Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I just got a text from a number I don't even know and all it said was, wanna fuck?
Not even joking. I asked who it was and they send a text that they like nipples and pancakes and then another giving me a fictional name. See? People just see me as a sex object. Idk who it is but I'm not even going to open the messages anymore.
I just checked my account info though I am doing remarkably well on minutes and texts. I haven't even reached my half way mark for amount of texts and it's about half way through my 30 day card. I have hardly touched my minutes, and my internet has hardly been touched too. Cool.
In response to the girls showing me so much caring, I really don't know how to get away from him. I hate leaving the house because it is so hard to stay hydrated for me and I hate long walks, hate summer in general. There is no place to go, no one to be with, and I would rather not be on the streets even during the day just to be away from here. There was a stabbing in these apartments just a few days ago. K walked with me to the gas station to get some necessities and we saw two girls and three guys handcuffed on the ground. There were at least five police cars, an ambulance, two fire trucks and they even had a helicopter out because one of the guys tried to run. I heard the cops talking to their friends and apparently it isn't uncommon to have a gun. The stabber had one, but he used a knife. Tells you how safe it is here. There are always cops down this street. There are two bars across the street too. I am approached by guys more during the day than at night. And this whole city is like that.
I might be able to get my own apartment on some kind of government program for extremely low income, but they have lowered my hours yet again to one four hour shift per week. What if I lose my job? I have already been threatened and now they are severely cutting my hours. Without even a part time job, this program can't do a thing for me. I might even be able to get benefits, but only if I am already in an apartment in which I have to provide rent.
I have a guy friend from work, the one who is really starting to disturb me, and we were going to look at apartments on Tuesday but he skipped on me. It seemed like a good reason, family issues I guess, but I am so used to people forgetting me and letting me down I can't see it in any other light than a depressed one. He rescheduled for Friday. The funny, or really, weird thing is, I get a kind of feeling when I know someone is going to let me down. My intuition always calls it. Look at any of my posts and it's incredible how often I am right. Sometimes I exaggerate in hopes of jinxing it wrong, but most of the time I am right on.
Also, I sleep next to H. I literally sleep in the same bed as him because there is nowhere else in the apartment to sleep. I wish I could get away but I have to pay for my own bus now and I can't afford to go out every day, or even more than I will be if I still work.
I don't know what is going to happen. Nothing ever happens. Months and months of just hoping for an opportunity has weighed me down. I have a hard time hoping for any way out the last few years. Before in high school, I dreamed of getting a job and moving out...
This guy can help me get a job too. I would get so sick just trying to walk out in this heat applying for places. It's been in the 90's lately. Fahrenheit.
Now is the time to get a job and if I don't hurry all the available jobs will get snatched up, but I am dead serious when I say this, I don't see myself applying. I can tell everyone I will but I know I won't. It's literally too hard for me in this condition. I know when I will do something even if it is hard, and this is one of those times I won't.
Sigh. Thanks for all of the love you guys though. I need it.
I haven't slept in two days. I have to work tomorrow and I still can't sleep. I am too stressed out. My thoughts are going too fast. I am afraid of closing my eyes and missing something. I am not ready to abandon thinking for sleep yet. I wish I could. I will try and lay down for a bit in a little while here. But not yet.

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