Friday, August 31, 2012

That is the number when you divide 123 (the number of days until new years) by 32 (the pounds I need to lose). This means, that every 3.8 days I need to lose one pound. If I lose another two pounds in three days, I have changed that to exactly every four days. When I lose more than one pound in 3.8 days, my amount of days raises, giving me a better chance to succeed. Suddenly this looks easy...
I need to be under 150 soon. I am excited again. I actually am. When I started gaining and hit mid 150's I was so discouraged, but now I have the heart to try again, and try harder.
I am making a lot of progress actually.
I was walking in the mall earlier and found a shop that sells the kind of skirt I need for my dream outfit- in every color and design. It was gorgeous.
Walking through there and seeing all of these brand new, never been worn clothes that would never fit me on tiny manikins... inspirational. I felt myself thinking, I'm going to be that small. When I am that small...
It's set in my head. New years cannot hit without me losing a significant amount of weight. I think a day away from H, looking at me in the future may have been just what I need. I have been off lately as I am sure everyone has noticed. My mood finally changed halfway through that last post. I will get there. I am even allowing myself some time to just post to all of you and speak my thoughts. It's good for me...
I will not take back the mean things I said about me though lol. They don't really sink in much anyways but I feel it pushed me farther than everything is okay and sunny. It wasn't really helping me at all. I felt like it was okay almost to make mistakes and so I worried less about making them and sometimes purposely let go of all rules and everything. And then I felt like crap.
I will be right back and make me a new thinspo post!!!
I have just lost two followers. It hurts but oh well. Not everyone is going to like me.
I have been harsh to myself lately. I feel like I am not being hard enough on myself. Oh I just ate a million calories, I am still smiling and excited for tomorrow! Just isn't working for me anymore. I don't feel like that is appropriate when I feel like shit so much. I had a long day. I finally got my meds for ADHD but I have to work tomorrow morning. It's going to suck because I can't sleep. Then I hung out with guy from work. It was very odd and I won't explain because if I do I might just end up with several comments telling me to stay away from him. I guess he indulges me enough that I don't feel the need to cut him off as a friends yet. He respects my personal space most of the time. That is all I really ask for in a friends.
I don't want to deal with H anymore. I haven;t argued with him in several days. If he says something I want to reply to in an unhappy tone, I don't answer. I could say many things that irritate me to him but he likely already knows and it takes two to fight so if I say nothing, there can't be a fight.
Guy from work didn't get off of work soon enough to check out more than two apartments. One was a set rate far too high, the other was already closed. But then why did I hang out with him all day. I just want to be alone. At least I got some exercise in for the day. I walked until I was tired and my ribs and my foot hurt... that should be a few calories burned off.
Weighed in at 152.1 pounds today. I am wondering how I am doing that though... I don't remember how much I moved around yesterday but I ate a shit ton of food.
I am so disgusting. Everyone thinks I have a kids face. As in it is round and fat.
I look like a child.
I am getting bitter.
I knew living with H would take something away from my character. I am no longer really me anymore.
I had about 1000 calories today and I feel full. All I ate was cookies but I didn't eat them all thank god. I am stressed as hell. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't feel like anything can go right. I am cracking down harder on my eating though. I don't want to be managing my eating disorder but I know I am right in the very middle right now. I have been having myself eat healthier for months now and every once in a while I lose a few pounds and keep it off and that is how I have gotten so hard. I don't want to eat normal though. Not until I am skinny, but that is what we all say isn't it?
It's tiring. Recovering has less to do with eating and more to do with fixing the broken image of yourself in your head. It is learning to love your faults and that no one is perfect. It is about gaining confidence and regaining your positive self image, and a lot of other mind healthy ideas. I don't want to. It's stupid, but there is no one I want to be healthy for, so I feel like I am just making myself get better for the idea that someone might like me all of a sudden if I was normal. But that isn't how it works.
I don't want to sacrifice what I want for nothing.
I can't deny that this eating thing is killing me, but it feels like it is feeding me when everything else is done taking it's toll. Everything else is so crappy, I just want to try to do one thing good so that I have at least that.
My dear sister and the guy from work, though of less importance in my life, have both told me that I can lose thirty pounds by new years. They both believe that I can get to 120 pounds.
I can't let life shatter my dreams. I will try and have more enthusiasm, but if I do feel like crap I will say so.
I am pleased with my last few days of progress.
I mathed out, that to evenly use the $200 I will receive for this next month for food, I can spend about $7 a day every day and have four dollars left over at the end of the month. Since food is never exactly $7, then of course that is an estimate. But if I have a limit per day, I will never need to go and buy everything at once, and then it will encourage me to walk out and get my food. Walking is good.
Therefore, if I am smart with my calories, I only need to consume 1000 calories TOPS per day, which either way you put it is a loss- a good loss- in weight. When that bottoms out, I am sure I will be pushed to lower the amount to do better. Also on any given day I can easily just decide to not eat, and sometimes I will succeed. If some of that money per day is spent getting a drink, even better. I can get a drink and one snack with a small amount of calories, or really even if it's super calorie rich than it is still only once snack. That way, instead of constantly craving everything to eat at once, I will be allowing myself one treat per day to satiate my cravings. When I feel like I will never be able to have something again, I want it even more and it can be my downfall. This is true for most of you I know. The main thing here is learning to control myself again.
But either way, my half-assed attempts at losing and then trying to recover at the same time... needs to stop. It is hurting me both ways. It becomes unhealthy body wise, and mind wise and does nothing for either side.
So I have decided to side with my ana this time. I know how bad that is but I really just... I don't know. You know how it is when you have been resisting so long that when you finally crack it feels like heaven? Maybe not? No? Oh well.
Sorry that this has been such a long post. It isn't even a fraction of what I am thinking right now.
I am going with guy from work on Tuesday this time to check out apartments. That day, neither of us have work so we have a full day. It would be Monday, but Monday is a holiday. Labor day everybody.
Mean words to myself.

