Thursday, July 19, 2012

I should feel dirty or used or something like a whore, and I know I will soon probably, but I don't. There is something so satisfying about having control in your hands, and watching the look of helplessness on a man's face as he loses control... Does that make me sick?
I also love his empty promises... because at least when he is making them he feels something...
I haven't slept today. Meh...
It's nearly eight in the morning though. Soon I can call about the food card and get that over with. Everyone else is fast asleep and I couldn't even start...
H was complaining about not being able to sleep so I offered him my only solution. Right after he was out like a light, just like I told him he'd be... LOL.


At least I can still make him laugh. That is probably the only thing that keeps me going in all seriousness. The fact that I stutter when I get angry enough, and mess up what I am saying when I am trying to be serious, and trip and knock into everything... And the way I watch his food like a dog when I want some, the way I go crazy when my head is petted (creepy I know >.<)... He likes those little quirks about me.
I think maybe the reason I like my head being pet and other things like that, is because it makes me feel like a child again. Completely unrelated to h or any relationship friend or otherwise with him, I think what I crave more than anything is to have my childhood back. Or to have another chance at it. My parents stole that from me a long time ago.
I don't remember what it feels like to be cherished, or to be held in someone's lap, or to have an adult's eyes solely on me as the ask questions and I answer them- with a smile.


Eh. This entire post is just wonky...
From dirty stuff to childhood... and that's how you know how tired I am...

1 comment:

  1. Hey Venus.. Really you should get some sleep! And.. wow. haha I cant say I didnt raise my eyebrows a bit when I read the first paragraph.. lol My mind has blotted out my childhood.. I hardly remember but glimpses of it.. Dont mourn for what you have lost but hope for what there is yet to come <3 Love you x

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