Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Why the fuck is a twix candy bar 500 calories???
I'm horrified at myself.
I was watching Super Size Me, convinced it would gross me out but I was already hungry when I started it. It was not well thought through.
I mean, anyone asks me what I ate for dinner and I say, "A twix and a small bag of organic chips (gluten free)." That makes me look like I ate too little.
The little bag of chips is 290 total. I was like, well if I'm going to binge on chips I won't buy a whole bag because then I would eat it all and be thousands over the limit. But I didn't look at the twix until after I left. I guess I was stuck in binge mode and didn't care. Even as I knew I shouldn't be eating it, I ate one piece slowly, looked at the other thinking I should try to give it away to someone, and then I shoved it in too.
790 calorie binge. Fuck sake.
Sigh. Oh well...
One entire day wasted. Another failure...
I am trying to slow the massive cravings down by drinking diet coke... I keep looking around trying to find something to eat.

800+ from this morning and 790 just now...
1590 calories for the day. That calms me down a little. I have had worse days. A lot worse. I have had 5,000+ binge days before. I have also had zero calorie days when I walked the hallway for hours and hours. I like the old days. Back then I had an mp3 player to listen to. I could go for hours and hours with the comfort of my bedroom a few steps away should I tire. I would walk until I was nearly passed out from exhaustion, and my legs would be numb and wobbly...
If I just had music!
It won't be too long now before I can buy my own mp3 player. Next paycheck I will need it all for bus money and rent, and then the one after that, I can buy an mp3 player. So about a month. Sigh again...
The chips are gone and I still keep reaching into the bag.
You know what, I think I am going to try and do some exercises here in bed. H is in the other room and I am all alone with the door shut, and I can get onto the radio with my computer but I don't have a favorite selection of music saved anywhere yet.
Today was already better than yesterday. That's a start.
I went a long time without food, being hungry. That's a small success, but still a success nonetheless.
I am going to exercise. That is a serious change. I am usually to lazy to put in the smallest effort.
I'm trying to sit here and think of a good exercise to do on a mattress with no floor space in a room where anyone can walk in at any moment and I can't be too noisy...
I might just try jumping jacks and running in place.
Either way I need to work HARDER.

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