  1. You are fat.
  2. You are disgusting.
  3. Eating food is called living, eating too much food is called being you.
  4. Look at that thing on your stomach, Newsflash, that is your stomach.
  5. Stop eating.
  6. Why do you do this? To satisfy yourself for one moment, you are sacrificing everyone else who has to look at you.
  7. You are not skinny.
  8. You aren't even close to skinny.
  9. You aren't waging a war on fat, you are waging a war on skinny. You are losing the battle.
  10. Try harder. Do better.
  11. You will never be good enough.
  12. At this rate, you will achieve your goals never.
  13. What good is your enthusiasm if you use it to justify eating too much, and encourage eating more?
  14. When you think everything is all right and decide it is okay to eat again, the next moment something will go wrong and you will feel like absolute shit. Because not only is something wrong, but you cannot feel in control or make things better. You just became a fool.
  15. You still want to be that fat girl? DO YOU STILL WANT TO BE FAT?!?!
  16. Imagine the hottest girl walks into the room and all heads turn. Because your fat ass followed her.
  17. Imagine the hottest girl walking into the room and turning heads. Don't you want that to be you?
  18. You have thirty pounds to go before you reach your first major goal. You aren't even close.
  19. New years will come and you will still be fat.
  20. Someone will ask you to play Santa as a joke.
  21. You are a whore. Get a grip. Your mouth is one of your best features-when it's closed.
  22. Everything is flab. Everything looks awful on you right now.
Okay I am done being awful now. I can find my enthusiasm again, not that I feel like using it...
Poor baby... everyone probably knows exactly what I am talking about from reading those two words.
H has a toothache. And he wants to pull his tooth. He's near tears he's in so much pain. He's always in pain. If it isn't one thing, it's another.
So I got so fucking sick of his bullshit whining that I went and bought a super painkiller that's supposed to start working fast. $8
I found an extra ten in my wallet the other day so I had $20 cash. Notice, I don't spend every last cent before I get it.
LOL. He knows me too well. He just just came in to go to bed and said, "You complaining about how whiny I am?" In a kid's tone of voice practically.
I threw it to him in the living room and left the room and he got angry.
Why would I not be angry and stressed out when someone around me is in pain, constantly making groans of pain, faces of pain, and whining that their tooth hurts? Then the bleeping sound every time he gets a text...
"Oh I am so sorry H. That must be horrible for you!"
"Oh she hid the pills? What a bitch." (I can't find them anywhere for real.)
"Well I'm glad your dad finally got you some pain meds. Are you going to be okay?"
Not only will he not give me credit, because to his friends I only exist to be a pain in his ass, but instead of saying thank you he would just say, you didn't have to. Either way he is upset that I couldn't find them.
I have had a stomach ache pretty much every day since middle/high school. I probably at least cracked a bone in my hand. I nearly passed out on the bus from my cramps...
It's tiring. And now because I took the time to fucking help him out, maybe because I am a good person, it's too late to go to sleep and be able to get an appointment so I have to stay up all night again. God and he is already snoring the fucking bitch shitty old fag. There's my creativity coming out...
He whines, shoves away my help and then whines some more until I have to help him in order to get him to shut up.
I have got to be the nicest person ever seriously... and yet I get treated like a piece of trash. So tired of all of this... I really am.
I realized something sad earlier. I went looking for the ibuprofin and after about a minute I had looked through all of my stuff and had gone through my entire list of possible places. A backpack, a purse, a bathroom bag, and on and in the dresser. That's it. That is all my stuff right there except for a black garbage bag full of clean clothes.
I should rename my blog "Life is never fair".
Ah what am I saying. I am such a whiny baby myself. I'm sure someone else had a worse life than me. I have no right to say any of this.
Ah I lied. The old man took me to the gas station down the street and said get anything you like. A bag of chips (of course, always my downfall) and a Moonpie.
1050 calories. How am I such a failure???
So much for being pro ana. Guess it makes me a wannabe.
But seriously. Two items of food... Do I just make shit decision? That and a lack of self control...
Fuck this. I'm going to bed.
These cramps are so bad that the harder pangs literally take my breath away.
H is complaining about his tooth hurting again. He has no money to get anything done to it so he is trying to find a way to pull it. I pulled my two teeth out with my fingers a few years ago as a kid. He says it would be too painful. LOL.
It's frustrating me and pissing me off. As long as he is sitting there, whining about how much it hurts, and texting all his friends for pity like he always does, I don't want anything to have to do with the dick.
I was actually hoping he wouldn't come back tonight. How uncharacteristic of me is that? Like I went to unlock the door for them and literally felt disappointed when I saw him. Usually when he goes to eat with his brother and ends up staying there I panic when I find out he's not coming back. This time I didn't.
I am slightly entertained though. He said he didn't know if he could pull it with his fingers and I told him I had pulled two with my fingers. He makes a pained noise just trying to imagine it. He asked how I did it and I said I pushed it back and forth until my gums were stretched and all the nerves were broken off. More noises. He then asked me if I had gotten all the roots when I did it that way and I said no. Then I explained how the dentist had had to cut them out with a knife and then gave me stitches. Why is this funny to me? I don't know. Maybe because compared to all of that he seems like a pussy.
I have my hair in a pony tale but a good amount of hair doesn't fit. It's like a giant mass of bangs that goes down to my lips. I am leaving them down at the moment, over one eyes, so that I don't have to look at him.
I hate the pity texting though. Looking at his Facebook page, without ever needing to get on his profile, for the first few years he had it, even before he knew me, his only posts were saying he was sick or injured and he did it a lot. Confirmed baby/hypochondriac.
I have more shifts this week though. I have three shifts. I can't remember which days though so it's a good thing I wrote it down somewhere.
Haven't eaten anything today. He's putting on a cooking show. Fuck.
Well, I will be eating, but because of my hard work all day, I don't think I will eat more than 600 calories in one meal so I am safe-ish.
I mean, it's already night time. I will be going to bed in a few hours and I haven't had more than my flavored water. The entire thing has three packets in it, which equals 30 calories but I am not even halfway through and I mean, 64 oz of water? I am needing that.
All there is to eat right now is ramen, soups and my eggs. Actually I do have that pancake batter... Eh bad idea.
I will be checking in again later before bed.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

