Tuesday, July 31, 2012

So I haven't slept in two days because I am trying to start sleeping at night so I'm not exhausted for my 8 am appointment for testing tomorrow. I ended up just going to bed when I get a phone call. I silenced it, thinking I didn't want to answer, but the person called a second and third time. I picked up the third time. Some girl from work, one I had to think to remember called me, sounding super sick, and said I was the only other person available and could I take her shift tonight. I said I hadn't slept in two days and had to get some sleep for my appointment tomorrow. So she tried to tell me it was a 5-9 shift so it wouldn't be right now, and again I told her I couldn't do it. She sounded so disappointed when she hung up and now I feel guilty as hell. But I really wouldn't be able to do it. I would either end up getting about four hours of sleep, or not sleep at all and come in exhausted anyways, so I would make tons of mistakes. I already make enough mistakes when I'm awake because of my ADD or whatever it is. Then by the time I got home it would be maybe... ten, ten thirty maybe, and I would have to make up for two days of sleep before my early morning appointment, or I would have slept for four hours already and been up too long, so I wouldn't be able to sleep. Either way I would have to go in the morning for a four hour testing run if not longer, on not enough sleep.
I am super terrified if I go in tired then they will blame whatever issues I am trying to get checked out- on being tired, and I wouldn't get the help or the meds I have been hoping for for months now.
But they all sound like super lame excuses, and I can only think that I should have said my doctors appointment was today so she won't hate me next time I see her for work.
I have this thing, where no matter what I feel that I have to put everyone else before myself. It's something ingrained in me from years of living a fucked up life and before that a messed up childhood. I have always put up with pain and discomfort for others and I feel it needs to stop, but I'm not sure if I am right or wrong this time. I am just barely starting to tech myself to stop doing that.
For example, I would let H have the bed, my fluffiest blanket, and the fan, at the expanse of me having to sleep on the floor, in the heat, with a too small blanket. This is something I have actually done before and not too long ago either. For some reason if I don't I feel that I am being super selfish and don't deserve a place to live.
On the other hand, this girl is probably miserable and I am making her life super hard. I don't have a doctor's appointment at the time she wants me to work, and I probably could take it without anything bad happening. But as soon as she asked me I panicked and said no. Hm, do I want to wait three or four hours until it's time to get ready, get dressed in clothes I was going to get cleaned this week, walk in the heat to the bus stop, hungry and tired, and go to work? Do I want to work with a blank mind and get scolded and mess up change so I have to give the fast food place the difference like I did last time? Do I want to be dizzy and shake the entire time from loss of sleep? Do I want to drop things everywhere? (On Sunday when I worked last I dropped an entire can of chives upside down on the floor.) Do I want to be extremely anxious the entire day and have a panic attack? (I have multiple panic attacks when I am tired and can't think everything through.) Do I want to stress out when I wake up without enough sleep to do testing tomorrow? I'm even terrified of going to the hospital for testing at this point. And I still have to get myself a bus pass and cash the check I got Sunday and get H a phone card as rent and get the application from R's and fill it out and turn it in...
And the other big question, do I want to have to eat so I know I won't collapse?
Even after telling myself all that, I realize that if I were a normal person it wouldn't be that big of a thing and I could probably agree. After all that, I still feel guilty and selfish for saying no to a person in need.

Even if H hadn't come down with a cold and stayed up all night with me and didn't have a foot injury and could go with me to the theater, I wouldn't have the time to. But I do, and he won't go with me. This is my only chance to get to see Madagascar 3 and I'm sad because I don't have any friends to go with me except for my Ex, and even he won't. I feel like crying but ever since the panic attacks when H told me I wasn't allowed I have only been able to cry once and I blocked it out so I couldn't tell you what happened.
I am depressed now.
One good thing out of all this. Depression helps me to not eat, and so far my stomach has been grumbling for hours. I haven't eaten a thing since my last post. Because I said no I can continue to starve, and hopefully I won't have time to. H is asleep because I was going to sleep, but now I am awake because of the phone call and the idiot who decided now was a good time to mow the goddamned lawn outside the window...
Sigh. Help.

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