Saturday, September 29, 2012

Thank you everyone for your concerns. Thank you lovely bones for the last comment. I know it seems bad right now but I'm not sure I can let go of life right now. To be honest, D is like a rock to me, and without him... I'm not sure I would be resisting so hard. I don't know what will happen with him, and I am curious to see where we go, and he's new and he cares for me a lot. I would break his heart if I decided to go and do something like that. I am waiting to see but...
I have known him really only since the second and yet he's in love with me, and I... I feel connected with him.  
And I don't know why but for some reason I can see him being there in every stage of my life. I'm not sure how I feel towards him but I know that I don't love him, and I'm not sure I will. But I still see us ending up together, happy married couple and every moment up until and after that. It's weird for me and disorienting. I'm afraid he will turn out to be rebound or something...
Anyways. I don't know whether anyone should be worried for me or not as I haven't even really cut or anything dangerous or destructive. It takes too much energy to do something like that anyways lately...
I am looking forward to having an apartment hopefully, and to living with D...
I hope he can clear up his issues without too much trouble.
The promise of change in my future is the only thing keeping me grounded; the promise that I will at least get the chance to try something different, in a new place with a new person, and none of the old worries or problems... But if it doesn't work out, I think I will lose it. I am at the end of my rope as they say, right now.
I did say that I would not do well by around this time if I didn't get out.
I am depressed.
I know I am not the only one feeling this way.
I have read at least two, maybe three other bloggers I love dearly are thinking or have attempted suicide lately too.
I can't even comment on their posts because I would say something awful.
It just makes me feel bad when I hear about other people trying to kill themselves. I want to tell them to get it right the first time because the shame of failing is terrible. I just wish things would end...
I don't think I really want to be happy. Depression is all I have ever known. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I were happy. It would seem so dull...
Nothing is wrong with my life right now. I have a close friend, the new guy in my life D, who would do anything to make me happy and would go out of his way to help me whenever I need it. I am going to be out of here in the next few months hopefully. I have a job.
The future looks bright.
But I just don't have the energy to care.
I don't know what this is.
I feel bad, because I want to tell these girls how much I would miss them, and I would. I want to tell them lies about how I believe life is worth it and that suicide is awful... Sounds pretty dreamy to me right now.
I want to be a comfort. I don't even want comfort. Because of what I have been through, I have found that lately any comforts slide right past me. I don't even acknowledge them really.
Things will get better? Oh okay. Show me.
I will be happier? Alright, prove it.
I will be successful someday? You should have foretold that years ago so that I can have it right now.
You can tell the future? I'll believe it.
I need help? That's why I came to YOU.
Oh you promise? I see. Promises are meant to be broken.
Seems to me if things haven't gotten better my whole life I can't imagine much different now.
If I don't know trust how can I use it?
If I don't know happiness how can I live it?
If I have never learned what it is to be healthy, why do you want me to go back to it?
No one understands depression. I am treated as if I can just snap out of it. As if I will someday not have it anymore. I am treated as if it is something that can be fixed or cured. I am told things will get better, by people who have never had what I have. It's nearly literally a terminal illness.
And my anxiety attacks are back.
I am back at my usual apartment and H is gone, but I still feel like death would be easier than life.
I very nearly tried something last night but I am trying hard to get through another night. I have work tomorrow and the idea of it makes me want to find some pills but I have failed before and the idea of losing my job...
If I lost it, I would not be able to move out even with D's help and I would have no social interaction with people anymore which sounds nice but would turn me extremely self destructive...
And then it would be another trip to the hospital with blood tests and needles and pee cups and then the mental hospital and psychologists thinking they can evaluate me easily and a ton of other shit.
I am not happy right now.
Then again... When am I ever happy?
I was losing weight a little bit and then I ate all today and all yesterday and I feel like absolute shit and I am fat and ugly and disgusting and nothing can remove that feeling from me.
And now my computer is being so slow I think it has a problem with it...

Friday, September 28, 2012

I don't know why I decided to come here to my parent's house. I really was fine until he went to bed...
And now I am left alone with myself...
That's always what it is, isn't it?
He confessed to me that he's in love with me.
This place...
I'm doing everything I can to not put any of my ideas into action.
The bottle of pills in my purse with high dosage pain killers...
My mom's giant bottle of ibuprofen on the fridge...
They thought I was okay so they didn't hide anything this time...
Even if I just found one of my old knifes to slice up my face with...
What is wrong with me.
I am about to go wander into the parts of the house that trigger me.
I'm stupid but I can't resist.
The idea of going back to work makes me want to kill myself more than anything. I am too anxious to do anything. I'm terrified of working there again.
I don't want to do this anymore...
I really don't.
I can't do this anymore.

Monday, September 24, 2012

He says that he won't leave me. Even if we are just friends, he has grown an attachment to me. He promises to never leave. He might give up fire academy for me.
I can't even believe it. Literally. I feel like later the excitement of me will calm down and he will regret it and resent me for it. I don't want to be the one to hold him back...
He says that he just wants to help people and that's why he wants to do it, but since I have the same dream although not the same idea for an occupation, he said we should work out what to do together. He wants to make enough money to be comfortable. I'm not sure what I am doing but I have always been let down in the past. I'm not talking about H either. H made promises to me when we first became friends too. I believed him. Now, I'm not sure what to do or if I should even trust myself, but I really don't want to fall in love with him right now. I don't want to fall in love right now period.
This guy is so determined to make me happy... Sometimes we talk in music. I know a lot of songs and so does he and we both share a certain love for music.

I sent him this-



And he sent this as a reply-



See if that makes any sense to you.
My heart let its wall down for one moment and I am in Hell again.
This friend from work... He has been such a good friend to me. He is even planning to get an apartment with me. I have been spending so much time with him and he has been comforting me so much and I have told him everything... And just for a moment in the car I had a moment looking over at him singing with the radio and I felt...
I can't do this anymore.
I am in so much pain. Everyone I love leaves me.
It reminds me of why I started to starve.
I am not striving for perfection. I should know better than that. I wanted to watch everyone around me suffer. I wanted to starve down into nothing so that all of those people who said they loved me and then left me, and betrayed me, and all of those people who said they would protect me and help me, then let me down, and all of those people who used the words, "I love you," and then beat me down until I was nothing... it's so that they can die a long agonizing death in their hearts. Instead of one attempt that could go wrong, one giant hurt that would heal over time, I want to make it so that I am always near death and make them feel a long hurt. At 120 I will be able to starve here and there and they would see my bones and worry. I would be able to pass over being emaciated and healthy back and forth until I am finally done. 96 used to be my ultimate goal. After watching some things, somehow I want to be in the 80's. They have already killed me so much on the inside that I can never actually be happy. I know that I will never be able to escape the depression. It's built into me from my core. This isn't me talking panicked, it's a fear I have always known and always spoke of. Even if I have happy times, as soon as winter comes the darkness settles over me again. Maybe winter isn't even the catalyst.
The thing is, no matter how much I talk about being healthy or managing this eating disorder, I know I can't let it go. I don't want to. It takes the want to change to get rid of it and right now... I can never see that happening. I want to be tiny. I want people to see what they have done to me. Maybe it isn't even as much about hurting them, as letting them see that I am hurt, and that healing is difficult for me.
But I at least want to be small enough that people can worry. No one worries about a fat anorexic. That's the cold hard truth.
I am proud of myself when I starve for long periods of time.
I am proud of myself when I hit a new low weight.
I am proud of myself when I wake up and my stomach is noticeably tinier.
I am proud of myself when my stomach stops growling because I haven't fed it in too long.
I am proud of myself when I fit into a new small size of pants.
I am proud of myself when I don't eat.
I am ashamed of myself for putting off losing weight like I can resume it anytime.
I am ashamed of myself for not starving when I know I can.
I am ashamed of myself for not losing weight faster and better because I know I can.
This is the truth and that's how I like it. I don't care that I am different.
But I am depressed.
I don't want to do this anymore... And every meal I skip is a step closer to my end.
Please, no comments trying to cheer me up. You can't pretend like things are going to be okay in my life when you don't feel like they can in yours. And don't tell me you don't feel the same way either because I know you do feel this way if you are anything like me.