I don't have much time because I have to go to work in a few minutes but I really needed to say something.
First of all, I weighed in at 153.4 this morning. So much better than last night. I haven't eaten yet and H is at his brothers as of early this morning. I also started my period this morning and it sucks.
H has been extremely nice lately- as in the last few days. Yesterday I was cold and he brought me a blanket of his to wrap up in. A few other things happened too, small things.
Last night I came out to watch the new episode of Grimm with them and he wouldn't stop touching me. When no one is looking sometimes he pokes my butt and other little things, but writes them off quickly as being nothing. Last night he tickled me more, snuck up on me and poked my sides. He's being super smiley with me. He even sat on the floor and made me sit in his lap. So I took a seat between his outstretched legs but sat too far in front of him and he tried to use his feet to make me lean back but it didn't work so then he pretended to put me in a choke hold which made me lean back against him, only while in the choke hold. Then I made sure to stay way out next to the TV so he wouldn't bother me but it didn't work all that well...
So last night I dreamed we got engaged. It felt like today. I can't tell when my dreams are dreams so it felt real to m completely. He just out of the blue said I should marry him and I agreed. In my dream he would sneak up behind me and hug me and tell me I was sexy. He never let me turn around for some reason, like if I looked at him something would go wrong. Then he would leave for days at a time in my dream and I wasn't supposed to tell anyone we were engaged. Also, I noticed never once in my dream did he say he loved me as far as a I can remember. He never once told me I was beautiful.
Anyways it fucked up my entire mentality. And when I was woken up several times because someone was talking to me this morning, every time I went to sleep the dream would just pick up where it let off. Usually my dreams change when I wake up. Also to show you how much my heart is being fucked up, just in real life if he wanted me again I would go out with him no questions asked. I remember thinking in my dream, we can't just start up like this. I want answers. But I knew I couldn't ask them or he would stop paying attention to me and dump me. How fucked up can I get???
I hate myself for loving him. I want out.
K went to her mom's for the weekend, so if H stays there for a few days I will have the place to myself during the days. I am already terrified of being lonely as it is...
Got to go. Fuck work...

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

So for today's honesty...
Two large bowls of honey bunches cereal in lactose free milk. Diet coke.
Four rice cakes at 50 calories each. Two packs of ramen. That's about it...
It was awful.
Let me tally that up...

200 for the rice cakes
+760 for the ramen.
+600+ of cereal... probably more with how much I ate...

1560 total. And that is my low estimate. I don't want to think about this...

Fuck I am soooo fat. I'm going to weigh myself. I have to. Even if I did eat today already.
155.8 pounds. Fuck.
That can't all be from food. Last time I weighed I was closer to 154 pounds. I can't have eaten almost two pounds in food today. I can't have. I'm gaining. Wake up call.
I would go on a bike ride but- insert your favorite excuse here.

