Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Why am I finding it so easy to not eat? I don't know.
All I know, is no one usually gets past day two, three if they are lucky. This is just in my experience. Then they crave food like crazy and binge until their weight is back up. I am not sure when that will kick in for me, but I expect it will. Am I wrong about the two day thing? Please call me out if I'm wrong.
Anyways, I feel like the 140's is a somewhat permanent thing now. I think I might be able to lose a few more pounds before the food craving thing comes back.
I think my thing is, I am not telling myself to not eat. I am not struggling to control how much I eat. I can go and get food anytime I want. I keep telling myself, you don't have self control, you just don't have money and so you are starving. But there are a few things that make me wonder in this. For example, I have food right here next to the bed. It just requires fast preparation. Like I have ramen noodles, and three or four kinds of soups. The soups usually have dairy and noodles, which is gluten, but that never stopped me before. The ramen noodles are filling, and it would require water to make the broth. Water is good for me. I actually am dehydrated today too. But the noodles have gluten in them. But that never stopped me before either. I mean, you read my posts. Just about a week ago I made two packs of ramen noodles. And I haven't had the soup in long enough to be sick of it. Soup tastes good and is low in calories. Why don't I have some when I get hungry again tonight? When it gets to a point, I find I have to eat or throw up again. Throwing up that often would have the same effect of bulimia.
Even weirder, I haven't needed to look at thinspo pictures, or videos. I haven't been shut down by music. I am not even sure if I can feel much. I am not extremely depressed. I have no desire to attempt suicide or swallow too many pills to fix my problems. I have not had my anxiety meds since my last doctor's appointment. That was when? At least a week ago... I have to make a new appointment, they said two weeks after my latest one to check on my new meds. They are watching me on meds more carefully this time, which I am grateful.  I will have to schedule it when I can figure out my work schedule for whatever week that is. I might have been to the doctors on Friday. I know it was on a Friday, I just can't think whether it was this last one or earlier. I think this last one. I will wait three weeks unless I am finding serious complications from the med, that way my mom won't have to pay as much. They will weigh me again, but I am not too worried about that. I can either say I haven't had the money to, which might get by since it is mostly true, or I can say I have been so happy I forget to eat, which may be closer to the truth, or that I am working out a ton lately and I have a busy life. Either way, all I have to do is talk about being hungry and getting something fatty to eat afterwards, maybe pretend to drool over the thought of a hamburger and they will think nothing of it. I am within a healthy weight range now, though.
I am worried about hitting 120 and being too bony. I must admit, I do feel there is a point at which the body gets too skinny to look good at all. Think everyone's idea of anorexia skinny. I actually do not find that nice at all, I am sure most of you will agree it looks unhealthy. So I will see as I go. I am startled by the appearance of my bones so early on in my weight loss, so it is an uncertain thing for me how much I will lose, but my aim is 120. If I feel like I am fine before then, I will stop. If I feel like I could lose a little more, I will continue. Knowing that I am now a little taller though throws off my BMI.
I think my mood may be lightening up.Did I tell you guys I bought myself a new nail polish? I haven't in months so if I mentioned it recently that would be it. But I can't remember so I will recap. I was bored, waiting for D to get off of work and ended up getting it for about $2 or around there. It is a greenish blue, the kind you all know I am in love with. My phone does not take good pictures of it to capture the color so I can't post a pic. Since I can't do my finger nails, which are growing so fast and a bit thicker now, I decided to do my toenails. I shaped them better and the color is flimsy and requires a lot of coats. I didn't coat it a ton because I was impatient, but it did turn out a lovely ice blue with just the slightest shade of green in it if you look really closely. It felt nice to incorporate some color into my life. It stays on my toenails better than my fingernails anyways.
This is  long post so I will continue in another one. I wanted to talk about my new BMI's.
Ganbatte!

1 comment:

  1. In answer to your question about fasting: day three is supposed to be the hardest day, between 3 and 5 is supposed to be the worse, than after day 5 your body starts working around the lack of food and starts burning fat for energy properly. In theory anyway, I can't say I've ever gone past day 5 to find that out. So you're definitely right about it normally being hard.

    You sound like you're in such a good state of mind right now, keep it up darling. It's lovely to read something so optimistic.
    Good luck with everything.

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