Monday, September 10, 2012

I am working on a project right now.
I downloaded a video maker so I can now make thinspo videos for you guys.
I was thinking about how I would love to have a thinspo book again. You know, pages of pictures cut out from magazines and words scrawled in the spaces in marker to encourage one's self. I would like to have one but I do not have the privacy to keep something like that around. I know I had one when I lived at my parent's and I had it in a binder so I could always just be adding pages to it. And then I was thinking about all of my favorite thinspo pictures from online and how I can't print them out, and how I don't like doing thinspo pages online or on my blog as much because you can't put them wherever on the page and doodle or put words around it as you please. They all just kind of go in order and it doesn't have the same scrap book kind of feel to it. I have also been thinking about how on you tube, there aren't really very many thinspo videos, and maybe a handful that I could find on winter, which is okay now, but what about around Christmas time when I won't want to watch any regular ones? I dislike listening to normal music in the holiday season. It just bursts the holiday mood bubble for me.
YouTube is always finding thinspo videos too and taking them off, like it is any more offensive than so much of the other crap that people put on. Makes me frustrated.
Young people are totally going to recover from eating disorders, and no one will ever get them if you take thinspo videos off of YouTube. While I'm at it, no one will ever be able to find those pictures anywhere else either so we have it covered. *Sarcasm*
It's stupid.
But back to my project idea. I am taking thinspo pictures and using them in Paint, the program already on pretty much every computer. Then I am adding some color, and some words and making it something of a thinspo book, only in computer files. Then I am attaching it to a slide player that adds music, so I have something of a thinspo book video. I'm not sure if that made sense but I tried to explain.
So far, I am not sure exactly how to go at it, and so the pages are really simple with only a sentence or two on them and one or two pictures. Then I just color the background sometimes or add little stars or lines in different colors. I am calling the first one I do the first chapter of my book because I like things to be organised and in order. It's a work in progress or however that saying goes.
I am having trouble though because I'm not sure which pictures to use safely, which really the only way to do it safely is to ask permission from every one of the pictures creators or subjects... It seems like that would get me nowhere. So I am just trying to use pictures that are mostly already used and associated with thinspo or don't have watermarks on them. Also, trying not to say or show anything that might get the video deleted off of YouTube when I upload it is a challenge. I might just try and upload it directly to the blog. I really don't know...
But anyways.
I just thought I should let you guys know what I am working on so you have something to look forward too. If I ever get the hang of it enough in the future, perhaps I will accept requests for songs or themes.
Love you guys.
Keep working hard.
Okay I was wrong. H is talking to someone on rift. Everyone else here is unhappy about it because he is laughing loud and talking loud like there is no one there but him and this girl.
The old man has to work tomorrow and he has a hard time sleeping. K is going to bed right behind him. I have work in the morning but I am so sick and stressed out from listening to this for so long, that I have just decided to stay up all night. It will throw me for another panic attack when H finally decides to go to bed. He can sleep whenever he damn well wants to. He has no regard for anyone else.
I mean, he almost never gets off of his dad's computer now. The old man just retreats to the living room and watches TV and naps and H is on that computer from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep. He has a headset now so no one can hear what the other people are saying, just what he says too them very loudly. He pretends to not be able to hear through the head phones but we all know he can and just chooses to ignore us, even though he can text whoever it is he is texting, probably his wife, while playing the game. He stops for five minutes here and there throughout the day to make food and then eats it at the computer most of the time. He never ever goes outside. Never gets exercise except for going up and down the stairs when he goes to his brother's to play games... No wonder he's a disgusting, fat, hairy, smelly person. K says when she walked past him earlier she nearly threw up right there from the smell. I can believe it. About a week and a half ago my lungs decided they would no longer take in full breaths. I am thinking maybe because his smell is making me literally sick. Is that possible? I never would have believed it before now. Can an obnoxious smell in one's life consistently make them have lung problems? I don't know.
I WANT OUT.
I have dealt with this for too long, and I have a feeling I am not going to get out of this situation for a very long time. Which makes me wonder if D has some guns, and if he would teach me to shoot with them...
I feel dead and emotionless lately. At work half the life seems to have gone out of me, even though that is where I am the happiest. I have put both my emails, and my Facebook on invisible so that no one will message me. When I am around other people I avoid eye contact and don't talk unless prompted and have to. I don't feel anything. When I do let myself feel, I just feel an intense drive of misery to do something awful. I have considered moving in with several people, including the bench at the park and my parents.
No one can make me feel this way but myself you say? Then come live my life.
My appetite is suppressed. Anything I want to eat has gluten or dairy in it. There are no good fresh fruit. Strawberries from the store always taste like crap, just a heads up.
I had a sandwich this morning with just one slice of the gluten free bread and some sliced pickles and mustard. Then I had cereal but I had a hard time eating it all. My stomach didn't want anymore and I was starting to feel sickened by the food I was eating, but this morning I was even in binge mode. Usually it will stay that way all day. This time it didn't. I took my food card to the gas station which has everything. I was looking for something like chips to binge on. Pringles have gluten in them. Not cool. I was looking at natural chips and left a bag backwards and the store person called at me across the store to turn it back around. I was already in a bad mood so I grabbed the tea for H and did my purchase and left. Went back twice after that, never for me.
If I can't even have good food, why have food? I mean, I have all that money on the food card and I don't even feel like getting myself something to eat.
So even though I was convinced I was going to overdo the calories today, I am at maybe, 600. I am way overestimating the cereal as always. I poured in too much milk and then kept on adding cereal to soak it up, since I dislike drinking lactose free milk with cereal bits in it. I dislike lactose free milk taste on it's own actually. So I estimate the cereal at 500 because the milk has calories too.
The sandwich I estimated at 100 calories. I couldn't remember how many calories the gluten free bread was... But nothing else on it had calories and I only had one piece of bread so... yeah.
All together if I actually knew how many calories I had, it would probably actually add up to under 500.
So I guess I might be on another weight loss streak. Fun. Whatever.
I weighed in around 145 something I guess it would be yesterday morning now, since it is early morning of the 10th.
I got my paycheck and it was about $50 so I will just go and put it in the bank sometime soon. I have work every morning for three days and on the fourth in the afternoon. So I will be working several days in a row. Before this may have stressed me out, but I think I am... excited? I really can't tell through this emotionless fog. That isn't what I am stressed out about though. I do know that.
I have a ride to work for a few days so I just need a bus pass for Thursday and I will probably put it off but who cares and oh well. I have cash for a bus pass or two I think. Plenty of change in my purse anyways.
Hm. Is this Friday the old man's birthday? I need to remember that though. And my phone card expires this week. I texted what's his name about it I know so it should be taken care of. I just don't know what time he will want to meet up. I might just pay for it myself...
H is on the phone in the other room with the two people I hate most in the world. That would be miss size three and her husband. I think just miss size three right now. It is making me want to panic.
He is talking about living with them and all this other stuff. I don't care if he leaves but I don't want to be stuck in his old room with his fucking family while he has the time of his fucking life with his two best friends. Says a lot about his character that his two best friends are a bitch and an asshole. Scratch that. They are both the most vile contemptible human beings alive. All three of them can get in a car crash and die.
Is he talking about me now? Shit.
I have work in the morning but I slept all day so I don't know if I want to sleep and the way he is riling me up I doubt I will be able to sleep anytime soon, even if he stopped laughing and chatting like he's in love with the both of them. Makes me sick. Like seriously. I am eyeing the bathroom right now.
I hate this. I don't want to do this anymore. What a sick bastard.
At first I thought he was talking to his "Wifey" as he refers to her in text. Maybe he is actually talking on the game to all of them. I will walk by and check on my way to the toilet.
This is really stressing me out...