I really don't want to work tomorrow. They are going to fire me anyways and that's why they have been cutting my hours. I really don't know what they expect me to do. I am working as hard and as well as I can. If that isn't good enough, when will it ever be?
I can't get an apartment period if I lose my job. I have been working harder than most of everybody there I feel. I am really trying. I am always moving, taking the initiative, and I get most of the orders right if now all. At least, I feel that I am doing a lot better. But it's no use with my bitch boss who won't listen and tells me I am not good enough. I don't think she believes I can get better even though I have, and she has probably already set out her plan of action, cutting hours and then firing me. It doesn't matter how hard I work at this point, but I will try my best anyways because that is the kind of person that I am.
I just got a text from a number I don't even know and all it said was, wanna fuck?
Not even joking. I asked who it was and they send a text that they like nipples and pancakes and then another giving me a fictional name. See? People just see me as a sex object. Idk who it is but I'm not even going to open the messages anymore.
I just checked my account info though I am doing remarkably well on minutes and texts. I haven't even reached my half way mark for amount of texts and it's about half way through my 30 day card. I have hardly touched my minutes, and my internet has hardly been touched too. Cool.
In response to the girls showing me so much caring, I really don't know how to get away from him. I hate leaving the house because it is so hard to stay hydrated for me and I hate long walks, hate summer in general. There is no place to go, no one to be with, and I would rather not be on the streets even during the day just to be away from here. There was a stabbing in these apartments just a few days ago. K walked with me to the gas station to get some necessities and we saw two girls and three guys handcuffed on the ground. There were at least five police cars, an ambulance, two fire trucks and they even had a helicopter out because one of the guys tried to run. I heard the cops talking to their friends and apparently it isn't uncommon to have a gun. The stabber had one, but he used a knife. Tells you how safe it is here. There are always cops down this street. There are two bars across the street too. I am approached by guys more during the day than at night. And this whole city is like that.
I might be able to get my own apartment on some kind of government program for extremely low income, but they have lowered my hours yet again to one four hour shift per week. What if I lose my job? I have already been threatened and now they are severely cutting my hours. Without even a part time job, this program can't do a thing for me. I might even be able to get benefits, but only if I am already in an apartment in which I have to provide rent.
I have a guy friend from work, the one who is really starting to disturb me, and we were going to look at apartments on Tuesday but he skipped on me. It seemed like a good reason, family issues I guess, but I am so used to people forgetting me and letting me down I can't see it in any other light than a depressed one. He rescheduled for Friday. The funny, or really, weird thing is, I get a kind of feeling when I know someone is going to let me down. My intuition always calls it. Look at any of my posts and it's incredible how often I am right. Sometimes I exaggerate in hopes of jinxing it wrong, but most of the time I am right on.
Also, I sleep next to H. I literally sleep in the same bed as him because there is nowhere else in the apartment to sleep. I wish I could get away but I have to pay for my own bus now and I can't afford to go out every day, or even more than I will be if I still work.
I don't know what is going to happen. Nothing ever happens. Months and months of just hoping for an opportunity has weighed me down. I have a hard time hoping for any way out the last few years. Before in high school, I dreamed of getting a job and moving out...
This guy can help me get a job too. I would get so sick just trying to walk out in this heat applying for places. It's been in the 90's lately. Fahrenheit.
Now is the time to get a job and if I don't hurry all the available jobs will get snatched up, but I am dead serious when I say this, I don't see myself applying. I can tell everyone I will but I know I won't. It's literally too hard for me in this condition. I know when I will do something even if it is hard, and this is one of those times I won't.
Sigh. Thanks for all of the love you guys though. I need it.
I haven't slept in two days. I have to work tomorrow and I still can't sleep. I am too stressed out. My thoughts are going too fast. I am afraid of closing my eyes and missing something. I am not ready to abandon thinking for sleep yet. I wish I could. I will try and lay down for a bit in a little while here. But not yet.
So I just discovered that comments have a limited amount of words or characters. Flawed Design left that long lovely comment and it won't even fully show up. :(
But that's okay, the entire thing showed up in my email. I set it up that way originally actually. When someone comments it's like getting an email because it also gets sent to my email. Then I can check email and read comments even when I can't access blogger. Its really nice. Also, if I were ever to delete my blog, or blogger did for content reasons, I still have the messages forever. I really do treasure them. Everyone is deleting thinspo videos on facebook, and pro ana websites and blogs and everything. So why don't they bad religious sites/blogs/videos, or ones on drugs, or ones on alcohol, or ones on bipolar, anxiety and depression disorders... shall I go on? It's stupid that people think by taking it all down they are helping. Anyone who is there is already too far gone, and the people who stumble upon it are probably already predisposed to get it or something.
H is being super cute and cuddly today. I hate it. He flirted hard all this morning and I haven't slept all night and I made sure he had some of my ramen noodles because he's out of food, and I even made it for him. And then when I was so out of energy I could hardly stand I asked if he would make me some food and he had the gall to get angry. But see, I can't stop myself from hoping every time he is that sweet to me. It isn't an everyday thing, and it's polar opposite of his normal self. How does one deal with that???
I'm the one with bipolar disorder but even my moods aren't that drastic...
I'm too tried to be tired of life. And I got half way through a 90 calorie no fat yogurt when I remembered that I didn't like yogurt. It makes my mouth really dry and pasty and then it upsets my stomach. Oops. Oh well.
And last night H's dad came back from work with a bag of cookies and threw them directly to me in my room. H had one and then I was like, "Oh Boy! Something to binge on!" And it all went down in seconds I'm sure. Sugar cookies with sprinkles. Ugh I felt sick after one but kept going. I didn't weigh myself today.
I just have to keep the most famous ana saying in mind, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."
