going to have a hard time going to sleep tonight and I work tomorrow. Me and D both had today off but even if he had wanted to do something, he never texted or messaged me. Never called, never emailed to get a hold of me. I wonder why.
Oh. Looks like he was in the process of writing me an email when I just texted. He was getting worried. Pfft.
Why does it have to be me trying to talk to him? Why does he need to wait for me in order to be able to communicate? I hate when people do that.
And he's hanging out with someone else today apparently. Oh well.
I have lost two pounds since yesterday.
I hope I don't eat too much more today because if I do I may not lose anything or I will gain, which would make me super depressed seeing how close I am to getting into the 130's.
I have 21 pounds to go to reach my goal by new years. Also, to reach my goal by new years from today's weight, I would need to lose 1 pound every 4.2 days. Yesterday it was every 3.6 days so I am raising my chances for success every time I lose more than one pound in four days. I hope that makes sense.
Thanks for the love and the comments.
Thanks Lovely Bones for the comments.
I'm feeling depressed again. I need to go to bed soon...
D... he doesn't seem to mind that I seem to have an eating disorder. He even encourages it. It's disappointing to say the least. It makes me never want to eat again, which is why I have not eaten since before I took that nap from around noon to 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I weighed myself later on and it seems I have hit a new low weight. 143.5 pounds. I am not impressed. I need to be below 140 now. I need to be just bones. I need to make this a reality for not just him but myself. If he wants to see me skinny, he can watch me suffer when I get down that low. He can watch me get consumed by my own thoughts and emotions and bits of me disappear like I'm losing my soul.
He can congratulate me when I hit my goal weight, but I want to see the horror on his face when I keep going. He says he loves me but... If he really loved me, he wouldn't encourage the disordered eating. He knows how rough it can be. He just lets me destroy myself...
No one can watch someone with an eating disorder that they love and just encourage their goals while ignoring the bad stuff. Could you do it?
I was over at his house last night. I just stayed the night.
I feel very off now. I let him do things that I am blaming myself for agreeing to. I didn't even agree. I literally just didn't have the energy to say no. But I could have. Would it really have been too hard to just say stop?
It's like I am trying to create moments that I can torture myself with. I'm horrified with myself to be honest. I feel disgusting. Degraded. But I don't blame him for that. He did respect me enough to not kiss my lips or go below the belt. Somehow the only thing I can blame him for is not waking up to comfort me after having nightmares.
I woke up and knew I had made noises. I always do when I dream like that. But he just slept through it. I just sat there, too tired to cry next to him, and watched the morning light starting to come through the window. I got cold but I wanted to suffer so I didn't go to pull the blanket up around me. I just sat there and rocked myself while shivering. I must have waited an hour or two for him to wake up. I felt like my heart was screaming so hard on the inside that somehow he would feel it and wake up. I could feel myself pleading in my head. But even though he was right there next to me the whole time, I just felt alone.
I ended up grabbing my sweatshirt and going to sit in the chair in his computer room with my mp3 player on and the volume painfully high in my ears. Nothing helped. Nothing.
He eventually woke up and found me. He carried me back into the room after asking if it was okay first. I let him so that I could watch him wrestle with his strength to try and pick me up. If I wasn't so fat he could have done it easily. I just felt like I needed to prove to myself with someone else as witness how incredibly awful it is to be so huge. It did make me feel worse, but that was the idea I guess.
Soon I will be out of this apartment. It still doesn't seem real.
I want to be so skinny that my period stops. Then I will really be considered anorexic. I don't want to be a woman, I want to be a child. Then no one can touch me or hurt me, and I can be protected.
Right now I am too strong to need protection. I need to be fragile.
My little sister is going to get her license before me. I am not going to learn to drive before her. How humiliating. I feel ashamed. She's doing driver's ed this fall. D could teach me, but the idea of learning how to drive makes me so anxious I could literally puke right now.
I'm so tired...
I hate this.
I don't want it to be worth it any more.
I don't want any reason to fight.
Goodnight everyone, or for some of you, good morning.
When did she let herself go... She was gorgeous in this...

Oh my goodness. I'm not sure what I was looking at to find this, maybe articles on Mila Kunis losing weight for her black swan role. She was 95-98 pounds reportedly at 5'4". Isn't she gorgeous?!?!