Saturday, September 8, 2012

I know I'm just tired but...





I don't like life very much...

Friday, September 7, 2012

Hey guys. I haven't posted in a bit because nothing has really happened that I want to talk about. I had a stressful crying night with panic attacks a few days ago and H's reaction to it, a bad reaction, was different than normal and startled me. Shocked me really. It's in the past. I don't want to talk about it.
But I would like to state my progress.
I have been upping my calories every day. 600 then 800 then 1000 and today is probably closer to 1000. I can't get myself to really go above that. I do two meals a day. One is in the morning with my meds to keep my energy up during the day. The other is a few hours before bed so I don't go to bed too hungry to sleep or too full to sleep.
I have actually lost a little bit. Not a ton obviously, but my challenge for myself was to have more calories to rebuild my metabolism, and I had to make myself realize realistically, that to do that I may have to gain a pound or two. Not all of my weight back, just a little bit. However, I have gone down every day, even if I just lost a tenth of a pound. Today I was 144.1 pounds. I think that is my metabolism saying it's perfectly fine. This means I may be able to constrict a lot sooner than I would have thought and go back into losing. not yet though. The heat is unbearable and even knowing I am perfectly hydrated, I have felt very sick. I get hot for no reason. Then I get a headache. Then my stomach starts to get upset. Doesn't matter if I am full or empty. I am not sure why this is but I don't think there is much I can do about it other than keep my eating semi regular for a few more days to let it calm down.
I have to work tomorrow. I have Sunday off, and then I work every day until Friday. Pay day was today but I will get my pay check when I go in tomorrow morning. I have lunch shift except for Thursday when I work dinner shift. Also, my friend from work has the same shift as me tomorrow and Monday so I can get a ride.
My month bus pass has expired and I need to get a new pass but I was too lazy to get it today. It would mean getting up at the right hours to ride all the way to the other side of town to get a card, and then coming all the way back. This includes 20 minutes to walk to the bus stop, and the same on the way back. In this heat? I would get car sick. So I am not sure when I am going to do this or feel up to it.
I am not sure exactly how much money is in my account, or how much money I will be getting in my paycheck. If my paycheck is big enough I might be able to get myself that new mp3 player I have been wanting. I am already tired of taking...

