Sunday, August 26, 2012

Okay here is me being perfectly honest today.
I ate over 2740 calories today by my calculations.
Isn't that just disgusting?!?!?!?!
I had chips with salsa. Then some everything bread. Then I ate the last two slices of garlic bread. Then I ate more chips with salsa- the rest. Then I had some giant airhead 2in 1 bars. I can't even remember what else. Most of the calories is just the chips. How awful. Chips need to stop being addicting. No. I need to get myself under control.
I have a hard time with chips maybe because they seem so small. So if twelve chips is 140 or so calories, that means one is about 12 calories. Twelve tiny calories. But chips add up so fast! It gets to the point where I am like, just one more... one more couldn't hurt... it's just one. But once you get to just ten chips it's 120 calories! Twenty chips is about 240 calories. That's basically a handful!
How annoying...
Nothing else for today. I need to stop and regroup my thoughts. I am doing this so aimlessly it's pathetic. I have no specific goals, no day by day expectations, no rules or guidelines... I am walking through a dangerous swamp with my eyes closed!
So. I need goal at least. And I need them where I can see them... Hm...
Damn and then my new keyboard keeps shrinking the page by accident. How am I even doing that???
Focus Venus...
Does this font look funny?

In order to be down to 120 by new years I have to have lost 1 pound every three or four days. I see this goal has become unreachable and that is my fault. I set the goal when it was possible and have been lazy and disgusting and now I have to change my goal.
I will just leave it as, I want to be a lot smaller by then. No specific goal in mind. Anyways, I still feel that I should try for it anyways and so I will do my best.
However, my next small goal is to get below 150 for good. But no celebration until I can get down to 143. I want to be settled into the low 140's before even a moment of relaxing. Then, my next big goal is to hit 140 for the first time ever. I need to start hitting new low weights.
Tomorrow my goal is to get under 800 calories. I set the bar so high so that I have room for my poor hateful stomach to adjust. It get upset every single day just because of food in general. Probably a combination of dairy and gluten products. I can stop this by not eating but we will see. I need to plan my meals before I eat them and learn to go about meals calmly instead of in a binge eating frenzy. I need to post about something before eating it, maybe this will shame me into realizing what I am doing.
If I can lose ten pounds in 14 days or two weeks, and I can change that ratio to needing to lose one pound about every five days to reach my goal. It's still reachable but not if I let myself fall to any level of weakness. I need to be stronger.
I want to be at 151/152 pounds by Friday. Hopefully less but I need to be down by at least two pounds come Friday. I am actually estimating my weight at 154 but I haven't really weighed today, or much lately at all.
I feel like 140 is where I fall out of completely unacceptable and become a real competitor. Growing up I would always hear and still do, of stars and acceptable people being 140 or under. I have never heard of anyone looking nice at 150. I need to do better. I WILL do better.

I may be posting a lot more just to keep myself in check but I'm not sure. This isn't just some game. It has to be way more than that.


  1. Hey honey,

    Just looking at everything you have said about your goals. Just being honest...if you dont think you can make 120 by new years maybe change it to 130 so that you feel like it is something you can really achieve and aim towards! If you get closer to that It will keep you motivated rather than feeling bad for not doing it quick enough! <3

    I try and set myself big goals of about 10 pounds, smaller ones of about 5, then once you reach them you really feel like you have achieved something <3

    Look forward to your 'more posts' :)

  2. I've had days far worse than that, don't feel so bad. I think crisps have addictives which makes them physically addictive.
    You can definitely reach your goal by New Years, I want to lose around 40 lbs by New Years, but it is definitely possible for both of us.
    We can totally do this. I believe in you.
    Email me any time you want support or motivation.
    You can do this, I believe in you.