Monday, September 24, 2012

My heart let its wall down for one moment and I am in Hell again.
This friend from work... He has been such a good friend to me. He is even planning to get an apartment with me. I have been spending so much time with him and he has been comforting me so much and I have told him everything... And just for a moment in the car I had a moment looking over at him singing with the radio and I felt...
I can't do this anymore.
I am in so much pain. Everyone I love leaves me.
It reminds me of why I started to starve.
I am not striving for perfection. I should know better than that. I wanted to watch everyone around me suffer. I wanted to starve down into nothing so that all of those people who said they loved me and then left me, and betrayed me, and all of those people who said they would protect me and help me, then let me down, and all of those people who used the words, "I love you," and then beat me down until I was nothing... it's so that they can die a long agonizing death in their hearts. Instead of one attempt that could go wrong, one giant hurt that would heal over time, I want to make it so that I am always near death and make them feel a long hurt. At 120 I will be able to starve here and there and they would see my bones and worry. I would be able to pass over being emaciated and healthy back and forth until I am finally done. 96 used to be my ultimate goal. After watching some things, somehow I want to be in the 80's. They have already killed me so much on the inside that I can never actually be happy. I know that I will never be able to escape the depression. It's built into me from my core. This isn't me talking panicked, it's a fear I have always known and always spoke of. Even if I have happy times, as soon as winter comes the darkness settles over me again. Maybe winter isn't even the catalyst.
The thing is, no matter how much I talk about being healthy or managing this eating disorder, I know I can't let it go. I don't want to. It takes the want to change to get rid of it and right now... I can never see that happening. I want to be tiny. I want people to see what they have done to me. Maybe it isn't even as much about hurting them, as letting them see that I am hurt, and that healing is difficult for me.
But I at least want to be small enough that people can worry. No one worries about a fat anorexic. That's the cold hard truth.
I am proud of myself when I starve for long periods of time.
I am proud of myself when I hit a new low weight.
I am proud of myself when I wake up and my stomach is noticeably tinier.
I am proud of myself when my stomach stops growling because I haven't fed it in too long.
I am proud of myself when I fit into a new small size of pants.
I am proud of myself when I don't eat.
I am ashamed of myself for putting off losing weight like I can resume it anytime.
I am ashamed of myself for not starving when I know I can.
I am ashamed of myself for not losing weight faster and better because I know I can.
This is the truth and that's how I like it. I don't care that I am different.
But I am depressed.
I don't want to do this anymore... And every meal I skip is a step closer to my end.
Please, no comments trying to cheer me up. You can't pretend like things are going to be okay in my life when you don't feel like they can in yours. And don't tell me you don't feel the same way either because I know you do feel this way if you are anything like me.

1 comment:

  1. This is exactly how I feel right now.. I feel like I want my bf to hurt to feel sad as he watches me disappear. Maybe I just want a reaction from him to feel like he cares, maybe I want him to prove me wrong that I am not worthless and that I am not worth loving or caring about. I cant criticise you for feeling this way when this is exactly how I feel myself.. I want to starve, to not eat. There is no success right now as I am not thin enough. You are right who actually notices a fat anorexic? No one.. sorry for commenting so depressingly..

    Love you lots, be careful with this guy I would hate for him to hurt you <3

    Love you x