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Hm. I think my appetite is coming back.
H is being a pain. No I do not want gluten free cereal thank you very much. But he's like, I'll get you some anyways. And then he got mad when I pushed it. I don't want cereal right now. Sigh. Hopefully he will leave me alone again now. It wasn't even an argument, just him being edgy when I refused something he wanted to do nice for me. Stupid.
My appetite came back before all of that though, so it doesn't have to do with my mood.
He also just asked me if I wanted a hug. No.
Do you want company? No.
Do you want anything? No.
Why can't he leave me alone?!
I do feel sort of depressed. I was doing fine for a while. Maybe I ate something I wasn't supposed to and it set me off... But I know I didn't.
The old man took one of my two onions from home. Home grown onions are not the same as store bought and I hate that he took it. I only have $200 for food this month. He has his own job with up to 40 hours a week, a disability paycheck, and K has already said she would get him food off of her food card. He also took one of my tomatoes. I hate when he takes my food. I hate it. And I can't face him about it because it is stupid. He gets to do whatever he wants because it's his apartment. The old man doesn't want me to pay rent anymore. That, to me, is a sign that I am out soon. He's trying to be nice, but as soon as I make a big enough mistake I am out. The rent was keeping me grounded here.
I don't think I will be able to get my own apartment. Low income apartment programs have long waiting lists. There is no way to move out any time soon with my income. The waiting list is years long. Seriously. By then I would have a better job and my own place at normal rent, or be on the streets or dead. Screw that.
I don't want to be enthusiastic at the moment. Things just feel like crap.
That blanket he gave me, its his. As soon as we were broken up he took it back. I was so attached to that blanket. He gave it to me, and now it never happened. That makes me mad. It's stupid, but it makes me mad.
I hate all of this.
Hey guys, my food card got refilled today. I just checked and hour ago and I got $200 to spend on food this month. I will try and make it last.
I went to the store and had every opportunity to get everything unhealthy. Nothing was stopping me from getting something sweet, even if it had gluten in it. But I didn't.
I got some gluten free bread at 80-90 calories per slice I think.
Then I got a head of iceberg lettuce, sliced zero calorie pickles, a tiny can of black olives, sliced...
I don't know how many calories those are but I can check...
And I got a large thing of apple cider because it had a few less calories than the regular apple juice and the first ingredient was actually water, which means it had more water than any other ingredient, and I need more water. I won't be counting calories when it comes to the apple cider though.
Perhaps it was around 110 per serving, 8 servings, but it won't be all gone in a day, probably not even two or three. I shared some with K anyways and will continue to share it. I can't go by the $7 a day plan since I already spent more than that on supplies I can't get during the night. But I brought them home and don't plan on touching them until after dark. It's weird, but I can't get myself to eat any more or my parent's delicious little tomatoes, even though they are super low calorie. I still feel like I would be eating too much.
I am looking forward to my sandwich for later though. It should be a total of under 300 calories, and it will fill me up. That is two pieces of the gluten free bread, which should be most of the calories, and some of all of my vegetables, which I am sure cannot add up to very much. I mean, pickles and mustard are basically no calories. Lettuce I think is maybe 5 calories for a leaf. Tomato, 15 calories. Onion, let's say 10 calories tops, and that's if I put two slices on it. The olives... they sound like they might be a bit more calories but let's say that and whatever else that goes on will take up the remainder.
So for today's total, we'll say 200 for the cider, 400 in meals. That is 600 calories total for the day.
If I eat something after that, it's okay. I am allowed. If not, good.
But I mean, I need to fix my metabolism a little bit more if I want to keep losing significant amounts. I hope 600 isn't too much over whatever I ate yesterday or the day before. If I go up slowly, then my weight won't go up and I can fix my metabolism hopefully.
Anyways, this is my plan. 400 in food may not be enough I suppose, but let's just see how things go.
Sorry that was a lot of numbers...
Thank you to The Lovely Bones, Emma Phoenix, and Rayya for commenting lately. I really enjoy them and they brighten up my day quite a bit. I am being pretty enthusiastic lately and it is helping. Also, the suggestion to do an anime character my sister likes for her birthday is a good one. I might just do that for real. It still has to do with what picture I can use though, and what manga she is interested in at moment...
I am still keeping the $100 shopping spree in as an option, but I may not have the money for it...
Emma Phoenix, I am not sure this size six is the same size as a regular size six you find in the store. I end up with a ton of each size and some are way too small and some are way too big and it's confusing. I am not sure I believe I am in a real size six lol. So I am under the impression that I am still in size 8 but who knows. Maybe I am in shock from fitting into it...
Thanks, all of you!
And Rayya, I really miss hearing from you!
Love you all!
This morning I weighed in at 144.5 pounds.
I have lost about a pound and a half in the last two days. It is going to slow down remarkably I think.
H came back late last night and woke me up, but I fell right back asleep so it was fine. He's trying to be really playful and I guess it's called flirting, but I don't really care either way. I may be succeeding in making him feel like a friend to me. I don't hate him or dislike him and I don't love him or like him. I like it when he is gone because then I have a little more freedom, but otherwise I am pretty neutral.
I decided I needed to have breakfast today. I had one small tomato sliced up, and some organic chips. The tomato was about 16 calories I found out. The chips I counted out to be 80 calories. So my total calories so far is 96- under 100 calorie breakfast. The chips taste really nice with these delicious tomatoes...
I stopped by my parent's house yesterday and got some vegetables from their garden. I got tomatoes. Then my mom gave me a giant bag of potatoes, but sadly not the delicious home grown ones. I got two of the garden grown onions, which are probably the tastiest onions ever. Then she let me take some of her canned peaches, since peaches are my favorite, and a jar of her homemade salsa, also canned, and made from all natural vegetables, probably mostly from our garden from previous years. Last year's batch wasn't very spicy but it still tastes good. It's like, a ton of chopped up, home grown vegetables in a watery solution that picked up juices from all of them, and it tastes really good, and is really healthy.
I need to check to see whether my food card is refilled, because I would love to go to the store and get some gluten free bread to put my vegetables on. The bread tastes good to me, it doesn't taste quite like normal bread because the texture is wrong, but it tastes healthy which is especially appealing to me right now. They are small bread pieces, maybe the size of my palm, with low calories. Hopefully I can make a small sandwich with just vegetables and have it as one meal. It should fill me up and be minimum calories.
On another subject, I wore my jeans to bed like I usually do, because pajamas take up too much room here and I don't have many anyways, and my size ten jeans were way too big. They were only slightly loose yesterday but I woke up and was drowning in them. So I looked for another pair of jeans, checked the size, put it on... It was slightly snug, but not tight to the pound that I felt it would rip when I sat down, or cut off my ability to circulate blood. This pair of pants was a size six. SIX.
I am so proud of myself it's ridiculous.
Hope everyone is doing well!