Keep up the effort girls. Each day you fail and still manage to come up with more enthusiasm for the next day, that right there is a success in itself.
This is in response to the comment left by flawed design.
I'm grateful you said something honestly. But it is frustrating for people to throw suggestions my way because I have tried everything already. It's like... well let me explain the situation clearly- or at least clearer.
He is not my boyfriend anymore, nor will he ever be. He has been horrible. I am recently finding out things about when we first broke up, way at the beginning of the year, that I am glad I didn't know. I found out, though not from him- he denies this- in his texts, that he had sex with someone right after breaking up with me. Also he is sexting a girl from far away all the time. He still has feelings for a girl who strung him along all through high school and she is married or engaged and living in another state. He thought I was dead at first when I was in the hospital back then for attempted suicide, and when he found out otherwise, thought I had told my parents to tell him that just to be mean and manipulative. He said to a friend, "Gee I sure pick winners, don't I."
Every last one of his friends knew I had an emotional problem and he complained about it to each one of them. He told them all about how awful I was, that I was too emotional, and I was going through one of the hardest times in my life at that time.
I once asked when we were together if he had ever talked about me to his friends. What girlfriend doesn't want the boyfriend to brag about her? He said no. All of his friends knew he wanted to break up with me months before I had any clue. He held on so long only because he hated when I cried. He still says it makes him angry. If I cry, he gets very angry.
The way I found out we were broken up was when he was at a friends. After not contacting me for about a week I began to message his friends to find out what was going on. He never contacted me when he was there. Still doesn't. He took me once but they hated me. He would be gone for weeks without contact.
His friend basically told me that H said he had no girlfriend and told me I was creepy and to fuck off. Then even more embarrassingly, this friend's wife told me I was childish and immature for trying to hold on to him. She basically told me to get over it just like that. She broke up with me for him. We had been together for 8 months, and she wanted me to just, "get over it." Then he finally sent a text on her phone. "We are over. Stop." As in stop annoying his friends with stupid calls.
I was kicked out just like that. He was gone and wouldn't talk to me. I ended up cutting my wrist, ended up in the hospital. They put me in the mental ward for about a week. No one visited me. I then ended up in the homeless shelter during a huge snow storm. I ran away from the shelter to sleep in the park. The snow was a few feet deep then I remember.
Long story short. He was awful to me. He still is.
When I try and talk to him about how I feel, he gets angry. He will not talk about anything personal with me. I can't talk to him about my feelings. I still try but every time he tells me to stop being so dramatic and tells me to fuck off. The other day I tried to explain how his bipolar mood swings were affecting me. He defended himself, saying he was just being "friendly". I don't think he understands. He treats me in some ways just like a girlfriend. He will hug and flirt and care and be nice. He will check on me on good days and when I am down he will try and find out what is wrong and cheer me up. As long as I don't mention us. As long as it's not personal. He blames me and gets very angry with me when I refuse his attentions even though they give me hope and make me devastated when they stop. He says he only likes me as a friend. All his emotions for me just turned off when he broke it off. Mine didn't.
He has no desire at all to get back together with me or be romantic with me. He makes it very clear that there will be no getting back together. But, he encourages me to do sexual favors for him. Or really, I get carried away because I crave... human intimacy again. But he never kisses. I never get any attention. Only he and his... get attention. I have decided to stop that recently. I feel I am being used. Before I saw it as a sign that he liked me back. Now I see it as something different.
Sorry for the long post but I felt I must fully explain. I am a reasonable person. I will try and talk problems through with people, but he refuses to believe he has or does anything wrong. He feels it is all me, making my own decisions, letting my own feelings get out of control... In other words, I am making mountains out of molehills. He refuses to understand the constant pain I am in all the time. But I would rather he treats me nicely than having to cry and self harm to deal with the constant barrage of put downs when he is in a bad mood. I don't want to be called emotional, and immature, and childish anymore. I don't want to be seen as stupid anymore.
Sometimes I use the game controller I bought for him when I accidentally broke his controller, and smash it down on my hand. He had told all of his friends without telling me, that I had done it on purpose. To "spite" him. That's the word he used. And I wasn't even sure that I had broken it, it just turned up broken. But I took responsibility and bought him a new one even though I am broke. That same controller leaves dark bruises on my hands. I may have broken a bone in my hand with it. The bruise healed but under the skin where the bones are, there is a bump where it healed back up wrong. At least, that's what I think happened. I have to get it checked out by the doctor...
I want to get out of here. I know I can never just be friends with him ever again. Not now at least. But I am so afraid of his anger, of being disliked by somebody that I can't just cut him off, especially not while living here. Hopefully, if I can get out, I can just stop talking to him most of the time and hope he forgets me. But I will always be hoping and waiting for him to realize what he has lost. I will always dream that he comes back. And the day I finally realize he has moved on, I will be dangerously devastated.
He still has that look in his eyes sometimes, on his face, when I do something that makes him laugh. He is always teasing me and trying to tickle me and poke my nose... He still pets my head and invites me into his arms...
I just don't know what to do anymore. This is a living hell.
I can't even remember what I was getting at...
I am so miserable here. I don't know what to do.
Sometimes I tell him that. "I just don't know what to do anymore."
And you know what he says? "It's up to you what to do."
He has told me countless times that he thinks it is immature of me. Apparently if I don't know what decision to make every step of the way, that makes me immature. I think it makes me human. No one has an answer for me though. There is no way to stop heartbreak. There is no way to escape. I would honestly rather die. I'm not afraid of hell. Nothing can be worse than this. That isn't just me being dramatic either.
I am tired but I can't sleep now. It is too late in the morning to sleep. I have to work tomorrow. Fuck.
I am so fat.

