Friday, August 31, 2012

I have just lost two followers. It hurts but oh well. Not everyone is going to like me.
I have been harsh to myself lately. I feel like I am not being hard enough on myself. Oh I just ate a million calories, I am still smiling and excited for tomorrow! Just isn't working for me anymore. I don't feel like that is appropriate when I feel like shit so much. I had a long day. I finally got my meds for ADHD but I have to work tomorrow morning. It's going to suck because I can't sleep. Then I hung out with guy from work. It was very odd and I won't explain because if I do I might just end up with several comments telling me to stay away from him. I guess he indulges me enough that I don't feel the need to cut him off as a friends yet. He respects my personal space most of the time. That is all I really ask for in a friends.
I don't want to deal with H anymore. I haven;t argued with him in several days. If he says something I want to reply to in an unhappy tone, I don't answer. I could say many things that irritate me to him but he likely already knows and it takes two to fight so if I say nothing, there can't be a fight.
Guy from work didn't get off of work soon enough to check out more than two apartments. One was a set rate far too high, the other was already closed. But then why did I hang out with him all day. I just want to be alone. At least I got some exercise in for the day. I walked until I was tired and my ribs and my foot hurt... that should be a few calories burned off.
Weighed in at 152.1 pounds today. I am wondering how I am doing that though... I don't remember how much I moved around yesterday but I ate a shit ton of food.
I am so disgusting. Everyone thinks I have a kids face. As in it is round and fat.
I look like a child.
I am getting bitter.
I knew living with H would take something away from my character. I am no longer really me anymore.
I had about 1000 calories today and I feel full. All I ate was cookies but I didn't eat them all thank god. I am stressed as hell. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't feel like anything can go right. I am cracking down harder on my eating though. I don't want to be managing my eating disorder but I know I am right in the very middle right now. I have been having myself eat healthier for months now and every once in a while I lose a few pounds and keep it off and that is how I have gotten so hard. I don't want to eat normal though. Not until I am skinny, but that is what we all say isn't it?
It's tiring. Recovering has less to do with eating and more to do with fixing the broken image of yourself in your head. It is learning to love your faults and that no one is perfect. It is about gaining confidence and regaining your positive self image, and a lot of other mind healthy ideas. I don't want to. It's stupid, but there is no one I want to be healthy for, so I feel like I am just making myself get better for the idea that someone might like me all of a sudden if I was normal. But that isn't how it works.
I don't want to sacrifice what I want for nothing.
I can't deny that this eating thing is killing me, but it feels like it is feeding me when everything else is done taking it's toll. Everything else is so crappy, I just want to try to do one thing good so that I have at least that.
My dear sister and the guy from work, though of less importance in my life, have both told me that I can lose thirty pounds by new years. They both believe that I can get to 120 pounds.
I can't let life shatter my dreams. I will try and have more enthusiasm, but if I do feel like crap I will say so.
I am pleased with my last few days of progress.
I mathed out, that to evenly use the $200 I will receive for this next month for food, I can spend about $7 a day every day and have four dollars left over at the end of the month. Since food is never exactly $7, then of course that is an estimate. But if I have a limit per day, I will never need to go and buy everything at once, and then it will encourage me to walk out and get my food. Walking is good.
Therefore, if I am smart with my calories, I only need to consume 1000 calories TOPS per day, which either way you put it is a loss- a good loss- in weight. When that bottoms out, I am sure I will be pushed to lower the amount to do better. Also on any given day I can easily just decide to not eat, and sometimes I will succeed. If some of that money per day is spent getting a drink, even better. I can get a drink and one snack with a small amount of calories, or really even if it's super calorie rich than it is still only once snack. That way, instead of constantly craving everything to eat at once, I will be allowing myself one treat per day to satiate my cravings. When I feel like I will never be able to have something again, I want it even more and it can be my downfall. This is true for most of you I know. The main thing here is learning to control myself again.
But either way, my half-assed attempts at losing and then trying to recover at the same time... needs to stop. It is hurting me both ways. It becomes unhealthy body wise, and mind wise and does nothing for either side.
So I have decided to side with my ana this time. I know how bad that is but I really just... I don't know. You know how it is when you have been resisting so long that when you finally crack it feels like heaven? Maybe not? No? Oh well.
Sorry that this has been such a long post. It isn't even a fraction of what I am thinking right now.
I am going with guy from work on Tuesday this time to check out apartments. That day, neither of us have work so we have a full day. It would be Monday, but Monday is a holiday. Labor day everybody.

No comments:

Post a Comment