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

My little sister turns 16 in February.
That is an important birthday, and she is important anyways and I want to do something special, or at least get her something special. She dreams to become a great artist too so I think it rubs her the wrong way when I try to show her my art, which I honestly do not mind. Anyone else, maybe. Her? Let her dream. Drawing isn't my dream anyways.
I am thinking a painting might be acceptable though. I think she is only new at painting and might feel closer to drawing anyways. I have always felt it was different anyways. I just have a hard time finishing paintings. My only finished painting took me three whole days. It was the bears on a sled painting I did for the old man for Christmas last year, and then I was burned out. So time is an issue...
I did promise her a $100 shopping spree at the mall when I got a job but I do kind of have a low income... I think I will start a jar for her. I have September, October, November, December, January, and then almost two weeks of February. That is what, five months? I need to save up $20 a month then. It is her dream. Any girl who has never had a job and never been blessed in the money department at her age... It would be a dream come true for her. I like it.
Any other idea? Please throw them my way. She does not have a lot of friends and is on depression and ADD meds. In fact, I should say she really has no friends after they all did that awful thing to her a few years ago... She considers me her bestie, and I know I just repeated myself, but I am so proud, or I guess honored? Anyways. Always been overweight and tall. She was over 200 last time I checked but going on down. She has never had tons of cute clothes like me, where I just collect them from friends and thrift stores somehow... My mom always got her huge flowery clothes in my mom's fashion, perhaps to cover the weight? Idk. She has a new found addiction to female things, which is interesting because it came on so suddenly with puberty. She had never really been very girly. Loves shoes and chocolate, probably addicted to it so I won't indulge that...
She is very head strong, knows what she wants out of life. Always changing what she want's to be when she grows up. She is also very sensitive towards men. Like, to an extreme. Maybe some of this is my fault, because I have always spoken like a sexist, which maybe I can be at times. I think it will be okay though. She is so fragile and special to me I want to protect her from everything, more so than anyone else in the family lately. She is strong, but underneath it all she is so, so fragile.
I know she could never get an eating disorder. She will never start counting calories, she just eats when she is hungry and tries to eat healthier foods more lately and exercise some which is great.
I am explaining all of this by the way, so that you guys can get a better sense of who she is. I want to explain her because she is so special to me.
We used to argue a ton and I used to be one of her bullies in middle school, maybe as far back as elementary school. I was awful. It took years, and I always felt like she would never trust me or treat me like a sister anymore. I had to earn everything she gives me now. I had to earn her trust, her forgiveness, and her friendship and love. I can't believe I had been so awful as to call her fat. I would make her cry so hard. I regret that. I was in an awful place too though, not that it's an excuse. It's so interesting, because now, as you all know me, or if you don't yet, I have the softest, most gentle heart of anyone. I couldn't hurt a fly or I would feel guilty. She calls it chronic niceness or something.
Anyways, as I was saying, she is very fragile. She is sensitive when it comes to her emotions but she is not easily pushed into things or influenced. She has her standards about her and they are immovable.
She has not been able to like any guys for so long. They would all bully her. She would feel as if they could never see her because she was fat. She literally felt that no once could treat her normally because of her weight. I say weight, not looks, because she looks really good even as heavy as she is. She has a good bone structure, and no matter what number on the scale, she has a great hourglass figure. Mine isn't quite the same. Her hair us unmanageable at times, always thick, brown and tangled. She has very, very thick brown hair that is always frizzy and curly.
She has a crush on a boy from church but is too scared to even mention a name. She will always be admiring him from afar. I'm not sure she can put herself out there for a guy ever. She has been hurt so much in the past. A random boy once ran past her in the hallway in middle school and called her a fat ass.
Everyone bullies her. She is bullied badly at school sometimes. She has already grown to be socially cut off. She doesn't like doing things in a group, even with just her sisters. She hardly comes out of her room. She completely submerges herself in books and mangas. She escapes.
Her temper is adorable. She stomps and screams and acts like a child and it's funny. I have gotten her to learn to laugh at herself in that state which makes things much less intense for her. Sometimes she rants about things and uses a big word only mispronounces it so it's another word, which makes the entire sentence just funny. She says she finally understands why I was so rebellious when I was her age, and says she has taken over my position in the house. I have reason to believe my other sisters might be saying mean things to her. I know one of the twins can be really brutal to everyone.
She realizes why I am uncomfortable around our dad and does the same kind of act. I am nicer to him now and let him hug me and say "I love you" back. We use those words and lots of hugs a lot in this house. She still runs when he offers a hug and generally acts like any act of affection is too uncool for her.
Last time I went home, she was the only one to stick around and hang out with me as much as she could. She evenly let me sit in her lap since she is bigger now. It was for a good amount of time and I was afraid I would hurt her legs but she didn't ever complain or make me get off.
One time I went home very upset, this was months ago, and I came int he front door and just burst out crying and she was on the couch laying down, reading. She had me climb into her lap and held me, let me curl up and cry on her shoulder. She actually comforted me. She never used to be so intimate. Now she will let me have hugs and sit close. I am also the only one she is happy to let into my room. I am so proud of how much she has accomplished. She is stronger than me I think. She may be stronger than I will ever be.
Anyways, sorry to get all teary and talk so much about her. She is just a lovely person. I was wrong to try and explain her. I could never capture what she is in words.
I hope you guys don't mind this post too much. I am missing her a lot lately. I have a very hard time going over there, and I am not allowed to have anyone over here. That is one of the main reasons why I want my own apartment. I want my girls' nights with my sisters back...
Sorry again for the... well, I am sure this isn't fun to read, so if you got to the end I would be amazed. I'm done now.
So, I am 5 foot 6 inches now I think. That's what the nurse said but she used her hand to level the top of my head against the measuring thing, so I can never be too sure. I think I am at least an inch taller though. I have noticed because K says I seem taller and I don't remember being this much taller than her.
At 5' 6" and 146 pounds at last weight in, my BMI would be 23.6
Now remember-

Underweight=    18.5 and below
Normal weight= 18.5- 24.9
Overweight=      25- 29.9
Obese=             30 and greater

Here is a link to a BMI calculator for you guys in case you don't know how to calculate it yourself. I can't remember at present the formula but I wrote it down in a notebook last year I think, and besides, it isn't an easy formula to calculate. I used a calculator once and charted every single pound down to 96 pounds from 200, listing the BMI and outlining the areas where I slipped into a new category. It was very neat... As In organized looking I mean. Here's the link:
http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/

The weight I became normal weight at-
154 pounds. So all along I was within normal range. Comforting, but at the same time, I didn't feel normal weight.

