I just found out that when I was in the hospital at the beginning of the year after H broke up with me, the reason he wouldn't come see me in the hospital is because he thought I was dead. R told him I was dead and he didn't find out otherwise for at least another week. I called him and he wouldn't say who had told him that but confirmed that he had thought me dead for a bit there. I am in shock right here. How can I not let that change things. I feel like I should just go home with my tail between my legs. How AWFUL that must have been.
R was the one I was trying to get H to communicate with me. Now I get it. I am getting the very distinct impression that R either told H that my parents said I was dead, or just told him I was dead without that extra part because the messages from around that time say that I was the one who wanted him to think I was dead. I would never say I was dead or try to pretend or fuck with someone's head that way. My parents would never pass a message like that on either. Therefore... God I can't believe this honestly. I feel sick.