I look something like this body wise I believe. It's disgusting to me. This girl can be happy with her body but she can have it. I don't want to look like this anymore.

I feel guilty about posting pics and saying, look, I am showing off a fat girl so I can show what not to be. I mean, what if I was that girl? But I would honestly want someone to come up to me and tell me how gross I am. I am so tired of desperate people telling me I am beautiful just the way I am. And you are perfect also... not.
What am I supposed to say to that? I say thank you, but what I really mean is, so you are letting me settle? Do you not want the best for me?
I told a guy friend, carrot tops, the one who bought me the bike, about the guy from work who calls me "La Petite." He laughed. He literally laughed. He said, "no offense but I have seen a lot of girls littler than you. You aren't small."
It was a little shocking that he would say something like that, but he was just being honest.
I don't like me the way I am, and I am not just going to sit on the couch and be miserable the way I am. I want to change it.

Some guys may think this is hot. More to grab on to right?
Who really wants to look like this?
She doesn't even look happy doing this job. I love how her fat stomach is tucked into her panties to make her look more appealing. Anyone think this is sexy?

It almost looks like some model's face was photo shopped onto this one. How does one have cheek bones at that weight? Where does she hide all her face fat???

She should seriously reconsider this one... seriously...
Okay enough fat pics. Just showing everyone how I feel. I don't think plus size models are sexy. Promoting a "healthier" living, is probably just making people more comfortable eating hamburgers and generally supporting the food industries in this economy. It's like they are trying to help people justify themselves in their unhealthy bodies. Not that extreme skinny-ness is healthy. But healthy weight has two ends. The high end and the low end. This seems a little too far above the bar...
I am by no standard small.
Sorry, I may be tired and stressing out, but I was watching Dying to Dance, and the one girl was stressing out about her weight and stuff and I realized, she's so small. I mean, she could have been considered a little curvier than most girls, but compared to me...
It's 4 in the morning, H has gone to sleep and I had my back turned to him when he held out his arm to let me lie next to him. I don't want to have feelings for him anymore. I don't want to do this.
I mean, I used to be able to block out my problems for at least a little while. Everyone needs to escape from the things that stress them out, but I am locked in with mine. I don't feel like I will ever be let out of this cage. I am so used to it that I fear what happens when I do get out.
I have to face the thing that breaks my heart, and keeps breaking my heart. It's like he's saying, "Hold on, I'm not done yet." It's like the pain lasts forever. One can heal when they are stabbed once, but when the hunter holds the knife in your chest, digging deeper and deeper, never really stopping... It like he is submerging the knife so far in it will never come out, and yet he pushed deeper and deeper until his hand starts to submerge itself too. And once I have absorbed him and the knife, the thing hurting me, into my heart, I won't have a heart anymore.
"Heartbreak is so hard..."
But no one else has to live for months with that same person who broke their heart, never allowed to talk about it, never allowed to speak ones thoughts, never allowed to live or die but suspended cruelly between the two. I am forever caught in limbo.
It's crushing. Either he is cruel to me and I start to get my act together and try and forget him, and I cry every day at the pain of his words, or I am brutally given hope, again and again. I want to tell my heart it isn't real, that what I am feeling is some sick thing that is unaccepted and unacceptable, but it won't listen. Sometimes I forget, and I let him hold me, and then it is the breakup all over again. I want to move on, but I have loved him for so long, I can't anymore. I hate love. I should have known this would happen. Actually I did. But I let myself anyways.
I know I predicted this. I know myself well. I know there are entries, whether in a diary or somewhere else stating things like, I can never be in a relationship, and I will always hurt people when I try to love them.
I told H before we started the relationship. I warned him and made him promise that if he stepped into the mess called me, he would do it fully understanding how awful I was. He said it didn't matter. I should have known better.

But oh I feel so fat it's ridiculous. As if it wasn't bad enough when I started it.
I was nearly what? 190-200 pounds? I was a whale. I found pictures my mom had taken of me and I was just a giant mass of fat. I didn't even care about my weight when I started. It was more like, what would happen if I stopped eating? And I tried it. That first day I believe I had three skittles. I wrote it in a little yellow notebook with the word "courage" on the front. I even wrote in the color.
It was new, it was exciting. Then, probably four or five days in I realized I was losing weight. I weighed myself. Suddenly that was also exciting. One or two whole pounds a day and it was effortless.
I want on. It was around Christmas time. Food held no appeal to me whatsoever. I turned down everything. I managed to get through that same thanksgiving eating barely anything. Even at the table, everyone watching me, but not knowing what to look for, I got away with it. At Christmas my mom made chocolate cream pie, banana cream pie, berry pie and pumpkin pie and some kind of fancy cheese cake. She made rolls and treats like peppermint candies and fudge. I didn't touch any of it. I lost an enormous amount of weight over Christmas break, and when I went back to school, everyone looked at me a little differently. Who can possibly lose weight over Christmas? I can. I did.
But seriously. About 155 pounds? Still massive.
Ooh I lost a ton of weight. Big deal. Someone who is 300 pounds can lose a whopping 100 pounds and still look fat. Losing weight doesn't make you skinny. The numbers on the scale do. Hard work does.
Then I lost my control and spiraled down into something awful. I binged thousands of calories of food. I would go into the kitchen in the middle of the night and make everything and eat everything, and my mom would get so angry with me for stealing food...
I tried to learn to throw up, I desperately wanted to know how, but I couldn't figure it out. So I exercised. I paced hours and hours. I would play sick and skip school the next day because I just wasn't able to sleep after eating so much. I would spend the entire night, school night or not, exercising until my body was past exhaustion. At school I would wear a giant grey sweatshirt over everything, no matter how warm it got. I couldn't stand for people to see my body.
I was excited when I got into the 160's, I had been at the 170's for too long. My weight went up and down. I grew really sick. In the head. I was depressed. I don't remember what happened to make me so depressed, but whatever it was, it sent me well into the 160's and it was just too easy because food didn't seem necessary at all. I was so sick of life, food disgusted me. The same thing probably happened to send me off into the 150's. All it ever takes for me is one good week long restriction with little intake to get me going. I can lose so much, and I am not like other people. I don't have to work hard, and I don't start craving food by day two or day three, or even four. I can go on as long as it takes for my mood to lift, with little effort on my part. It must have been when H was gone. Whether we were together or not. He was away for a while several times at a friend's house. If I lived on my own, I feel that I would have no trouble losing weight. For some reason life likes to remove all possible opportunity to succeed.
I just... don't want to do life anymore. No one should ever have to suffer the way I am. But then I think, what makes me different from anyone else? My life can't be worse. I am not special. I am being self absorbed to think that the world tortures me any more than it does everyone else. So maybe I just have an emotional problem...
This has become a long post. Sorry about that.
This is how I feel a bit today. Harsh but well needed and appreciated.

Sorry if it is too small to read. :/
I can't get it any bigger without cutting half of it off...

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Why the fuck is a twix candy bar 500 calories???
I'm horrified at myself.
I was watching Super Size Me, convinced it would gross me out but I was already hungry when I started it. It was not well thought through.
I mean, anyone asks me what I ate for dinner and I say, "A twix and a small bag of organic chips (gluten free)." That makes me look like I ate too little.
The little bag of chips is 290 total. I was like, well if I'm going to binge on chips I won't buy a whole bag because then I would eat it all and be thousands over the limit. But I didn't look at the twix until after I left. I guess I was stuck in binge mode and didn't care. Even as I knew I shouldn't be eating it, I ate one piece slowly, looked at the other thinking I should try to give it away to someone, and then I shoved it in too.
790 calorie binge. Fuck sake.
Sigh. Oh well...
One entire day wasted. Another failure...
I am trying to slow the massive cravings down by drinking diet coke... I keep looking around trying to find something to eat.