The weight I become underweight at-
114.5 pounds. That is actually reassuring. It means I can hit my goal weight for January first 2013, New Years Day, without looking underweight hopefully. I mean, they can complain about me losing weight, but as long as I am within a normal range, I have control I hope. I just hope no one who loves me freaks out too much... I mean, my little sister, whom I absolutely adore, told me she believes I can get to 120 by then. She doesn't think it is unrealistic. Her goal is more like 150 and I support her fully. She considers me her best, and most of the time, only friend.
Which reminds me... Check out my next post. I am doing all of this thinking in sections, so as not to bore the hell outta anyone. I have a hard time following long posts, but maybe too many is hard to follow too? Oh well. This blog is more for me than anyone else. It's like therapy to me, but I would be so sad if no one commented or followed... I am sharing a diary with everyone basically...
Enough rambling. Love you all!
Why am I finding it so easy to not eat? I don't know.
All I know, is no one usually gets past day two, three if they are lucky. This is just in my experience. Then they crave food like crazy and binge until their weight is back up. I am not sure when that will kick in for me, but I expect it will. Am I wrong about the two day thing? Please call me out if I'm wrong.
Anyways, I feel like the 140's is a somewhat permanent thing now. I think I might be able to lose a few more pounds before the food craving thing comes back.
I think my thing is, I am not telling myself to not eat. I am not struggling to control how much I eat. I can go and get food anytime I want. I keep telling myself, you don't have self control, you just don't have money and so you are starving. But there are a few things that make me wonder in this. For example, I have food right here next to the bed. It just requires fast preparation. Like I have ramen noodles, and three or four kinds of soups. The soups usually have dairy and noodles, which is gluten, but that never stopped me before. The ramen noodles are filling, and it would require water to make the broth. Water is good for me. I actually am dehydrated today too. But the noodles have gluten in them. But that never stopped me before either. I mean, you read my posts. Just about a week ago I made two packs of ramen noodles. And I haven't had the soup in long enough to be sick of it. Soup tastes good and is low in calories. Why don't I have some when I get hungry again tonight? When it gets to a point, I find I have to eat or throw up again. Throwing up that often would have the same effect of bulimia.
Even weirder, I haven't needed to look at thinspo pictures, or videos. I haven't been shut down by music. I am not even sure if I can feel much. I am not extremely depressed. I have no desire to attempt suicide or swallow too many pills to fix my problems. I have not had my anxiety meds since my last doctor's appointment. That was when? At least a week ago... I have to make a new appointment, they said two weeks after my latest one to check on my new meds. They are watching me on meds more carefully this time, which I am grateful.  I will have to schedule it when I can figure out my work schedule for whatever week that is. I might have been to the doctors on Friday. I know it was on a Friday, I just can't think whether it was this last one or earlier. I think this last one. I will wait three weeks unless I am finding serious complications from the med, that way my mom won't have to pay as much. They will weigh me again, but I am not too worried about that. I can either say I haven't had the money to, which might get by since it is mostly true, or I can say I have been so happy I forget to eat, which may be closer to the truth, or that I am working out a ton lately and I have a busy life. Either way, all I have to do is talk about being hungry and getting something fatty to eat afterwards, maybe pretend to drool over the thought of a hamburger and they will think nothing of it. I am within a healthy weight range now, though.
I am worried about hitting 120 and being too bony. I must admit, I do feel there is a point at which the body gets too skinny to look good at all. Think everyone's idea of anorexia skinny. I actually do not find that nice at all, I am sure most of you will agree it looks unhealthy. So I will see as I go. I am startled by the appearance of my bones so early on in my weight loss, so it is an uncertain thing for me how much I will lose, but my aim is 120. If I feel like I am fine before then, I will stop. If I feel like I could lose a little more, I will continue. Knowing that I am now a little taller though throws off my BMI.
I think my mood may be lightening up.Did I tell you guys I bought myself a new nail polish? I haven't in months so if I mentioned it recently that would be it. But I can't remember so I will recap. I was bored, waiting for D to get off of work and ended up getting it for about $2 or around there. It is a greenish blue, the kind you all know I am in love with. My phone does not take good pictures of it to capture the color so I can't post a pic. Since I can't do my finger nails, which are growing so fast and a bit thicker now, I decided to do my toenails. I shaped them better and the color is flimsy and requires a lot of coats. I didn't coat it a ton because I was impatient, but it did turn out a lovely ice blue with just the slightest shade of green in it if you look really closely. It felt nice to incorporate some color into my life. It stays on my toenails better than my fingernails anyways.
This is  long post so I will continue in another one. I wanted to talk about my new BMI's.
Ganbatte!
Slap to the face from high school life all of a sudden. I knew I shouldn't have put on that music. Any single song can completely send me back to a time, just like a smell or a TV show, or a movie... a book. It's ridiculous but I am feeling a bit dark and I took a shower last night but I feel disgusting. Yeah. I took a shower for the first time in forever. I hate baths now. Think of all the disgusting germs that I was just soaking in, germs from other people and things washed up from the drain like another giant hair ball. So gross.
I didn't sleep at all and it is 10:30 in the morning. Took my meds with a 50 calories rice cake, apple cinnamon flavored. Three or four nibbles in and I am staring this thing down, trying to figure out how to make myself eat it before I leave. Otherwise I might dry heave in the car, or pass out. Screw that.
Remember how this used to be my favorite song and then listening to it would send me into a panic attack? PTSD. He gave me PTSD from what he did to me at the beginning of the year. I don't even want him anymore. I want out. I want to mutilate my skin. I wish I had shaved my under arms and my legs. I feel so unclean and disgusting.
I want a job with long sleeves and winter all around so I can cut and shred my arms until there is no skin, just dripping, drying blood gushing out into bandages, helping me to cope and feel again, and to feel better. Maybe I just need the color. Maybe I need the pain so that my life will come back into focus.
I don't think I will ever not be fucked up. When I have no guy to chase after I am lost. What if I shift my emotions to someone I don't want to be with?
All I had last night after throwing up stomach bile was that potato and maybe two handfuls of sour cream and onion chips. I worry about how many calories that must be. Chips always throw me off. I hope I don't gain. Since I didn't sleep last night, I can't wake up and weigh myself. I have to wait until tomorrow. Today is going to be a bit rough. Especially if D, the guy from work who wants to help me can't keep his hands and fingers to himself. What is it with this guy and his obsession to feel every scar and bone he can see?!?!?!
Then he will ask me what's wrong, and if I am okay constantly. Everyone should know that I absolutely hate that. If I want to talk about something, nothing is stopping me. If I even trust someone enough to want them to know what is going on... Wait I can't think of anyone like that. Screw it.
And I can't find a large Tshirt of my own so I have to fucking wear H's to cover my shoulders and cleavage because I am sick of showing the world everything. The more he sees, the more he touches.
Oh. H is at R's again by the way. Since... oh day before yesterday.
But anyways, I hate when people bug me about my feelings. He will push it too, like he always does- D I mean. I don't mind if he takes lead but if he wants to tell me what to do and fucking man handle me and force me or even pressure me to do anything, including talking when I don't give a shit. He has another thing coming.
I'll stop now. I am obviously not in a pleasant mood. Everything hurts. I feel so sick right now, and since I have stopped eating much. But I don't care. The results as seen on the scale and my body are too great for me to cease. And I figured out why I don't look as much as I weigh. It's because I have a small waist but my butt and thighs, and around my hips are fat as shit. Also, I think maybe my hips are too wide to ever be as skinny as I like. Fuck it if I have "birthing hips" like K says I do. She can go to hell because she will never look like me the hag.
Out.

Monday, September 3, 2012

I was feeling so nauseous that I went into the bathroom and was dry heaving over the toilet. And then I threw up stomach acid. So I have to eat. I made up one of H's mashed potato things, and this kind is only 180 calories. I need to spread out my calories perhaps so I can still restrict but not get sick anymore. This has been going on for four days or so now and today it reached a point where I threw up so I should be careful.
I need to drink more water too, especially if I want acid bile taste out of my mouth and throat.
This is a post for Rayya and anyone else who has such a hard time with sweets.
I just thought I would provide some useful information. I know a little on this subject but not enough for my usual informational paragraph so I am going to do a little research now...

This is my experience.
I have found that lately, since I have been watching my food at least a little more closely in the past five days, my mood has improved. It is easier to find enthusiasm and motivation to do things, and when I go shopping, sugary sweets actually hold no appeal to me and I find myself craving vegetables and healthier foods.
Even when eating chips, the organic ones look tastier to me.

First thing. Sugar is basically a drug. It activates the same chemicals in your brain that ingesting heroin and morphine do. Not cool.
Sugar is addictive.
I found this on Wikipedia on the subject of sugar addiction.

On the subject of chocolate, it can actually help your brain release the chemical called serotonin into your body, which is the chemical that produces the emotion happiness. If used to make yourself happy it would almost be considered self medicating, and there is an actual withdrawal when you stop eating it sometimes.
People who are addicted to chocolate can have increased depression and anxiety.
This is my explanation of some of the finer points in the article here.

Now, obviously I am not an expert, but these sites show some good information. Anyone who is finding trouble with these things might benefit from doing a little research themselves. And I must say, if you are depressed, anxious, or have any kind of mood issue, you should really look into eating better.

Rayya, you are right. I should seriously consider cutting out gluten completely. I like my vegetables in sandwiches but there are low calorie breads specially made gluten free. Celiac's disease, or an intolerance to gluten, can in some cases actually cause bipolar disorder and things like that. I need to try and eat a little healthier...

I have read that if you stay away from chocolate for a number of days you can beat the cravings. I myself used to eat chocolate a lot, and I would feel awful without it and get some any time I could, which was at least once every week if not every day. I don't know how I stopped, but even now when I eat chocolate it hurts some of my teeth, so I don't eat it very much.
Perhaps I am just good at pushing my thoughts in a healthier direction and that's why I want vegetables and things more and more lately.

