Monday, September 10, 2012

Okay I was wrong. H is talking to someone on rift. Everyone else here is unhappy about it because he is laughing loud and talking loud like there is no one there but him and this girl.
The old man has to work tomorrow and he has a hard time sleeping. K is going to bed right behind him. I have work in the morning but I am so sick and stressed out from listening to this for so long, that I have just decided to stay up all night. It will throw me for another panic attack when H finally decides to go to bed. He can sleep whenever he damn well wants to. He has no regard for anyone else.
I mean, he almost never gets off of his dad's computer now. The old man just retreats to the living room and watches TV and naps and H is on that computer from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep. He has a headset now so no one can hear what the other people are saying, just what he says too them very loudly. He pretends to not be able to hear through the head phones but we all know he can and just chooses to ignore us, even though he can text whoever it is he is texting, probably his wife, while playing the game. He stops for five minutes here and there throughout the day to make food and then eats it at the computer most of the time. He never ever goes outside. Never gets exercise except for going up and down the stairs when he goes to his brother's to play games... No wonder he's a disgusting, fat, hairy, smelly person. K says when she walked past him earlier she nearly threw up right there from the smell. I can believe it. About a week and a half ago my lungs decided they would no longer take in full breaths. I am thinking maybe because his smell is making me literally sick. Is that possible? I never would have believed it before now. Can an obnoxious smell in one's life consistently make them have lung problems? I don't know.
I WANT OUT.
I have dealt with this for too long, and I have a feeling I am not going to get out of this situation for a very long time. Which makes me wonder if D has some guns, and if he would teach me to shoot with them...
I feel dead and emotionless lately. At work half the life seems to have gone out of me, even though that is where I am the happiest. I have put both my emails, and my Facebook on invisible so that no one will message me. When I am around other people I avoid eye contact and don't talk unless prompted and have to. I don't feel anything. When I do let myself feel, I just feel an intense drive of misery to do something awful. I have considered moving in with several people, including the bench at the park and my parents.
No one can make me feel this way but myself you say? Then come live my life.
My appetite is suppressed. Anything I want to eat has gluten or dairy in it. There are no good fresh fruit. Strawberries from the store always taste like crap, just a heads up.
I had a sandwich this morning with just one slice of the gluten free bread and some sliced pickles and mustard. Then I had cereal but I had a hard time eating it all. My stomach didn't want anymore and I was starting to feel sickened by the food I was eating, but this morning I was even in binge mode. Usually it will stay that way all day. This time it didn't. I took my food card to the gas station which has everything. I was looking for something like chips to binge on. Pringles have gluten in them. Not cool. I was looking at natural chips and left a bag backwards and the store person called at me across the store to turn it back around. I was already in a bad mood so I grabbed the tea for H and did my purchase and left. Went back twice after that, never for me.
If I can't even have good food, why have food? I mean, I have all that money on the food card and I don't even feel like getting myself something to eat.
So even though I was convinced I was going to overdo the calories today, I am at maybe, 600. I am way overestimating the cereal as always. I poured in too much milk and then kept on adding cereal to soak it up, since I dislike drinking lactose free milk with cereal bits in it. I dislike lactose free milk taste on it's own actually. So I estimate the cereal at 500 because the milk has calories too.
The sandwich I estimated at 100 calories. I couldn't remember how many calories the gluten free bread was... But nothing else on it had calories and I only had one piece of bread so... yeah.
All together if I actually knew how many calories I had, it would probably actually add up to under 500.
So I guess I might be on another weight loss streak. Fun. Whatever.
I weighed in around 145 something I guess it would be yesterday morning now, since it is early morning of the 10th.
I got my paycheck and it was about $50 so I will just go and put it in the bank sometime soon. I have work every morning for three days and on the fourth in the afternoon. So I will be working several days in a row. Before this may have stressed me out, but I think I am... excited? I really can't tell through this emotionless fog. That isn't what I am stressed out about though. I do know that.
I have a ride to work for a few days so I just need a bus pass for Thursday and I will probably put it off but who cares and oh well. I have cash for a bus pass or two I think. Plenty of change in my purse anyways.
Hm. Is this Friday the old man's birthday? I need to remember that though. And my phone card expires this week. I texted what's his name about it I know so it should be taken care of. I just don't know what time he will want to meet up. I might just pay for it myself...

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