This is in response to the comment left by flawed design.
I'm grateful you said something honestly. But it is frustrating for people to throw suggestions my way because I have tried everything already. It's like... well let me explain the situation clearly- or at least clearer.
He is not my boyfriend anymore, nor will he ever be. He has been horrible. I am recently finding out things about when we first broke up, way at the beginning of the year, that I am glad I didn't know. I found out, though not from him- he denies this- in his texts, that he had sex with someone right after breaking up with me. Also he is sexting a girl from far away all the time. He still has feelings for a girl who strung him along all through high school and she is married or engaged and living in another state. He thought I was dead at first when I was in the hospital back then for attempted suicide, and when he found out otherwise, thought I had told my parents to tell him that just to be mean and manipulative. He said to a friend, "Gee I sure pick winners, don't I."
Every last one of his friends knew I had an emotional problem and he complained about it to each one of them. He told them all about how awful I was, that I was too emotional, and I was going through one of the hardest times in my life at that time.
I once asked when we were together if he had ever talked about me to his friends. What girlfriend doesn't want the boyfriend to brag about her? He said no. All of his friends knew he wanted to break up with me months before I had any clue. He held on so long only because he hated when I cried. He still says it makes him angry. If I cry, he gets very angry.
The way I found out we were broken up was when he was at a friends. After not contacting me for about a week I began to message his friends to find out what was going on. He never contacted me when he was there. Still doesn't. He took me once but they hated me. He would be gone for weeks without contact.
His friend basically told me that H said he had no girlfriend and told me I was creepy and to fuck off. Then even more embarrassingly, this friend's wife told me I was childish and immature for trying to hold on to him. She basically told me to get over it just like that. She broke up with me for him. We had been together for 8 months, and she wanted me to just, "get over it." Then he finally sent a text on her phone. "We are over. Stop." As in stop annoying his friends with stupid calls.
I was kicked out just like that. He was gone and wouldn't talk to me. I ended up cutting my wrist, ended up in the hospital. They put me in the mental ward for about a week. No one visited me. I then ended up in the homeless shelter during a huge snow storm. I ran away from the shelter to sleep in the park. The snow was a few feet deep then I remember.
Long story short. He was awful to me. He still is.
When I try and talk to him about how I feel, he gets angry. He will not talk about anything personal with me. I can't talk to him about my feelings. I still try but every time he tells me to stop being so dramatic and tells me to fuck off. The other day I tried to explain how his bipolar mood swings were affecting me. He defended himself, saying he was just being "friendly". I don't think he understands. He treats me in some ways just like a girlfriend. He will hug and flirt and care and be nice. He will check on me on good days and when I am down he will try and find out what is wrong and cheer me up. As long as I don't mention us. As long as it's not personal. He blames me and gets very angry with me when I refuse his attentions even though they give me hope and make me devastated when they stop. He says he only likes me as a friend. All his emotions for me just turned off when he broke it off. Mine didn't.
He has no desire at all to get back together with me or be romantic with me. He makes it very clear that there will be no getting back together. But, he encourages me to do sexual favors for him. Or really, I get carried away because I crave... human intimacy again. But he never kisses. I never get any attention. Only he and his... get attention. I have decided to stop that recently. I feel I am being used. Before I saw it as a sign that he liked me back. Now I see it as something different.
Sorry for the long post but I felt I must fully explain. I am a reasonable person. I will try and talk problems through with people, but he refuses to believe he has or does anything wrong. He feels it is all me, making my own decisions, letting my own feelings get out of control... In other words, I am making mountains out of molehills. He refuses to understand the constant pain I am in all the time. But I would rather he treats me nicely than having to cry and self harm to deal with the constant barrage of put downs when he is in a bad mood. I don't want to be called emotional, and immature, and childish anymore. I don't want to be seen as stupid anymore.
Sometimes I use the game controller I bought for him when I accidentally broke his controller, and smash it down on my hand. He had told all of his friends without telling me, that I had done it on purpose. To "spite" him. That's the word he used. And I wasn't even sure that I had broken it, it just turned up broken. But I took responsibility and bought him a new one even though I am broke. That same controller leaves dark bruises on my hands. I may have broken a bone in my hand with it. The bruise healed but under the skin where the bones are, there is a bump where it healed back up wrong. At least, that's what I think happened. I have to get it checked out by the doctor...
I want to get out of here. I know I can never just be friends with him ever again. Not now at least. But I am so afraid of his anger, of being disliked by somebody that I can't just cut him off, especially not while living here. Hopefully, if I can get out, I can just stop talking to him most of the time and hope he forgets me. But I will always be hoping and waiting for him to realize what he has lost. I will always dream that he comes back. And the day I finally realize he has moved on, I will be dangerously devastated.
He still has that look in his eyes sometimes, on his face, when I do something that makes him laugh. He is always teasing me and trying to tickle me and poke my nose... He still pets my head and invites me into his arms...
I just don't know what to do anymore. This is a living hell.
I can't even remember what I was getting at...
I am so miserable here. I don't know what to do.
Sometimes I tell him that. "I just don't know what to do anymore."
And you know what he says? "It's up to you what to do."
He has told me countless times that he thinks it is immature of me. Apparently if I don't know what decision to make every step of the way, that makes me immature. I think it makes me human. No one has an answer for me though. There is no way to stop heartbreak. There is no way to escape. I would honestly rather die. I'm not afraid of hell. Nothing can be worse than this. That isn't just me being dramatic either.
I am tired but I can't sleep now. It is too late in the morning to sleep. I have to work tomorrow. Fuck.