This article is pretty useful. It has information on how to overcome a chocolate addiction. It covers the whole thing, including, what are the symptoms and how it can be affecting your health.

I hope I helped someone out there!
K is back but H is not. I wonder if she will even notice I have lost some weight...
Probably not out loud if so.
But I know she bugs me when she thinks I am not eating so this might be a problem. H doesn't bug me anymore about it, but since I am going out with that friend who messaged me last night, to look for apartments tomorrow, I can always say I ate with him. I need to give him a letter. D for determined? That will work. Let's try and remember it now...
Okay so last night was weird but I am not in a mood to talk about it. The only thing I want to bring up is that this guy will never be a potential boyfriend because of a few very unappealing things he does, and I'm not interested at all. But he is determined to help me out so if he comes through for me, it would benefit me greatly to be his friend.
That said, last night I had a bag of chips. I can't remember whether it was 300 or 400 calories, but that's moot since I lost again. I think it was 300... But that is the only thing I ate.
I must say it is so hard to swallow my new med. It's too big. I have a hard time swallowing the tiny blue birth control ones without gagging as it is. I was thinking about eating a little something to make it go down better but felt that it would set off my chemicals and make me want to eat all day. I was going to go to my parent's house to do some laundry and I am going to call to ask if I still can, but my dad called earlier when I was sleeping in and I was just anxious as hell so I said never mind. I am not sure if I will be able to eat normally if I go there. Normally as in not eat all day. In fact, I am pretty sure if I went over to my parent's house I would eat whatever, and I am on a nice streak of weight loss so I don't want to screw it up.
Okay I'll stop stalling. Today I am 146.1 pounds. I would say that is an all time low weight. Yay!
What is that? A two pound weight loss again? Wow it is.
So, since the 29th of August, five days ago, when I weighed in after eating at 155.8 pounds, I have lost nearly ten pounds. Ten pounds in five days. I really turned it around, didn't I?
Well, now I will recalculate my progress for new years.
119 days until new years now.
26 pounds to lose.
119 divided by 26 is 4.577 about.
That means, in order to lose weight steadily until I reach my goal, I would have to lose one pound every four and a half days. I really changed that one. I am impressed by myself. Really I am.
My food card hasn't been refilled yet though. I am worried that I will push my calorie limit, even with just $7 a day. The weird thing is though, I went over to the gas station last night and got chips, but what I really wanted was one of the sandwiches there. And soda. I left and realized I should have gotten myself some kind of drink, even if it was more water based so that I could get better hydrated. Oh well. I just find it interesting that so many days without sweets like chocolate, and they don't have any appeal to me anymore. I mean, if I at something like that I would probably enjoy it, but looking through the isles trying to find something appetizing, I only want to eat healthier foods. I want a vegetable sandwich... With mushrooms, pickles, onions, green pepper, lettuce, and I love tomatoes...
Vegetables are a good amount of money so I could easily go low calorie if I decide to get some of that. But the vegetables are at the store that takes about half an hour or more to walk to and the same back. And I would need to get a loaf of bread then, and bread is a binge food for me. Also, I probably shouldn't have bread because if I am gluten intolerant, they could seriously affect my mood and my stomach would hurt a lot.
Hm. Oh well. I know I can use some self control.
Last night I am pretty sure those chips were gluten free... actually no. I should check next time I go over there. I thought they were one of the more healthy organic brands or something. I will check that too. I need to be eating healthier foods... And I am thinking that meat is so many calories I may just choose to stay away from it unless it is the flavoring in something that I can figure out the calories of. That would be safe.
Anyways, I've been rambling again...
I need to go flavor some water and cool it in the fridge for a while. I chugged the water I had last night which hurt my stomach. Oops. But it is a lot more pleasant to drink when it is flavored and cool.
Ganbatte!
H left for his brother's and now I am in panic mode.

Oh. What do you need of me love ask and you shall get

Eh nothing I just panicked and needed to tell someone that I did not feel okay. Never mind go back to bed.


I am here. I am always here for you.


I just have a hard time dealing with unexpected things and now I will be alone for who knows how long and I don't want to go home tomorrow at all.

My place is always open you know that. I am here for you. Unless you send me away. Or I get injured I will always be there for you


Yeah but you live so far away. I am out walking now. I fucking hate that place. I am going to get food. I just feel wild and destructive and I hate it.

If I came and picked you up would you feel alright here?

No.

What can I do for you love? The only way I know to deal with wild and destructive won't help here.

You should go to bed so you won't be tired when you have to work tomorrow. There is nothing you can do to help. I would just destroy you like I did my ex.

Really. Unless you hospitalize me you won't break me. I've been to absolute rock bottom before.

I don't know how to help me. If I did I would be like this in the first place. The only person I can ever trust to be 100% reliable is me.

I am here for you love. Always. Rain or shine. Day or night. If you call for me I will come. If you need my shoulder it is yours. If you need a bed you have mine. I am here for you. And I want to be there for you.

Destroying someone is easy. All you have to do is get to their heart. Make someone love you and on their insides they will break into a million pieces just by watching you in your own torment.

You think I would be that easy?

Maybe not. But in all the time it would take to do it I would like you more even just as a person and then I would be tormented more watching you suffer.

I wouldn't be that easy.

Getting you in bed would be easy. Then what if I got pregnant and decided it was just a fuck. Easy isn't the issue. What do you want me to do right now.

Pain is part of life. I live with it. Thrive with it. I have learned to enjoy it.

I haven't learned to like pain nor do I ever want to. You didn't answer my question.

Getting me to bed would be easy yes. If all you wanted was a fuck. That would be fine. If you got pregnant that would be amazing actually. If you wanted the child for yourself I wouldn't stop you. I would want to be in their life. But I wouldn't stop you. Me, I want you to feel better. If that means chewing on me then so be it. I am here for you thick and thin. Good and bad. Rough and smooth.

But what do I do right now. I'm going to be up all night whether I want to be or not just pacing with my fingers and toes numb from the cold.

My suggestion if to curl up with someone you trust. Right now I want to go to you. Wrap you up in a blanket and tell you it's going to be okay. To keep you warm even if I get cold.

My phone is dying and I don't want to go back to plug it in. I don't want to cuddle. I don't want to go to your place. I wouldn't mind seeing you but you need to sleep for work today.

I know I do, unfortunately if I came to you, you would need to come to my place so I could sleep. I want nothing more than to see you right now. I want to hear your voice. I'm rambling so I need to stop before I say something stupid

Go to bed.

Night love. Talk to you tomorrow. If you need me to come in early tell me.

I've had my heart broken by more than one person and I'm brittle. H wasn't my first love. I'm warning you I may never return your feelings for me.

That's okay. Remember I am used to my feelings not being returned.

Get me out of here soon please. I want someone to help me and tell me what to do sometimes. I don't want to be here. That is the first thing you can do for me.