800+ from this morning and 790 just now...
1590 calories for the day. That calms me down a little. I have had worse days. A lot worse. I have had 5,000+ binge days before. I have also had zero calorie days when I walked the hallway for hours and hours. I like the old days. Back then I had an mp3 player to listen to. I could go for hours and hours with the comfort of my bedroom a few steps away should I tire. I would walk until I was nearly passed out from exhaustion, and my legs would be numb and wobbly...
If I just had music!
It won't be too long now before I can buy my own mp3 player. Next paycheck I will need it all for bus money and rent, and then the one after that, I can buy an mp3 player. So about a month. Sigh again...
The chips are gone and I still keep reaching into the bag.
You know what, I think I am going to try and do some exercises here in bed. H is in the other room and I am all alone with the door shut, and I can get onto the radio with my computer but I don't have a favorite selection of music saved anywhere yet.
Today was already better than yesterday. That's a start.
I went a long time without food, being hungry. That's a small success, but still a success nonetheless.
I am going to exercise. That is a serious change. I am usually to lazy to put in the smallest effort.
I'm trying to sit here and think of a good exercise to do on a mattress with no floor space in a room where anyone can walk in at any moment and I can't be too noisy...
I might just try jumping jacks and running in place.
Either way I need to work HARDER.
And to think she's gone now...

Another dose of complete honesty here. I need to crack down on that. The more honest I am here, the more I will be ashamed and stop eating so that I don't have to lie about eating.
I had gluten free pancakes this morning. I didn't read the box until afterwards *big mistake* and have consumed over 800 calories. Oops.
Good thing is, that was breakfast. Now I am starting to grow hungry again.
I am scared, and yet excited. The opportunity to succeed is rising and I don't know how I will meet it. Actually, yes I do. I will rise to the challenge and meet it head on. I WILL succeed.
I am watching thinspiration video's on YouTube right now. There are a few I haven't seen before that I am loving a lot right now.
Here, I'll share:

This needs to hit hard girls. If you can't do it, give up and leave. Now.
Getting skinny is hard work. You can't just dream. I have not been hard enough on myself lately and I am sure some of you feel the same. You can't expect to eat and dream and then just get skinny, just like that.
Come on!
Let's work hard!
I am getting confused when I try and comment lately. I think, did I already comment for her? Do I ever comment for this one? I should comment for all of them but what do I say on this one? And then I can't figure out what to say or can't figure out if I missed somebody...
So I am sorry if I haven't commented yet. I am really foggy the last few days. I'm badly dehydrated again and it makes everything so complicated. I need to drink more water...
Anyways, I am determined to make today a good day.
Now that my computer is bought and paid for, I can start saving up for other things. I was thinking about saving up and buying each piece of my dream outfit, bit by bit, as a reward for losing weight. However, I do not know how much money I will be able to save up each month and I don't know if I am moving in somewhere else or what... So, I am keeping it mind for the moment, but also winter clothes are going to be hard to find right now. If I am patient and wait a month or two or three they might start selling cold weather stuffs.
But I am going down in weight. I don't think I will weigh myself unless it is convenient. I am having period cramps so I am just waiting for the rest of it to come around.
I am determined today will be a good day. :)
I want to start collecting pictures. Out of magazines preferably but since I don't have any...
I might just go to Google images and save some on my new laptop. Dream clothes, dream body, dream vocation, dream house, dream everything. Seeing things I like and want helps me motivate myself towards a goal, or just motivate myself in general. I don't get very excited much. Getting my own laptop, the excitement is still hard in coming. I mean, I love it and it makes everything so much funner and easier but I guess H has pushed me into a kind of not feeling zone. This is becoming normal.
I want to be excited about something again... :/
Let's have a good day everyone! :D
So sick of life...

I want to be skinny-
So that when you see me, you feel my emptiness and yearn to fill it up. You yearn to help me, to save me, to carry me away from my troubles and lock me up in the highest tower in your castle. Your heart aches to hold me but there is nothing to hold. I am so tiny and fragile that you are literally afraid to breathe on me. My heart still beats, but only from pure willpower. My body loses the life I lost years ago inside me somewhere. I died so long ago, but now you can see it too. My pain is no longer just an inward feeling. I am already lost but you are desperate to save me, and why not try? You may try and save what of my body is left, but what about my heart? When you pump me full of things to make my body fuller, what will you do to fill the hole in my chest that you created? When my heart tries to stop, and my breathes are so ragged, each could be my last, and I am done trying but you make me cry anyways, who is really dying? You are. I am already gone.
I was awful today too but for good reason. Hiding an eating disorder from a doctor is scary business... I don't really want to explain.
I think I can still achieve my goal by new years but it takes hard work. Today was my two sisters' birthday. They are twins.
It was a disheartening day.
But that's okay. Every day is a new day.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Thinspo quotes for everyone. I feel like I really need these right now. They are in picture form because I nod off when reading same font lists so I figured I was livening it up enough for everyone to get it into their heads for even a moment... I helping! : D

This one is a great way to put it-

I'm not much of an outgoing person but I feel like screaming at all of you, "How stupid are you??? Come under my umbrella, stand on my island. Together, we can be perfect... Ana wants me to tell you what you are missing out on, but why don't you come and see instead?"
Then softer, "You ate something, didn't you?"
Okay here is me being perfectly honest today.
I ate over 2740 calories today by my calculations.
Isn't that just disgusting?!?!?!?!
I had chips with salsa. Then some everything bread. Then I ate the last two slices of garlic bread. Then I ate more chips with salsa- the rest. Then I had some giant airhead 2in 1 bars. I can't even remember what else. Most of the calories is just the chips. How awful. Chips need to stop being addicting. No. I need to get myself under control.
I have a hard time with chips maybe because they seem so small. So if twelve chips is 140 or so calories, that means one is about 12 calories. Twelve tiny calories. But chips add up so fast! It gets to the point where I am like, just one more... one more couldn't hurt... it's just one. But once you get to just ten chips it's 120 calories! Twenty chips is about 240 calories. That's basically a handful!
How annoying...
Nothing else for today. I need to stop and regroup my thoughts. I am doing this so aimlessly it's pathetic. I have no specific goals, no day by day expectations, no rules or guidelines... I am walking through a dangerous swamp with my eyes closed!
So. I need goal at least. And I need them where I can see them... Hm...
Damn and then my new keyboard keeps shrinking the page by accident. How am I even doing that???
Focus Venus...
Does this font look funny?