I will help you. I will get you out of there. I swear on my honor I will
I will get you out of there as soon as I can. I want to move you in for your safety. I want to be there for you. And well if you really wanted me to I could decide things for you. Tuesday we are going to hit the pavement to get you an apartment.

I really thought since he attempted suicide in the navy when his fiance lost their baby and left him for someone else it would do something more than that...
I have no clue what I am doing with all of this but I had to store it somewhere so I could come back and figure out what was going on but now I am too tired. His is the green text and mine should be white.
Comment please! 
It's a few hours until bed time and I am considering just not eating for the day because I really don't want to, but if I don't eat anything today my metabolism will screw me over when someone forces me to eat or I decide to eat a little something in the future. I mean, I can't survive without food. Eventually I would die. But there has to be a balance where I can still have an okay metabolism to lose weight daily but still survive. I will try and find something small in calories...
Hopefully if I get out of control and eat too much, it won't be enough to make me maintain, or worse, gain, by morning.
I am afraid at this point, even 400-600 calories could make me gain. It's happened before. I do need to eat something.
Sigh. All I have had today is water. I will update on what happens later on.
Maybe I should consider maintaining and then introducing food back so that my metabolism will come back and I will be able to lose well again, from the point that I am at.
I am somewhat proud of myself though. I have proved to myself that I am good enough and that I can succeed. I don't need to prove anything to anyone but myself, and then anyone who is concerned one way or another can either fall in step behind, beside, or away from me. That's how life works anyways. You can't make everyone like you although it would be nice.
I think I may actually be wearing a pair of size 10's that I was uncomfortable in before...
I think I have a smaller size of jeans in my drawer. I am going to try that on soon.
Work did not go well but I need to keep my enthusiasm about me...
Gambatte! (Go for it! Try your best!)

Sunday, September 2, 2012

This is a really stupid question to ask but does anyone know my low weight? It should be somewhere in my last month or so of posts but I can't find it. I remember getting below 150 but I can't remember an exact number with a decimal to mark it with. I usually keep track but this time somehow I didn't...
I want to know when I hit a new low weight so I can feel accomplished when I do. I guess if I hit below 145 that would be a new low weight, but now I want to know the exact number. Boo.
Eh. I'll look again later. I don't have time now. :/
148.4 pounds this morning. I don't feel good at all but I have to take the bus to work today and walk a ways. My computer says it is 67 degrees F outside but I am not sure... The high is 76 for today. Hey that's not that bad actually considering we have been in the 80's and 90's lately. I am glad I looked now.
Anyways. My stomach is very upset still and I am not actually sure it is dehydration anymore. It might have been the coffee from yesterday with dairy in it...
Okay so here is my complete honesty about yesterday.
Solid food's I ate- Some kind of bacon and cheddar mashed potato that comes from a package- it said it was 200 calories. I only ate this because I was feeling incredibly sick and didn't want to have to eat something this morning and screw up my entire day, just so that I wouldn't pass out at work. H actually pretty much forced me to eat it.
Besides that, the only thing I had was a coffee that the old man got me that looked slushy based. I have no clue how many calories that was but I am not extremely worried as I did lose about a pound since yesterday and I really feel as if crushed ice made up a lot of it, which is just more water into my system and besides that it was a liquid.
I haven't eaten anything today at all, like my plan, and it works remarkably well. I mean, I will have to see how much control I have once my card gets refilled because last time I went crazy with it, but I like my new plan of walking to the store and making my limit $7. Then I can get an expensive snack, diet food snack, or really any snack, and a drink which is usually a few dollars, and that would be it for the day and my total may be high, but if I am careful I can still make it less than 1500 calories. If it is below that, I think I will lose weight because mathematically... eh never mind.
Also, because I am allowing myself to eat something, like I said the other day, I will not feel as if every food I eat is not allowed, and won't go on a crazy binge, craving it.
It is working so far. But another pound or so and I will be right where I got before when I binged my way back up. I must make sure to keep myself completely under control and in check.
After today, I only work Thursday this week. Tuesday I get to look for apartments again. I don't know what I will do the other days but I must find a way to keep myself busy. I want a camera so I can take a ton of pictures and show everyone everything.
My phone is filled up on pictures and it doesn't take very clear ones anyways. I may have a friend who can let me borrow one but I hate borrowing because then I am always owing it to them back. I hate that I haven't finished this painting I promised to H too. I feel as if, if I finished it, I can finally leave and not have any attachments to him. I wouldn't owe him anymore. Maybe the world will let me leave once I finish it.
Also, this guy from work said it would be fun to dress me up in a ton of outfits and take pictures of me in different situations around town. I should be creeped out but it sounds fine to me. I mean, I never had anyone to take pictures of me anywhere or in anything, so then I can lose weight and have good, full body pictures of myself. And then I can share them with all of you as thinspo. The issue is finding a ton of cute clothes though lol. I am sure I can put SOMETHING together...
Okay I need to go take a shower and start to get ready. Love you all.
Let's do our best!
My enthusiasm has gone down, everyone is asleep so I have no one to talk to online, and H and his dad have gone to the store and it feels like they have been gone an awfully long time. K is still at her mom's.
I am super dehydrated too. I think that's what it is anyways. 64 degrees outside and the window is open and the fan blowing through it and I am overheating. And my head hurts, I am dizzy, nauseous... But then again... All I have had today is a coffee that the old man wanted to get me. Saw two friends today. Talked a lot...
My excitement has calmed down enough that I am worried. Not depressed, but worried. It suddenly feels a little alone but not quite lonely. I am trying to force down some water. Sip here, sip there.
My card gets filled today or tomorrow... I have to work again today. Keep in mind, today is the second now.
I am worried with all this enthusiasm and good spirits, something super awful is going to happen...
Oh well.
Love you all!
I have faith in you!
Let's try our hardest.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

I am so enthusiastic about life right now, but at the back of my mind I am terrified that something bad is going to happen...
Work was... Idk. I won't say I am not afraid of being fired but...
I weighed in at under 150 today. I can't remember the number but eh. Tomorrow will be lower again, I just know it!
Here is some of my enthusiasm for all of you. I have a lot right now so I am hoping I can share a little bit of it.
Eh the coffee was probably dairy... Oops, tummy ache lol.
I work again tomorrow. I will try my best!
First day of my new med for ADHD. I think it may be helping a little but after a friend showing up at work and saying hi, for some reason my mood raised a lot. I think I love working, as long as I don't make too many mistakes and make trouble. I may have grown another inch which changes the BMI's but oh well. :)
Ah lol I am talking to tooooo many people at once but I just want to talk to everyone today!!!
Worried though. Idk why...
Anyways. Lost my train of thought. Maybe I will post again later if I find I have forgotten something...
I need to comment but I am soooo busy ahhhh. Promise to get around to it. Really.
Newest thinspo post!
Try this on for size.










Slight curious note here. Can you wear this without like this for real??? I would think if you leaned forward... :o








Just a thought... again... but Google image search vogue. Tons of great thinspo right there.