In order to be down to 120 by new years I have to have lost 1 pound every three or four days. I see this goal has become unreachable and that is my fault. I set the goal when it was possible and have been lazy and disgusting and now I have to change my goal.
I will just leave it as, I want to be a lot smaller by then. No specific goal in mind. Anyways, I still feel that I should try for it anyways and so I will do my best.
However, my next small goal is to get below 150 for good. But no celebration until I can get down to 143. I want to be settled into the low 140's before even a moment of relaxing. Then, my next big goal is to hit 140 for the first time ever. I need to start hitting new low weights.
Tomorrow my goal is to get under 800 calories. I set the bar so high so that I have room for my poor hateful stomach to adjust. It get upset every single day just because of food in general. Probably a combination of dairy and gluten products. I can stop this by not eating but we will see. I need to plan my meals before I eat them and learn to go about meals calmly instead of in a binge eating frenzy. I need to post about something before eating it, maybe this will shame me into realizing what I am doing.
If I can lose ten pounds in 14 days or two weeks, and I can change that ratio to needing to lose one pound about every five days to reach my goal. It's still reachable but not if I let myself fall to any level of weakness. I need to be stronger.
I want to be at 151/152 pounds by Friday. Hopefully less but I need to be down by at least two pounds come Friday. I am actually estimating my weight at 154 but I haven't really weighed today, or much lately at all.
I feel like 140 is where I fall out of completely unacceptable and become a real competitor. Growing up I would always hear and still do, of stars and acceptable people being 140 or under. I have never heard of anyone looking nice at 150. I need to do better. I WILL do better.

I may be posting a lot more just to keep myself in check but I'm not sure. This isn't just some game. It has to be way more than that.
Post 401.
Guess who just got a computer? I did. Now I am armed and ready to fight this war. Now there is no reason for me not to have something to do. This bitch is ready to face down everything.
Today has been a crap day with food. Tomorrow will be better. It WILL be better.
I am so ready for this war now.
I am a warrior.
Watch me fight.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

He just came back tonight and already I have had several panic attacks although not in front of him thank god. It just suddenly feels so painful the things he told people I don't even know, behind my back in one of the most painful times of my life. And then they all encouraged him to break up with me. Why is this still so painful?
I just want to forget about all of it including him. I don't want to be playing this game with him. I don't want to play something that isn't a game to me. Maybe if I can keep telling myself not to play the game, I can get through another day. But all I can think, is, "I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this..." And I know as soon as he gets back on the computer I will go straight back into panic mode. It's already way too late and I have to work in the morning. This is going to be stressful as hell. Fucking asshole. I don't want to do this anymore...

Saturday, August 18, 2012

We can do this together! For one of my best friends!

Friday, August 17, 2012

I figured I better do a water post for my experiments page. Water is very, very, VERY important. I myself need to drink more of it. Keep hydrated and it can actually help with your appetite. Sometimes the mind can misinterpret the body's signals, and instead of telling you that you are dehydrated and need water, it will make you think you are hungry. This means that you can easily just be thirsty, not hungry.

Short post. Case in point.
Here is another post for my experiment. This one if for drinks!

Coca Cola Zero

Skinny drinks...?

Powerade Zero

Cascade ice- I love these! They are actually really, really good.

Lifewater. I have also tried these. They have extra vitamins in them that can help with everything. In case you can't see the pictures very well, the first one has antioxidants- vitamin C and E. The second is called lean machine, it has vitamins B, C, and E.

Crystal light. I have tons of these at home. They are little powder packets that you mix into water and they help me stay hydrated. Very tasty and lots of flavors- apparently. Also, let me note, I believe they say 5 calories per serving, each packet is two servings. I just found this out because I hadn't noticed before. Still good though.

Here are some tasty drinks:

I did leave out tea, which is what the one above is. ^
I am not much of a tea drinker but I need to get into it. It is so good for you...
Lemonades. Do I really need to say anything on this one? Just look at that!

And that's if for this one. Hope you enjoy these! I really hope they work!
Here is another post for my experiment. I have gotten some feedback that it is effective so I am adding on. Check out my page at the top of the screen about the experiment if you haven't already. I will be adding links to new posts like this one for food thinspo at the bottom of the experiment page.
I think this one will be about vegetables.

Tomatoes. I am addicted to them lately.

Lettuce. Base ingredient in salads and tasty in lots of foods.

Peppers. I love these. Some peppers are actually more sweet than spicy so there is a pepper for every kind of taste.

A lot of people don't like mushrooms but I find them to have a mellow taste that can mellow out different kinds of foods. I put them in my veggie sandwiches. Probably not technically a vegetable though.

Pickles. Not the prettiest food but if you find them in the right brand they are zero calories. Also a good strong taste in my opinion, which makes them good for adding to less flavorful foods and diverting binges. I personally love them.


Spinach. Mmm despite the general distaste for this food everywhere, still one of my favorites.

Onion. I love onions!

And that's all for now folks. If I added ALL of my favorite vegetables, this would be a longer post than it already is. Hope you liked it!